I’ve been married for eight years. Before that I was married to someone else for five. So I haven’t been by myself for a very long time. I have two children, a boy and a girl. They are the reason I haven’t done it yet.
I understand now why I am always sad, and why I fall in love with men who can’t love me back. My parents could never love me and there is a hole in my heart where there ought to be confidence. I was raised to be a good christian girl and always serve others. I was never supposed to want anything for myself. I’ve been good, taken care of everyone, and now I have nothing. My husband would rather work than see me. My parents and I don’t speak. I have no friends, I’m a fake and I can’t stand for anyone to get close enough to see it. And now I’m beginning to become my mother. Her narcissism is growing in me because the pain gets worse the older I get. For eight years I’ve tried to be what my husband wanted. He will never love me. The kids are getting big, soon they won’t need me. There is nothing else. I used to paint and garden, but what does an unwanted wife’s garden matter? I am invisible. All I ever wanted was to belong to someone who cared. It will never happen. I almost never leave the house unless I have to. I can’t wait to die, I can stop dragging myself through this empty routine. I will do it when my youngest is 18. I don’t owe them any more than that. I will make it look like an accident. It’s a long time to wait but if I know when I will be free I can wait until then. I can hang on for my kids. I made this decision a year ago. The hardest part is waiting.
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“Hurry up & Wait” is the story of every NZ soldier’s life. You plan meticulously to get everything in place and squared away; contingency plans are drafted and enacted upon the proverbial hitting the fan; and no matter what we’re always waiting for something.
I wish I could marry a woman like you, the ideals you hold are what any man/woman should aspire to in a relationship. The love you have for your husband regardless of his disposition towards you is beautiful, yet it pains me in saying so as he does not reciprocate this. Your kids are blessed to have a mother as selfless as you, I hope they acknowledge you for years to come. Whilst waiting out for your time to come, I hope that the future is kind to you and if anything; you achieve a form of happiness which you can hold onto dearly and forever more.
Please do look after yourself and continue to be the loving wife and caring mother that you are. My thoughts are with you 🙂
Living your life for your children is probably an ancient motivation for living. A lot of people, when their children become older, then use grandchildren as motivation. Then they die at least having given their life in love to someone for some reason.
I will tell you this..I hear what you’re saying. I can’t tell you what your answer is. I can’t tell you where to find love or how to love or why your parents could never love you or why your husband would rather be at work. I can only tell you this one thing. I love the words you’ve written here. I think you’re more real than you give yourself credit. If someone were to ask me, right now, why I’m living? I would tell them, “For you…for unlovely” This breath, these words, this time..right now..is for you! Thank you. …
The key sentence in what you posted is “I haven’t been myself for a very long time.” Give yourself that chance before you die. It takes time, but you might find the joy for life when you can be YOU, not someone for somebody else.