I don’t know what to say, what to do, or who I should tell? Should I make a video? A post online? A note? Or should I simply disappear, leaving no explanation. If they cared enough they’d already know what the cause was. By now, I’m sure from the context of the title and the website I’m at you can conclude I’m talking about the big day.. the day I die. Or maybe I don’t die? Maybe I’m reborn. My god, if that’s the case I just want to live a happier life next time. Oh, and my deadline is in August. I don’t know exactly when in August, but I’ll know when the time comes. I don’t even know how I’ve lasted this long, to be honest. I think I’ll go out in the least painful way, obviously still painful, but not as excruciating as the other methods. I’ll swallow a whole bottle of sleeping pills with a balanced assortment of strong pain killers mixed in. If I don’t get dizzy within about 15 minutes, I’ll slit my wrists to speed up the process. I’ll first tell everybody what I need to say, which isn’t much. Don’t you guys worry, I’m already planning my letter to you all. You’re definitely one of the few groups of people who deserve my last words. I can’t wait, oh god, I really need this. I need to cut my arms from wrist to shoulder. I want my skin to be littered in cuts on my arms and legs. I want them to know what they made of me, I want them to know those are only the wounds on the outside, and if they saw the inside they’d run away in fear. I want my family to know- despite our fights- I love them unconditionally. I have no friends to tell, maybe a few who may be bothered a bit. They shouldn’t be surprised, they knew I had depression. They just thought it was a cry for attention, nothing serious. It is serious. I’ll show them. And if I return after August, well, I either failed or I chickened out. If I do succeed, just know I’m happier where ever I go. I don’t fear what’s to come; I’m ready to die.
8 comments
I suppose you’re new here and still unexperient with this thing of suicide…I’m not saying thing are the same for everybody, but I think you’re gonna take much more time to commit suicide, I was planning to commit suicide more than five months ago but I didn’t have courage, I just made my first “test” yesterday.And there’s a lot of stuff to do, I think it takes a considerable time for the preparations.
No. I’ve tried to kill myself twice before and I’m ready now. I have the pills in a box in my closet and the razors, too. I have nobody to be afraid of leaving, so I wont be worried. I’ve done this before twice. I used just sleeping pills the first time, it wasn’t strong enough but I did pass out a few hours. The second time I cut both my wrists but it wasn’t deep enough and clotted up pretty fast. No. If anything, I’ll fail from well.. failing. I know I’m ready, though. I have extremely strong pain killers left over from my step-dads arm surgery and I know it’ll work with only a few side affects, I know I can handle them.
KIRA, it all depends on the personality of the person. Some people are as quick as lightning. Others take months, years or even decades. Others still never end up doing it before a natural death claims them.
Some plan well, some don’t. Some screw themselves up, some don’t. Some succeed the first try, some take dozens of attempts.
Everyone has their own style. I guess you could say it makes people and life interesting.
OK, I read your other posts, so, I’m doing a complete summary. Here we go!
You are correct in your second post. You feel the pain we call “depression” because of a mindset. It would make sense that thinking negatively would make you feel depressed. Depression is really just an emotion like any other. Emotions are triggered by thoughts.
The problem is that we never stop thinking the thoughts that cause us to feel that way, to the point that it becomes engrained in our subconscious. The human mind is an amazingly impressionable piece of work. We absorb *everything* we experience, even if we aren’t aware of it. Often there are little things that seem harmless but are actually causing us serious damage underneath the surface.
Everything you think about yourself is defined by what you’ve experienced. Every time you tell yourself you are weird or crazy, every time you tell yourself you are ugly or worthless, you are basing it off some kind of experience you have had. None of these things can be objectively true.
The simplest things can screw people up. Your mother could keep telling you to use acne cream, or nitpick your clothing, or nitpick your hair, all with the best of intentions. At some point, you may get the idea that you don’t look alright just the way you are. Some of the things that are being nitpicked, you just can’t fix, or can’t have them just right *all* the time. You feel inadequate. You beat yourself up about it and tell yourself you are ugly.
Once it’s engrained, it takes effort to get it out. It bothers you so much, you think about it all the time. You believe it so strongly. You take it as TRUTH. Everyone who says anything different is a LIAR. No one can change your mind… except you. You have to recognize that your beliefs are wrong. That you aren’t ugly, worthless or weird. You don’t need to say you are beautiful or the most valuable person on the planet, you just need to accept that you aren’t as bad as you say you are.
It’ll take time. You’ll need to reinforce it. Every time you catch yourself thinking something bad about yourself, you need to recognize that it’s a lie and correct yourself. Take the negative thought and let it go. Stop the thought. Tell yourself you look fine. Move on. The thoughts are a bad habit that you don’t want anymore. It won’t happen overnight, and persistence is key.
I know I’m a wordy bastard sometimes, so hopefully you don’t TL;DR this. 😉
Goodluck, MissMisfit.
You are definitely young enough to change your life around, and I think you are a really smart person, too. There is no reason for someone with so much potential to throw it away.
I want to live, but I can’t. I just can’t see myself enjoying life, I can’t be happy. I can’t smile and know in my heart it’s real. I’m sad. I’ve always been sad. Depression isn’t a feeling, and it isn’t a deprivation of serotonin like others may say trying to be scientific. Different emotions are triggered by events, and for some reason I’m different. Normal people find out good news? They’re happy. Bad news? Sad. No matter what happens, I’m always sad. Say I just found out that I’m moving into a mansion? I’m still sad. Say I just got an amazing friend in my life who loves me? No. Still sad. I can’t even fix it anymore. I don’t even know how to “get over it.” Like you tell me. I want to, but it’s not easy. I’ve tried but I always relapse before then. I can’t do it. Depression, in a shortened form, is a prolonged feeling of utter sadness and negativity. I can’t take medicine to fix it, I can’t use “distractions” to fix it, and talking to someone about it is out of the question because I have this oh-so-amazing thing called Anxiety, also. I know I’d have a panic attack before even opening my mouth, making it worse. I don’t have anybody to tell anyways, nobody likes me. So. I’m stuck. I’m stuck and I want to kill myself. And I will.
“Depression isn’t a feeling”
“Depression, in a shortened form, is a prolonged feeling of utter sadness and negativity”
I just want to point out that you contradicted yourself. Your second statement is the right one.
I don’t really want to get into the nitty gritty details about how events, thoughts and feelings work because it can get a little difficult for people to understand, but you’re trying to be a tough one. The serotonin thing is just to push drugs onto people as a quick fix.
“Good news” and “bad news” are not really two separate things. There is only “news” which we’ll refer to as an “event”.
Here’s what happens to people when an event occurs. Let’s say someone dies.
1. You take the news of someone dying and attempt to relate it to your previous experiences. You’ve seen death on TV, maybe someone died before. Whatever it is, you know that death means that you can no longer interact with them, and perhaps believe that they no longer experience anything.
2. Let’s say you were close to this person. You now no longer get to enjoy their company. The *thought* of this may make you *feel* sad.
So what happened was. Event > Thoughts about event > Feeling
What I’m saying is that your depression is your interpretation of an event (or really, your current situation).
Should death always invoke sadness?
If one views death differently, they could very well feel happy for the person who died, perhaps because they were freed from their pain, but this is not usually the case.
Anxiety works in much the same way because it is also a feeling. Btw, I also have anxiety, so I know how tough it is to deal with.
I would like to say that with time and effort you *can* overcome depression and anxiety. It’s an uphill battle, but it is possible, and you have the time.
Let’s start by identifying exactly what you think is wrong with your life. Don’t say “depression”, we’ve got that already. I’d like you to take some time and listen to your thoughts. Then tell me what you are telling yourself. Word-for-word might be best.
I think the effects of anxiety is one of the things that is making you depressed, and your home life, but there may be more to it, and I want to know what you are really thinking.
The weird thing is.. nothing really was wrong until I realized I had depression. All of the sudden, this bell went off in my brain and I knew it wasn’t something temporary. It wasn’t triggered specifically by anything. It just happened. I’ve always been extremely pessimistic to an unhealthy level. Never like this, though. It’s getting worse. I just, I mean.. I have “friends” but, notice my quotations, they aren’t technically friends. More like hallway buddies. We either only talk online or only talk at school. None of my “friends” would care if I died, and I’m not just saying this. I know it. Everytime I try to be kind with them it comes out awkward and they roll their eyes or give me strange looks. I sit alone everyday, and it get’s so bad I’ll be internally screaming at myself to just die already because I can’t handle the stress. The knowledge that I’m alone, always have been. I just now realized it, but I’ve never really had a true friend in my life before. Everybody handles their issues, too..they know how to spot the source of issues and plug it up like a cork on a bottle. I can’t do it, though. I don’t know where to start. I mean, how am I supposed to talk to people who don’t even like me about my feelings? I just think it would be best if I died for everybody. I’m a burden to my family, friends, and I scare those around me with my “emotional issues”. I. Can’t. Do. This.. and I wont.