I have lost a wife, a son, a mother and most recently a soul mate. I’ve had severe depression for 6 years, for the last month I have done nothing but plan my exit.
I’ve had two attempts in the past, in 2009 I couldn’t step off a long drop hanging I had well researched and constructed, I just wasn’t ready to do it then. About 2 weeks ago I took an overdose of paracetamol which was unplanned and failed due to consuming a large amount of alcohol in a short space of time and vomiting undigested pills.
I have committed to ending my life but have not set a date or time, I am trying to start a new life in line with my core beliefs and I am lucky enough that it is possible for me to do.
Throughout my adult life I never really done anything for myself, I have tried to meet my parents expectations, partners expectations, employers expectations. When all I have ever wanted is to be free. I’m an intelligent person but the complications of adult life all seem illogical to me, it’s all too much for me to deal with and I would rather kill myself than work another day in a job I hate, for a house full of things which bring me no real joy.
This is my last shot at a life I want.
I’m going to leave it all behind, I’m selling my house, I’m giving away my ‘things’. I’ll leave this country with a backpack and essential supplies. I’m heading to Zambia and a handful of other countries in Central Africa, border hopping to extend my stay with tourist visas. I won’t settle, I won’t go looking for love, I will roam, I will be free, I will give my time to those who truly need it. I will never look back.
When I’m ready I will take my own life, it was given to me at birth and is mine to do what I want with. The same is true for everyone.
If you feel that you want to opt out now I would never try to convince you otherwise but if my little story gives you any inspiration to give it one last shot, it would be my pleasure to listen to you and talk.
1 comment
Hi. I hope things have gotten better for you. If not, Zambia would be an awesome experience before leaving! I’ve been going over getting rid of my stuff too so my family doesn’t have to deal with it, but haven’t had the energy.
I think a part of why I’m still here is because of my mom, sister, & dogs…mostly my dogs, then mom. I think if there is any reason to stick around, keep at it. Tomorrow is probably not going to be worse than today, and you made it so far, (I should write that down for myself). I figure I’m just going to try and waste whatever time I have left. I think that’s what a lot of people do, so there are a lot of options while waiting to die.
Take care. I do hope things get better for you.