For so many years of my life music has always been my remedy. Listening to piercing lyrics of goth songs, I felt I am not alone in these world with these dark thoughts. About two years ago it just stopped working for me. So now I am on my own, keep plyaing a role of a happy person for outside world and slowly dying inside. Moving along through a day, I try to keep myself busy so I won’t have time to think. But just like a predator it always attacks me in the most unexpected moment- on the bus, on my way to a grocery store, during lunch break. That feeling of internal pain is so overwhelming, I wish I could die in the same second so I won’t have to pretend anymore. Of course my heart doesn’t stop beating and I carry on, faking my usual smile. I was 17 when I realized I want to die for the first time and it was liberating. Now, 12 years after I still feel same kind of relief when I think there is a way to stop never-ending pain and sufferings. Nothing changed.
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2 comments
It’s scary to know that… but that’s the reality of life. I wish suicide were more accepted. That “death” was more understood…. that “life” had meaning. Wouldn’t it be beautiful just to go to a Suicide Spa order up a delux nap and be done with it forever? UGH life sucks BALLS!
I never thought of Spa but I always fantasized about having special pills prescribed for people who want to die. A ” life killer”, instead of “pain killer”. That magical pill was supposed to kill instantly and gently, without bringing vomiting and agony. However sleep has always been my second choice. Because dying in your sleep is sweet and enjoyable. 2 of my friends killed themselves by jumping out of the window and everybody thought they were mentally ill. My mother was one of them. According to her I belong to a psychiatric ward too. The truth is that no one is born suicidal. It’s a process of accumulating pain, disappoitment and ignorance/misunderstanding throughout long period of time. I think Japanese culture is the only one in the world that accepts suicide. Maybe we all should move there. Maybe there we had a chance of stopping to be suicidal.