Sharing is good – feeling good would be better..

This site is so sad yet so important – even having a rant or sharing to a cyber-shoulder can help.. can’t it? I have been increasingly thinking of suicide again.. and when I say thinking of it I mean it really has always been there. As with a lot of people on here who have suffered with mental and emotional baggage a big part of their life… they understand. I fall into a bracket where it has always been there looming.. but I guess it gets to a point in your life (I’m an oldie at 48) where you realise you have put a damn good effort it, really survived. But when that slog gets harder and harder as you get older… telling people (or myself hearing the advice) that things will get better… does it? When you look back at a string of lies and deception to mask your insecurities and inadequacies and have got to a point where family and friend (I only have one.. and losing that soon) and work history, even my long term psychologist can’t work it out. You eventually crumble and end up in hospital and they think you are weak or lying because you have held on for so long.
My best advice to young people suffering from mental “challenges” is to not hide it – don’t be scared to open up or let it out – don’t put on a brave face for family or your own pride – talk, shout even scream if it helps you to heal or at least to be noticed. A life led aimlessly and in fear of EVERYTHING, a life with nor luck in romance or friendships and then avoiding people completely is not a life. Believe me the older you get, holding onto the significant “injuries” you manage to cope with in your life just turn to irrepairable mental scar tissue if you don’t look after yourself first and let it out.
The young people on this sight who have suffered at the hands of bullies at school and at home – get angry and get help – don’t put up with it as it becomes you adopted pattern of behaviour and nearly impossible to break as you get older. Self esteem is the most important thing to live a life with possibilities. Please don’t be afraid to get help as when you get to my age you TRULY lose hope.. destroy any possibilities in life… and sadly to say… the only joy I have experienced in many years is the growing obsession with a painless death… but I think I am going to have to remain in my own self made purgatory because there is no painless way to die. I remember back when I was young and fit when I tried to take my life with an overdose at 31 – I vowed I would never allow a relationship to force me into that situation again.. now I don’t care.. I wish I could have just kept sleeping and never woken up again..