Story of Blackroze

I have been in such a deep depression for the past two years that i have relapsed on cutting and it got to the point where every other day i was thinking of different ways to kill myself. Finally one night it got so bad that i knew i would do something drastic if i didnt get help so i texted my friend that i live with. She was in the kitchen partying with her friends and i tried for an hour and a half to get her to come help because i couldn’t get the courage up to go out there. She wasn’t answering so i texted both of her friends that were here askin to seoond her in my room because i needed help. They told me to grow up, that i was a big girl, that i could handle it on my own. I tried texting her again and all i got was an “i can’t” i couldn’t believe it, the person who told me she’d always be there all of a sudden didn’t care because she was having fun with her friends who basically just told me to fuck off. I started carving words in my arm until there was blood all over my arm. That was it, i couldn’t take it anymore. I took over 60 antidepressants and sleeping pills, chugged down some vodka and sent out a text to a few people saying goodbye and i pass out. Next thing i know my friend is shaking me trying to wake me up, we hear a knock at the front door, she looks outside and its the cops. She tells me i have to go to the door because her nd her friends were drunk and we’re all under 21. So i get up and stumble to the door to answer it. They ask me what i was doing and i told them sleeping but they ask to see my wrists. Once they see them, they tell me one of the people i texted called to report my attempted suicide and they tell me to get a jacket, shoes, and my purse and take me to a hospital to get checked out. I was there on an iv for almost two days in and out of consciousness until they transfered me to the behavioral health hospital where everything was taken from me and i was forced to stay for a week. When i finally got out my friend who is also my ex Told me that she wanted to be with me and she was thinking about our wedding and what our life would be like. She also told me she wouldn’t be drinking or smoking with them again. Everything was fine for a while then they started coming around again and i couldn’t be around them so i would lock myself in my room and blast music so i didn’t hear them. And not that long ago they started drinkin together again and i saw her attitude toward me changing.. this scares me so much because she’s different when she drinks or even just hangs out with them. It’s like when they are around im not even alive. Then Friday we went out of town for spring break and i could tell something was off so i asked and she told me that she was dating the girl that told me to deal with it myself. I tried playing it off like it was funny to keep her happy but it destroyed me. I had to leave the hotel room to go on a walk to stop crying. She told me she broke it off because it was hurting me but the damage is done.. she kisses me, we’ll start getting into it and she’ll just stop. Won’t tell me why but i know it’s because she doesn’t want me anymore… i have put everything i possibly can into trying to make her happy so she didn’t leave me but nothing works. I have heart problems and since she told me Friday, my heart was been beating weird and i still can’t get it to beat right two days later. But now all i can think about is how i don’t want to be here. Nanymore and cutting… i haven’t actually cut but i have been snapping my wrist with my hair tie as an alternative. I even had a dream that told me that the only way i can let her go be happy without hurting like this all the time is by getting rid of myself so i don’t hold her back anymore and i can’t help but to think that it’s right… now i can’t get the thought out of my head. I need help but i don’t want to stress her out anymore or go back to that hospital and im already doing therapy and on meds from a psychiatrist.