:/

i wish i could say what i want to say…  i wish this post was what i originally thought id post here….  i just feel no will to do anything….  i feel depressed but not in the way it usually was….  im so anxious, so stressed….  and i dont have the crutches i normally used….  perhaps it was a mistake to move, even tho this should be better for me, i think…   i feel like i cant do this anymore….  i feel like things will never get better and never be ok….  which is different for me because i used to think things like i should just end it or i should have ended it years ago….  i dunno….

i wish i could fall asleep, i wish my neck didnt hurt anymore

like a fool i always secretly hoped id fall in love and said love would fix me….  but it doesnt work like that.  people dont want guys like me, people dont want to fix shit….  they only seem to want a finished product…

its hard for me to see a positive side….  a way out or however you want to state it.

i wish i could have never existed…  its really the only way.  i could never leave my daughter like that, or my friends and family, or you guys….  but i cant deny that its all i wanted for a long time….  well not all i wanted…  the only thing i wanted for longer than that is love…  if that even exists…

i feel so awkward and different….  i dunno…  i slept 5-6 hrs since i got here 3 days ago so im not all here…  i dunno…

everything i want i simply cannot have, even if its only for a short time before i can get my finances in order…

im so lost…  i dont want to do anything…  im sry