I’m new to this website and I really just want to let my feelings out.
So first off, I’m 17 years old and a girl (I know, I know, you’re probably expecting me to whine but hear me out)
Maybe about 5 months ago I was hospitalized because I tried to kill myself. I had depression for a long time and was even diagnosed, but my parents didn’t believe me until they saw me passed out on my bed with slits on my thighs and an empty bottle of sleeping pills at my nightstand. Even then, my dad thinks depression doesn’t exist (‘Fake it till you make it!’ and ‘Just be happy and do something that makes you happy.’ are my parents favorite phrases)
Things have not gotten better. I mean, I pretend they are, but it’s getting so hard. I can’t seem to tell my therapist that I’m panning to kill myself again (or that my cuts are getting deeper and deeper). I just smile fakely and tell her everything is getting better.
I know I have an easier life then most. Which is part of the reason why I’m so depressed. Why I’m I so sad if so many people are starving, homeless, etc? I wish I could be stronger and I wish my skin could be made of stone. I wish I didn’t have to cry every time my mom tells me I’m a disappointment or she wants to leave because of me. I wish I could just get As instead of thinking of ways to kill myself. It’s impossible for me to concentrate.
I wish my mother could understand that I am freaking terrified of her. I flinch every time someone moves toward me, I’m so afraid to speak, and my standards for friends is so low, I don’t even care if they ignore me. I feel so damaged and I can’t blame anyone but myself.
I can’t even tell her I like girls because to her ‘bisexuality doesn’t exist and you’re a slut if you are’. I’m still trying to figure myself out. And I wish I could just dress the way I want without the fear of my mother screaming at me for not wearing something presentable.
Now that my grades are a pile of crap after I tried to kill myself, I don’t think I can make a life for myself. I just really want to drop dead.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t have any incentive to live anymore except the fact that I’d just disappoint everyone more. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m just running in circles, unable to please anybody no matter what I do.
If anyone has any insight, I’d really appreciate it. I just feel so lost and sad.
3 comments
I know right now things may not seem the best, I went through the same things as you, the only thing you can do right now is to keep as positive as you can about everything, me myself am only 18…If i think about it now sometimes I feel as if I use self harm and suicide is just an easy way out. There is no easy way of how to live life, there are going to ups and downs throughout we just have to know how to deal with it. You need to fight these urges even though I know it is not hard. It is very difficult and there may be times that you will slip up. You need to think about how you ending your life will feel to others even though you don’t know or realise that there are people and someone out there that this will hurt by you hurting yourself. You are a blessing that has been sent and life is tough not going to make it look all easy and simple IT IS TOUGH! But we gotta be strong enough to fight it. Just think by getting your education and acing these exams in a few years time you will be able to control your own life and make the most of it. Just think of the good times of your life and those that are yet to come….STAY POSITIVE! LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT BABE xxxx
Hey there kuohai. Good of you to ask for advice, it’s something that requires a pinch of bravery.
Do you know why are you feeling so down? Is it because of your mother?
We’re here for you, girl. No judgement.
Hi, I’m new hear to, I’m 14, and I’m a gay male, please don’t compare yourself to other people, this is something that pushed me over once as well, even if there problems are “worse” that dose not mean you don’t have them, your problems, the things that you deal with every day, are the things you need to think about. I encourage, for you to tell your councior the truth, but I can see why you don’t, your mother is dead wrong about bi sexuality and your fauther is probably depressed himself but is to much of a ” manly man ” to admit it and get some help for it. Life… Sucks but death is even worth. According to what I think is true, after life there is nothing your just gone, your dead, I’m nit religious, but I agree with the teachings ( and if only I could follow them myself) to be a good person, and I think just by what you have said there that you are a good person, and, I would be upset to hear of another person missing. Or dead.