Hi, I’ve been in pain my whole life. I’ve been treated for depression since I was 11 (I’m in my early 40’s). I’ve tried every antidepressant and combinations (don’t tell me I haven’t, I’ve been a nurse for over 20 years, I understand the pharmaceutical interventions available) as well as behavioral and cognitive therapy, nothing works. In October of 2012 I injured my back severely because my wife asked me to lift her. I was on opanna, dilaudid, Percocet, etc. Nothing helped. I saw multiple surgeons, physical therapy, epidural blocks, and a chiropractor but nothing helped. The opiates affected my sexual performance.
My wife of 15 years stopped loving me. She turned her back on me even though I took care of her for her entire adult life. She would never get a job, never help pay bills, but we had our kids and I loved me family. We separated in march and I just can’t handle the enormous amount of pain I’m in. My family istorn apart and there is no way for me to fix it. She replaced me with another guy less than a month after she made me leave. We have 2 kids together, they are 9 and 13 and havealways given me a reason to get out of bed, but now I can’t see them beyond every other weekend (I moved out of state.
I feel like everything in my life is a lie. I feel like everything I believed was an illusion I created top make me continue living with all of this pain. I have a wonderful girlfriend that lives me, but I’m so dead inside I can’t love her back the way she deserves to be loved. She had fine everything humanly possible to help me, but it’s not enough. I have called my family doctor, my EAP, and the local crisis line and begged for someone to help. My family me said to just take my wellbutrin. This asshole named Paul at CignaEAP told me I could be hospitalized or I could wait 6 weeks for an appointment. The local crisis center is what helped seal things. I’ve talked to them everyday for thepast 3 days trying to get an appointment . They weren’t able to do anything for another 4 weeks. I needed help now, not in a month. I’ve been hospitalized several times for suicide attempts and it always made my life worse. I conveyed to all of these people that I would not be hospitalized, I will die first. Jane, the supposed councillor thought the best response to this would be to call the police. I made no that’s to hurt myself or others do the police couldn’t do anything. Now, I’m done asking for help. I love my children beyond words, but they will be better off without me. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I just want to stop hurting but no one will help me.
4 comments
that truly sucks dude. I empathize.
Thanks for empathizing. I used to think if I did good and helped others that things would change. I’ve spent my entire adult life taking care of the sickest people in our society (I’m a CCRN), but when I tried to find help, I met with nothing but closed doors. I wish I knew how to fix this our to help myself. I don’t want my kids to grow yup with the dogma of suicide hanging over them but I cannot function anymore. I spend hours everyday crying. I have to leave the floor at work because I’m crying. I’m useless, I can’t even do my work because my mind is so consumed with grief and despair.
I understand your pain, I’m going through a similar situation. It sucks and I’ve wanted to die several times
I don’t undersrand how to help you… this is painful to read. ‘Better off without me’… this again huh..
Do you feel like it was worth it? They say better to regret somethong you have done than something you haven’t done.. I’m young compared to you but… maybe keep posting? I’m sure you’ll find somone here awesome to talk to.