Well, the way I see it, at this point in my life the depression has the biggest chance of winning… But I’ll be damned if I’ll sit by and let it take me down without a fight.
I know my chances of surviving until the next year are very slim. I’ve accepted that. Death does not haunt me, but neither does it call my name as intently as it did several days ago.
After reading over everyone’s encouragement and advice, I’ve made up my mind. I can either succumb to the darkness right now or I can try as hard as I can to escape it. Granted, I am almost guaranteed to lose. I’m fighting a losing battle, but I don’t care anymore. Giving up isn’t who I am anymore. I’m a different person now than I was a week ago. And this new person isn’t perfect. This new person is still depressed. This new person still has thoughts of ending it. But this new person sure as hell isn’t going to give in.
So (I know it’s been my favorite thing to say on this site since I joined), I’d just like to give you all a big thank you for helping me through this. You’ve helped me more than you can possibly imagine. It’s for you all that I’m holding on. You’ve got enough problems to worry about, and me killing myself shouldn’t be one of them. Trust me, if I wasn’t doing this for you, I wouldn’t be doing it at all; It’s never been in my nature to do things for myself.
This website has been my one outlet since I’ve gotten here. I’ve finally found people who understand and who I can talk to without being judged. I can finally talk about what I’m going through with someone who won’t try to prescribe me useless pills or try to send me to a mental hospital. I’m going to stay here for quite a while, or at least until either 1. I finally kill myself (most likely), 2. I get rid of this depression (least likely), or 3. Get too depressed to be able to handle this site anymore (improbable).
So, here’s to our lives, because no matter how shitty, imperfect, and cheerless they may seem, you’re alive, and that’s something to be happy about. If not for you, then for me.
Music quote of the day: “Well you can tell everyone I’m a down disgrace, drag my name all over the place, I don’t care anymore. You can tell everyone ’bout the state I’m in, you won’t catch my crying ‘cuz I just can’t win, I don’t care anymore.” – Phil Collins, “I Don’t Care Anymore”
10 comments
” no mo’, no mo’ “
Phil Collins is quite the artist!
Nice!
Thanks. The road may be rough, but it’s my road, and one way or another I’m going to see the end of it.
Of course you’re not perfect. Perfection is not expected, and not necessary. Of course you’re still depressed. Waking up and feeling like shit in a cramped hospital after one of the strangest and most fucked up moments of your life is not going to change that. But hey, you’re trying, and that’s something.
Still, I wouldn’t want to keep you tethered to a painful existence purely for the sake of preventing our disappointment. I wish you would do it in the hopes that you could find some reasons to keep going, for yourself. There must be some chance of happiness for you in the future, right? From what little I know of you it doesn’t seem like you’re in a hopeless position or anything. Just a fucked up past and living situation.
Possibility number 3 made me laugh a little. Funny how, in our lowest moments, we like to go a site and read others people’s stories about their own pain, and talk to them about it. It seems counterproductive for a bunch of suicidal crazies to converge in one spot and talk, but somehow it works. It’s strange, the things you can find solace in.
Yea, honestly, I’ve never gave two shits about being “perfect”. Nobody is, it’s just a stupid idea made up by those who think they are better than the rest of us. And I suppose all that I could have asked for is that I still have the will to try. If not for that, I would be trying to die already. I can’t do this for myself, I actually think I’m physically unable to make myself think I am. I don’t know why, but I don’t really care. I’ve never really cared about my own wellbeing, I’ve always kind of put other’s thoughts before my own. Call it being a good person if you want, I just call it not caring about my own emotions. I just have this sort of… somber determination to try my hardest to make anybody feel any worse. I don’t really know if there’s any hope for me or not… I try and think there is, but there’s always the logical part of me that says that there may not be. And I’ve always learned to rely on my logic.
It’s funny because I was thinking the exact same thing as in your third paragraph. No matter how shitty our lives are we always try to improve another’s. Maybe it’s just our instincts trying to prevent others from suffering as much as we have. Or maybe it’s just sheer craziness. Hell of it is, I doubt I’ll ever find out which.
i went to a bridge today and didnt go through with it. guess im in the same boat as you seasofbue nice post. all the best im taking a page from you
Fantastic! I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. Just keep on fighting until you can’t fight any more.
i hope you can hold on
Part of me wants to hold out forever and beat this depression. But the other (likely more sane) part of me tells me to just go until I can’t take anymore. I hope I can hold on long enough to help people out, at least… that’s all I can really hope for.