I love the way that life hands me extra frustration when I am already feeling more pain than I can withstand. There is nothing to do but distract myself, try to find pleasure in simple things and endure the experience until it finally ends.
I get so tired of looking up, of putting a happy face over my perceptions and soldiering on. But there really is nothing else to do except feel raw pain distinctly. Does that help me?
I keep having intrusive thoughts about choices that I regret having made and about how my life compares to the life that I hoped to live. I can not stand it. The disparity is so painful that I can not consider it without crying.
I can not change the conditions that keep me in the present circumstances, so I try to interpret my experience gently and integrate it mindfully. Hope is not entirely absent but elusive and undefined. A windfall? Peaceful passing while I sleep? What would constitute realistic hopes? (Is that an oxymoron?)
3 comments
I find your writing beautiful.. And I know everything about regret. Trust me on that. Also, the ambivalent taste of touching hope – I don’t know. I don’t know.. Does it make me stupid to hope? Rather be stupid than heartless..? I’m certain I’m more lost than you, but what I can give is describe my appreciation of your kind and gentle being. Thank you for sharing <3
reexamine your previous hopes, and attempt to validate the methods used to construct them.
What is likely is that you’ll find those disparately fantastical hopes, were not formed in a realistic way, with appropriate methods, but were instead formed based on a false foundation of misunderstandings (intentional or otherwise).
You shouldn’t compare your current situation to fantastically unrealistic hopes, but instead, to the most appropriate and realistic assessments that can be made, based on reality.
Try to set your hopes in accordance with realistic goals, and then give your all to work toward manifesting them. If it’s more than you can do for yourself, it’s probably not a reasonable expectation.
@Lila26 You seem to understand well the almost antagonistic role of apparently vain (or, at least, unfounded) hope in my life. But hope with solid foundations is something else, isn’t it? It is expectation. I do court (or at least entertain) hope anyway for its sometimes-beneficial effects. It feels like smothering oneself to deliberately extinguish hope. Thank you so much for appreciating my post!
@clevername No, they were realistic, even modest hopes cultivated with a reasonable expectation that they would be realized. Thank you for responding to my post.