Way Out

You know that feeling in life when you’ve got to do something, but you don’t want to. You can’t get another person to swap places with you. No trades, exchanges, deals.

My deal is that I have to go see a doctor later this month and I already know I’ll have to undergo an operation. Can’t really get anyone to step into my shoes and take a vacation instead. Yeah, because it’s my body and my problem. Then I began to think what if I did not exist, then there would be no operation either. I’m not fond of doctors, operations, hospitals at all, so of course trying to avoid all this becomes my top priority. Operation.. that would totally spoil my vacation plans in September. Not having this operation may well jeopardize all vacation plans anyway, but canceling flights, hotels etc is a real pain! Operation and that doctor visit.. it totally spoils the state of my mind. I was abused as a child and can barely tolerate any appointments in hospital.

If I wasn’t alive, I’d not have to do all this.

First obstacle is seeing that doctor, but how do I even make it there without falling apart? Without thinking of options such as dying or harming myself in some way. I know I know, it’s just a visit to the doctor, but it is very hard for me. I guess I could go intoxicated. Then there is of course that tiny little possibility that the doctor dismisses my complaints and symptoms and says there is NO need to operate now- let’s just wait until the symptoms become worse so I can’t get out of the bed. Then all this would have been in vain and I’ll continue waiting and dreading for the next appointment. There is always that next appointment, next hurdle, obstacle and I am sad and tired. I don’t want to fight anymore.