My co-worker proposed to his stunning, sweet girlfriend tonight. On the beach. With a sparkly diamond ring. Everyone clapping and smiling. I saw her full of love, surprise, crying, and happy. “That’ll never be you” I thought to myself. Just kill me.
I met my friend’s wife. She’s a size zero with a prominent jaw line and a contagious smile. She has a presence that is quiet but powerful. She wore high heels with perfect eyebrows. “That’ll never be you” I thought to myself. Just kill me.
I saw my boss, laughing and schmoozing. She wore a long dangly silver necklace and a black tight jumpsuit that fit in all the right places. She wiped away the tears of joy, sharing laughs and stories. Everyone that meets her immediately likes her. “That’ll never be you” I thought to myself. Just kill me.
I saw a picture of my sister, skinny and sun-tanned. In each hand, she held her daughters’ hands. One wore an oversized beach hat, and the other, walking along clumsily with blond curls. My sister wore oversized black sunglasses, her hair jet black and shiny, a black mini sundress, simple but sexy. She walked with an air of confidance, of ease, of pleasure. “That’ll never be you” I thought to myself. Just kill me.
I am angry, mean and resentful. Underneath all of the hardened layers there is a vulnerable young child within me with a pure heart and good intentions. I know people think I’m a *****. I know people find me uncomfortable and awkward. Often nervous. I know that when you look deeply into my eyes, there’s a certain deadness looking back. I know I’m gaining weight so fast I look pregnant. I know I have no jawline, a big nose, a giant forehead and limp hair. I know my butt and thighs are wrinkled with cellulite. I know I’ll never be happy, never be pretty, never be thing, never be popular, never be married. Just kill me.
I don’t know why my dad abused me and favored my sisters. I don’t know why he hit me so hard on my behind that I flew across th eroom. I don’t know why my mom turned the other way. I don’t know why my aunts poked fun at me when I was young. I don’t know why my dad would invite his friends over, get drunk, and I would become the center of their jokes. I don’t know why when I was young, and tall and thin, why they found me so funny looking. I don’t know why I was born into this family or born at all.
The only unconditional love I have ever received is from my birds. I lack the capacity to love a human being.
5 comments
Dear bluefeathers,
Your parents may have poked fun of you due in part to their own insecurities that were never addressed.
As far as beauty goes. That is the beauty that is painted for us by media. It is fleeting. Like water rushing under a bridge. Of course it is easy to say “yes, I want to be a beautiful person” when In reality that comes with its own set of challenges. There is no wrong in extra weight as long as it is not unhealthy for you. Cellulite is just part of life. Like dents on my car, it tells the story of life lived, places been. I write with experience on this, blind enough in one eye it has grown lazy over the last couple years, teeth knocked out of my head with iron bars, one arm almost torn off that leaves behind a hand that doesn’t quite work, bullet wounds, burns, the list goes on. We just have to learn to accept the bodies are just right for us and not want to change them to meet someone else’s version of beauty
Gosh, only LOVE is real, you’ve certainly been battered about, I appreciate your wisdom there.
Bluefeathers, onlyLOVE is absolutely right. Beauty doesn’t mean what we sometimes think it does, conditioned as we are by society and its media. Think how much some of us love our aging parents and/or grandparents…they’re no longer beautiful, slim or whatever, yet they mean the world to us because of the love they’ve shown us (hey, this is not true for everyone I realise that, but for some it is).
Your piece is beautifully written, the descriptions are very vivid, a lot of people would be able to relate 100% to it, me included. Your dad and other family did not treat you well growing up. It’s not at all surprising you now have a complex about your looks. But you’re so very far from being alone in that.
Birds and animals in general are indeed much more lovable than most humans. They can love unconditionally, they won’t let you down, abuse you or backstab you. I’m glad you are able to at least love them. Though try not to give up on people altogether (need to take my own advice there). It’s so lonely with no one. Wishing you the best bluefeathers.
Oh, seppuku, I could reach out and hug you 🙂
Thank you for your kind words. I’m not sure I deserve them, but I do appreciate them.
Kindly,
Bluefeathers
Birds are cool
They’re everything to me. Everything. The amount of love I have given and received from my feathered friends, is exponential to what I have given and definitely received from family, “friends” and boyfriends.