I’m depressed, anxious and suicidal. Over the last few months, a chain of bad things happened to me. Deaths of grandparents, family tensions, stressful work then redundancy, relationship trust issues, fallings out with friends, the list goes on. Seeking employment, supporting family and trying to forgive a cheating partner became too much for me, and rather than kill myself, I immediately moved out of the family home. Two days later my boyfriend broke up with me in a very cruel way. I’ve been staying in friends’ rooms while they’re on holiday – thank god it’s the summer.
I’m still suicidal. Moving out of home was me disengaging with the set of problems associated with my family. I needed my boyfriend to be supportive but he gave up on me.
I am very focused on suicide methods. I know that I am not allowed to post any on here. I have looked for a website where I can do this but I can’t find any. When I do it (which I’m sure I will do, whether it’s this month or in 10 years) I want it to be perfect. I have the disposition to be like this. I recovered from depression a few years ago and had a good few years – peppered by extreme anxiety and stress that I pretended wasn’t real, so I got through it. If nothing is for forever, I will recover from this, and I will also relapse. It’s such a fight that I’m not sure if the good years that might be ahead are worth all the fighting during the bad years. If it’s always bound to come back to me, even if I recover this time, why bother trying?
There’s something poetic about dying on your 25th birthday. I got through mine, only just. I was alone for the bulk of it, thanks to scuppered plans with my now ex-boyfriend. I’m much more sane when there are other people around. I was making lists of suicide methods. I was afraid and didn’t know which one to pick. What would be the most poetic?
Apart from a poetic death, I kind of want it to seem like it’s not suicide so that my family won’t be so upset. I’m highly allergic to cats. I’m staying with a friend of a friend who has a cat. I’ve closed the door and opened the windows and taken anti histamines. I don’t know if I will get an asthma attack. It’s more uncomfortable than anything – it’s not a quick or painless way to go. If I do get an asthma attack and stop breathing because I’m near a cat, is that suicide? It’s passive. Does it count as a suicide method? Or is it simply accidental?
I’m not my normal charming, motivated, focused self. I’m selfish, negative, reclusive, demotivated, resentful, slow thinking, uncreative. Am I the person who I am right now, or the person I thought I was in the past? Will I ever be the perception I had of myself again? I’m like this because the world has dealt me a bad hand this year. I’ve reacted badly and I’m not coping. Is this who I am then? It’s the rubbish version of me. That’s who I am now. I’m not good at responding to emails, I’m less reliable, I make poor decisions and slow decisions, I say the wrong thing or nothing at all. I’m not perfect wonderful me. I’m weak, attention seeking, insensitive me. Such an unfamiliar version of me. I hate her and want to kill her off so I’d be left with the perfect me who must be hiding under there somewhere. But in reality if I killed her then I’d kill all of me, and there would be no perfect me under there. How can I cut her apart and separate her out? I want to do it violently. How about if I did it with love, and loved her – would that make her soften and melt and disappear? Because when I indulge her, she gets stronger. But when I ignore her, she gets more insistent. Like a demanding child.
Is all this crazy or does it make sense?
I want to write something that would help explain how all this happened and it would be beautifully readable, but I don’t have the inspiration. I think I’ll go back to sleep instead.
7 comments
I don’t want to be one of those people who generically says ‘I’m so sorry for what has happened to you’ and ‘don’t give up’,
So I won’t say that. I will say that just from reading this I can get a glimpse at who you are, and I like this person. No matter how small the fragment is of who you are supposed to be, if you hold on there’s always a chance that you can become whole again. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t feel happiness and has undergone several attempts.
Back to you though, your last point does make sense 🙂 you’ve probably already done this, but you could try accepting who you are now, and allowing her to be – explore why she does what she does. I really hope you do make it through without the fear of relapsing, someday.
Isa
Thank you for your kind words.
I’m so disappointed in myself to be like this though. If I accept who I am now – I’m afraid that will make it worse. That’s why I’ve been calling this bad part of me ‘she’ – in order to create distance.
It’s a bit like Tom Waits’ Poor Edward.
“Poor Edward”
Did you hear the news about Edward?
On the back of his head he had another face
Was it a woman’s face or a young girl?
They said to remove it would kill him
So poor Edward was doomed
The face could laugh and cry
It was his devil twin
And at night she spoke to him
Things heard only in hell
But they were impossible to separate
Chained together for life
Finally the bell tolled his doom
He took a suite of rooms
And hung himself and her from the balcony irons
Some still believe he was freed from her
But I knew her too well
I say she drove him to suicide
And took poor Edward to hell
It’s okay to feel the way you do – anybody would in your situation! The best thing you can do is really give yourself a break for it.
I’ve never heard of that poem but it’s very interesting, so thank you I will remember it 🙂 literature is am such a great way to express and connect with others, so I’m happy you have, and I understand why you feel that way.
Still, I stand by my suggestion. The healing process will take a lot longer if you don’t seek to understand and sympathise with this new manifestation of grief (if you will allow me to call her that), we all need love, and I would venture to theorise she does too in order for her change for the better, and for you to relinquish the pain you’ve been caused.
Sorry to sound so pushy with that though, you seem like a smart person I’m sure you will work things out! It’s a little how I dealt with a past ‘breakup’ – I had add idealised my partner so much, and could not let go. It was very painful for me to do, and was a lengthy process, but eventually I accepted that the person I loved so dearly was not the same as the person I was with. In doing so we could be friends again and I understood her better. Maybe that’s only slightly the same 😛
Isa
Maybe you’re right about loving this horrible part of me. Maybe that will make her stop being so horrible.
At the moment I’m in a dazed fog – I’ve got tonsillitis now on top of everything else. It makes it a little more difficult to understand what’s going on in my head.
I’ve just been broken up with – about three weeks ago now. I think. I realised at the time that he wasn’t the person I loved any more. After he told me he was going to leave me, he had sex with me while I cried because I loved him and was scared of him leaving, and told me afterwards that he didn’t feel anything. This was two days after I left my family home in distress, and he knew I was suicidal. Nobody who loves someone could do what he did to me. The person I loved is not the person he is now – a truly uncompassionate person who would leave me at my time of greatest need, and also rub salt into the wound because he wanted to get his rocks off. I don’t think I can be friends with him, even if one day I manage to accept what happened.
I’m glad you’re friends with your ex. I wish it could be like that with everyone.
You should probably just do what makes you feel most comfortable in light of events.
And it must do :\ I’m sorry all of this has happened to you – that’s so terrible!! Your ex sounds to me like a narcissist to me if I’m perfectly honest. People like that change after the ‘honeymoon period’ of a relationship, once the thrill is over, and things worsen considerably. I might me jumping to conclusions, could you fill me in if it would help you? That could determine the best course of action in terms of whether ever pursuing proper closure or any contact is the right thing.
Thank you though. It’s always a lot of work, but if you really cared for someone then its worth it to me.
Yes, staying on good terms with people is usually how I do things. In this case, though, I’m not coping with anything – even voicemails from my mum send me into anxiety mode.
I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist; basically I think he expected sex to stay amazing indefinitely. It was really incredible at first, then I got a stressful job and didn’t want to have sex all the time. Then my grandparents died and I wanted even less. But it wasn’t like it was nothing – we still had sex every couple of weeks. Towards the end I think we didn’t have sex for maybe a month or six weeks. That was because my trust in him was broken. He’d kissed someone else shortly after my grandparents died. In light of the circumstances I didn’t care because it relatively wasn’t a big deal. I told him to tell her about me if he did it again. He saw the girl again and didn’t tell her about me because it would ‘ruin the moment’. That direct breach of trust made me angry but I wanted to stay with him and work things out. He didn’t really do anything to build my trust in him. He continued to be in contact with her.
He broke up with me saying that he was unhappy with me. He said that my depression was an explanation for me not forgiving him so easily, and for being irrational and accusing him of wanting to see her. He said that depression was an explanation but not a justification, and he didn’t want to be with me any more. He mentioned that he felt inadequate – once I had told him that he was adding stresses and unhappiness to my plate instead of helping me manage it, and he asked me why I was with him. I couldn’t answer him. The reason was that I loved him. But at the time I felt numb.
Towards the end he was not a good boyfriend. He knew how unhappy I was, but actually stopped calling me instead of finding out how I was. He was inadequate. But that final day took the biscuit. I can’t go back after that. I might have been able to forgive him and work things out between us. I don’t think he wanted to find out how he could support me and help me through my depression. He wanted to have amazing sex without any hardship. Unfortunately I do get depressed. So I guess anyone that I have a relationship with will need to have some tolerance to that… and ought not to go off and kiss other people outside what we discuss.
I haven’t been in contact with him at all. He sent me an email outlining his reasons for leaving me, because as we were breaking up I was having trouble with remembering things – I’m suffering memory losses at the moment. He also sent me a happy birthday text, saying he hoped I would have a good day, whoever I was with. I was alone for the bulk of my birthday – we’d planned to spend the day together. That hurt.
It’s completely understandable that your really taken down concerning all that’s happened. You don’t need me to say it, but you’ll come back strong as ever soon.
And I see.. I should not have jumped to conclusions then. That’s so much to deal with it’s a surprise your in as good shape as you are!! :O I feel the need to ask, are you really okay now? He just sounds like a typical jerk and you should not have had to deal with such inconsiderate immature behaviour!
It seems like you’ve tried hard to be good to him in the circumstances but he couldn’t see that… His loss, believe me when I say any person would be lucky to be with someone as considerate as you.
I can’t say it enough, I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with all that in such a stressful time. Some people just aren’t that compassionate, unfortunately a lot of men follow that unemotional stoic route. As you have been doing it’s best to keep it nc so you can properly heal. .
I hope in the least talking about things has helped you a little. Sorry for getting a bit worked up 🙂
Isa