I’ve made a few friends here on this site in the last 24 hours I would say. I made a post yesterday basically saying I was abandoning ship in three weeks. I have decided to revise that time frame to three days. I plan on writing my note a day or so beforehand, the necessary materials are in my possession and the stage is set.
However, today I am going to take the day to play some music. I’ve played in bands since high school (I’m 27 now) and always had music has a hobby or passionate activity I guess you could say. Going to be strumming the ol’ acoustic sporadically today, getting my last kicks in so to speak. Going to make an effort to finish a song I’ve been working on for a bit now. Sadly, won’t have the time to actually record it, but at least in my own mind it will be complete. I will again be active on the site here throughout the day.
I took yesterday and today off from work as I have been in no condition to work. Tomorrow (Friday) however, I will go into work which will in turn be my unofficial last day. Just got to tie up a few loose ends in the office, subtlety say goodbye to a handful of folks and then I will be home for the weekend and for the main event on either Saturday or Sunday. I plan on posting here each day up until said main event. But what a great community on this site.
21 comments
I am hopeless at commenting. Life also seems pointless to me. And meaningless. Hope you can enjoy your last 3 days, and then find peace. I read your last post too. I am sorry that it came to this but it should be a persons choice if they want to die. Of course, people should take steps to improve their life if its possible. Thats if they even give a fuck to do so, nothing wrong with not doing so. Lets face it though, everyone dies anyway. Everything is a means to an end, maybe? I dont know
Absolutely. For nearly 9 years I have tried to make things better for myself. At times I would succeed….but only temporarily. The consistency needed just was not there. Unfortunately now I find myself in a hole that is now far too deep to crawl out of. A battle that I cannot mathematically win at this point. I have looked at my situation from every angle imaginable looking for another alternative. Looking for a reason to not do this. Unfortunately all roads lead to the decision I have come to terms with currently. I know there are thousands if not millions in the same boat. And I really hope everyone finds that peace they seek and deserve.
sorry to hear and yes there are millions in the same situation, why dont they come here to SP? Then i wont have time to read all the posts,hehehe. I also hope everyone can find peace
wish i could offer some advice or help but i cant… I am sorry. I wish i could die painlessly with guaranteed death, but i cant so…
Is the pain or possibility of a failed attempt what is stopping you?
both
I’d be lying to you if I said those fears wern’t lingering in the back of my mind, because they certainly are. That’s just the reality of the process I’m afraid.
I agree with you. SP is a great community however annoying and draining it can be at times. It’s basically peer support. People in despair reaching out to try and help other similarly tortured souls. It shouldn’t work but it does, and that’s a triumph of the human spirit as I see it.
So you like the community and have made friends but now want to die even sooner? That’s not supposed to happen, lol!
I’m pleased you’re inspired to make music though.
I think I might have missed your ‘three weeks’ post so will have to go and read it if I can. Glad you’re gonna talk to us again.
Well the thing is. I didn’t come here to have people change my mind. I came to talk to people who are in similar mind sets. Share stories. Learn. Offer my $0.02. The results have all been nothing but positive thus far.
I’m a little sorry you’ll be going so soon but happy for you too.
(Site didn’t let me finish writing)
I hope the journey to the other side for you is painless. I know it’s a silly question but have you thought about what you’re going to eat? I think it’s important to enjoy all the little things you’ve loved in life in those last few days, especially all your favorite foods. Have a good last few days and I’ll be morbidly awaiting your final posts.
No haven’t thought about food. It would probably be Tacos or Fajitas (Yeah I love Mexican food), but i’ll be too busy with tying all loose ends so I won’t be cooking. I do have the music picked out. I believe you made a post yesterday asking about music that I responded to. Well it will be that album. I may play some more guitar on that day and probably reset all my electronic devices to factory defaults so they can be given away to people. Up until then I will be doing trial runs with my method of choice to make sure I got it right, and….that’s probably about it. And as I said, I will be posting here up until then.
I wish I can do that too , choose a date to die , before that date , I will go and meet evryone that I know , apologize to them and make them happy . I will write letter for those who I cant reach and settle evrytg before I go . I will do everytg that i want to do ..So that I wont have regret , so that when the time come I can rest in peace .
This kind of hits on what I was just sharing with the poster person next door, that in coming to this website to kill yourself isn’t there something ironic that one should find a bunch of like-minded souls, something that many or most of us are missing in life, and that when you finally at the end of your tether you come to this website to document your last moments on earth, but now you find this kinship, this camaraderie and funny if it should give you pause in your quest to end it all.
Yes, I saw quite a few people posted their ideas there but I haven’t gotten around to replying to any of them yet. I’ll give that album a listen now while I’m at work. I’m glad to see you have it well planned. I wish you luck, friend.
Well I was looking forward to seeing you around for the next few weeks, but I can understand you wanting to leave as soon as possible. Good luck and, I guess, enjoy your last few days.
PS: Don’t give to many hints as to what you are planning. Much greater chance of someone trying to check in on you.
Thank you for the kind words. What do you mean someone checking in on me? Is that possible? Are there people out there that track IP addresses of users of this site and send cops to their place of residence? If so, that’s pretty sad. In their own minds they are doing the right thing, but realistically they are getting involved in situations that they have no business being a part of.
If they are alarmed enough, they could, but I was meaning that they might check up on you during the attempt.
I am saddened to hear that you are going so soon. My oldest sister turned 27 today. I get to see her tonight. Sometimes I don’t hear from her for weeks at a time. She is schizoaffective so her battle is rough. Both her and I have been hospitalized for failed suicide attempts. All I can say is that I’m happy she failed because I can’t imagine life without her. She is the one person I look up to because I know she understands my suffering. The rest of my family calls her crazy and says other mean things behind her back, and that only makes me wonder what they say about me…. I love my older sister so much. I’m 21, she is 27. You are 27. I know I can’t stop you if it’s what you truly desire, and I’ll understand and respect your decision. But, I feel the need to try to at least make you reconsider because all I can think about is what if you were my sister? You’d just leave me and go. Leave me alone. I’d have no one left to fight with me. I know fighting sucks. I hate it. Life sometimes, almost all the time, is pure hell. I want to give up so bad, but after failing 5 times, I think it’s a sign I won’t even be good enough to succeed at ending my pain and suffering.
I do wish you the best with whatever your decision may be, and I will miss you. I’m sending you hugs for either comfort or a goodbye, I guess. I dunno, I guess I just think if my sister can hold on with voices in her head and extreme paranoia choking her every day, I know you can hold on for your three weeks. I just want to know you more. You changed your time frame so soon and I wasn’t ready for that. But, as I’ve said, you will do what you feel you must, and I respect you for your courage and was honored to grace your life if only for a day or so. Sam and Brit will be honoring you and loving you from afar.
Love always-
Sam
Sam…very insightful post there. After reading that, I can say that I am glad you and your sister decided to stay because it seems like you two need each other very much. You two also love each other very much.
Now you said you failed 5 times. This is going to be a very straight forward question…and please don’t answer if you don’t feel comfortable doing so….but why 5 times? What went wrong 5 times? Perhaps your heart wasn’t truly in it?
My situation is a lot different than yours though. I do have people that care about me. I haven’t been to work in 2 days because I haven’t been mentally able to go. Today I had 2 different co-workers text me asking if everything was ok. This makes it even harder for me. I try to block it out of my mind. I try not to think about people that do care about me. Fact of the matter is, should I stay, I will be living with the same problems and the trend will just continue. Sadly people that do care about me, wouldn’t fully understand because they are not me. See my previous post from yesterday for more of a back story.
Believe me, I know the feelings all too well. No one understands me still. Sometimes my sister is even a bit lacking for me. But I care and I like hearing from you. Your post today was beautifully written, very nicely told. If you go, I will greatly miss reading your posts and hearing from you.
Actually, after talking about it with a friend last night, I discovered it was 6 times. My heart was more than in it, just each attempt didn’t work. Something always went wrong. Finally I gave up on trying because I obviously wasn’t even good enough to freakin end my suffering either. I’ve been battling this for 6 years…. For the longest time, I was convinced I’d be stuck in the cycle of low sorrow. And I am. But, every once in awhile, there will be a day that is worth sticking around and keeping the hope alive for. Minimal, but they happen.
I’m not going to tell you that things will get better, because sometimes they just don’t. But I will tell you that I’ve found this heartache and pain and suffering is worth that one day 3 months from now where you’ll feel alive again. You’ll never know if you don’t hold out for it. There’s more life left to go. You just gotta take one more step. If I can do it, you can for sure.
I’m just waiting on the world to kill me now, because I clearly suck at it. However, I’m okay with suffering until then because I have this site and the people on it like you to relate to and struggle with. I’m so thankful that I’m not in this alone. I took a month of “sick leave” from work because I was so depressed and unable to cope. Wednesday was my first day back and I’m having a difficult time heading in tonight for my shift. I guess taking time for yourself is okay and important is what I’m getting at there.
I just really don’t want you to go. I’m being selfish, but I enjoy your company and the way you piece together your words. I want to read them forever. New ones each day. I understand if it’s just too much…. I’m just really going to be even more sad if you go. I mean, I’m kinda stuck here waiting to die, so I’m not going to leave here until the world says I’m ready, which is why I like reading stuff here from everyone. I just hope maybe you can hold out a bit longer, just for me? I know that’s a terribly selfish and greedy request, but I’d like to know more of you, at least until your 3 week mark. I dunno, I truly wish for you all the best in whatever you choose.
Love always-
Sam <3