Now, I’ve said a lot about how much I hate myself and want to die, but I haven’t really gone into who exactly I am as a person that makes me hate myself. Here I’ll go into detail about the things that make me despise who I am as a person.
I didn’t have a shred of hatred for myself until I was about 10. This was where certain things in my life began to shape me into the self-loathing person I am today.
It started when a close friend my Grandmother had at the time crawled into my bed as I was sleeping one night, put his hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t scream when I woke up, and began to rape me. This would happen repeatedly until I was 12, when my Grandmother, who I’ve lived with since I was born, moved to the suburbs to be closer to my Father. I’d be so sore some days that I could barely walk, and during other days there would even be blood. Others took notice and asked what could be wrong, but I was scared. I didn’t want them to know what was happening to me on an almost daily basis. When I was 11 I tried to kill myself for the first time. I was deeply ashamed, and wanted the pain to end. So I slit my wrists as deep as I could and climbed into a tub that I had filled with warm water and salt. It almost worked, too. I lost tons of blood, and by the time I was taken to the hospital I had already lost consciousness and was on the brink of death.
There was one time where my Grandmother had to go somewhere for a week and needed someone to watch over me. He offered to do so, and my Grandmother agreed. That week would be the worst one of my life.
During that week he would order me around constantly, asking me to do things that were seemingly impossible for someone my age. Whenever I would mess up, or when he felt like it, he would slap me around, kicking me when I would fall to the ground. During the nights he would do horrible things to me, even worse than the rape. One day he thew me into the bathroom shower before peeing on me, calling me a whore, a *****, and a slut as he did it. When I tried to take a shower, he came in with a belt and began to hit me with it, telling me that he didn’t tell me to take one. He would then pin me to the shower floor where the water would pool up and cover my nose when he would begin to rape me. I still remember the feeling of his penis inside of me. It’s such a dirty feeling. I never feel clean anymore. I feel like less of a human, like a toy that has been used and thrown to the side. I never mentioned anything about my rape until I was 16, when I began to break down and cry hysterically when my Grandmother told me she was on the phone with him.
I was never able to get over the rape. I would have night terrors to the point where I would be afraid of even being sleepy. I would sometimes go nights without sleeping because I was afraid of what might happen to me if I were to do so. The sight of men would send me into a panic, especially Black men, since my rapist was a Black person. I’m better than I was before, but I still get nervous here and there. I’ve tried to continue on with my life, but it’s been so hard. Dating has been a mess, I can’t do anything intimate without having horrible flashbacks of what happened to me. Going to school scares me, too. I’m afraid someone will take advantage of me, and every Black kid I would see would send me into a panic. I wasn’t even able to graduate last year because of all the days I missed.
I’m also a Transgender woman. I began transitioning when I was 15 and have been growing ever since. Sometimes I feel horrible about myself. I mean, why couldn’t I have just felt comfortable in my body? Why did I have to put people through the stress of using female pronouns when referring to me, or calling me Jennifer instead of my birth name? It makes me feel bad. I also feel horrible when around biological women, or other Tran women who have a better grip on their lives than I do.
Between the rape and being Trans, I really have begun to hate myself. I wish I were dead, but then at the same time I want to live and see where life takes me in say a decade.
Welp, this is everything I have to type for now. If you have any questions, ask and I’ll be happy to answer them for you. Hopefully this makes sense. I think I was a bit vague in some areas of the story. Just let me know if it was or not.
P.S: Sorry for being such an asshole to some of you. I sometimes let my emotions get the better of me. It’s no excuse, but I’m going to make sure I change for the better. 🙂 Oh, and MuteKaterwaul, you’re a pretty awesome person. We should totally have a chat together sometime. <3
27 comments
(Ahem) So you tell me to tell you guys about what it is that makes me hate myself. So I spend an hour reliving my worst memories so I can do so, and then I get absolutely no feedback. Lovely. Just wonderful!
I know how it feels to not have anyone comment right away. When I first logged on to SP not a lot of people would comment on my posts either. Not trying to make excuses for anyone, but sometimes we don’t have the stamina to read long posts like this. But, the ones who do usually come around at this time of day/night. That’s when I do most of my posting/commenting.
Anyway, holy shit. That’s a lot to have to life with. I honestly have no experience in this sort of thing, but I am here to talk if you want.
And on to your temper. I use to, and still do, have a short temper. It’s kind off passed dealing with people on here, and in not dealing with a whole lot of people in real life, off the screen that is. I understand your anger, just try not to let it get the best of you, yeah I know, but just try. Again, i’m here if you feel like talking.
I mean, I try not to get upset, but people can be morons. Not to say that any of the people on SP that I’ve been mean to have been morons. Actually, some of them have been. But not any of the people that I’ve commented on lately.
Honestly, it feels super weird to spill my guts like that and have no feedback at first. I thought for awhile that no one was going to say anything. But I’d love to chat, we could chat about anything. I’m not the hothead I seem to be on the forums. 🙂
That’s fine. I’ve noticed you trying to keep calm, so at least you’re trying. And the majority of those on SP mean well. Everyone has a reason for the way they act, that’s what keeps me from boiling over anyway. We can talk about something other than what was in your above post. You explained it pretty clearly, and I wouldn’t want you to keep reliving that, I know it hurts whenever I post about my past on here, but the reception is generally positive.
Anyway, so what makes you want to keep going?
My Grandmother. I tried to kill myself twice after the my first attempt. I even had a partner the second time, but I couldn’t do it. I’d think of her, and how she would react to my death. She loves me more than anything, and has devoted her life to making sure that I have a good life. For me to end it wouldn’t be fair to her. I even stopped cutting because she saw all my scars — her reaction was what stopped me from doing it. I mean, I’m suffering, but so is she when she sees me hurting myself. So I don’t do it anymore.
Have you ever confided in her about wanting to end it all?
Yeah, I told her once. I was really broken up, I was shaking, my thoughts were racing, I had been crying, fighting a panic attack. But I let her know how I felt. I mean, all I wanted to do was die; to get away from all the pain. What she said to me made me stop and think though. She had begun to tell me what she had been through, and all of it made what I’d been through seem like a cake walk in comparison. She told me that she never even considered suicide through any of it. That she had God, and that he was there for her through everything.
Well, that seemingly had an impact on you. And it’s kind of shocking after what you explained, was a cakewalk by what your grandmother had. But, you do have something a lot of people don’t. Someone that understands, that you can have in depth conversations with, I never had that.
Just because she didn’t think of it doesn’t make your reaction any less legitimate. I hate when people say that. Having read and very deeply identified with your story, I feel angry that she said that to you. Though I do understand where she comes from.
Those are some truly horrendous things to go through. You sound like a strong person for still being here and having begun transitioning. You have a right just as much as everyone else to be in the world and be yourself. No one need be defined by the bad things that have happened to them or the mistakes they’ve made, and I’m happy to hear that at the same time as feeling like crap you also want to see what the future holds.
All the best to you. If you ever want, I’m also here to talk: burnthepast129@gmail.com.
Yeah. I mean, things aren’t horrible for me nowadays. I have a decent support group. I wish someone would kill me sometimes, though. That way, I’ll be dead, and it doesn’t have to be a suicide. I don’t enjoy things anymore. I simply exist, being afraid of everything, not wanting to do anything but sit around. I can’t even watch Tv or a movie without having an intense flashback of what had happened and having a panic attack. I would never call my Grandmother a liar, but she handles herself so well for someone who has been through far worse than me.
I can understand that. I’m the same way nowadays. A shell of my former self. Question though, I understand your wanting to leave, but if you have a good support group, why is it so great?
What do you mean?
I mean, if you have support, why do you want to die so much?
It has nothing to do with them. Part of me even wants to live. But the majority of me wants to take the bus away from life. There would be a few people who would be devastated, but that’s why it would be better if I were to be killed someway. At least then they have someone other than me to blame for it. I’m up right now in the middle of the night because I’m afraid of what I might dream about. If I wake up screaming, I’ll wake up everyone, and it wouldn’t be fair to them. I have severe PTSD from what happened to me. I can’t even go outside without being triggered by something. I want it to end.
I just read your post….my dear,its absolutely incredible that you are as well as you are(and I do realize that you’re not well)…but the level of trauma that you’ve been through is extraordinary,and I can clearly understand why you are in an ongoing emotional state of pain and anger and frustration. You have been mistreated not only by the sick fucker who raped you habitually, but also by the adults(your grandma)who failed to protect you from him,and in fact served you up to him blindly. I see that you seem to have nothing but love for your grandmother,and i find this remarkable.Youre strong and kindhearted to the degree that you changed your cutting/ coping behavior in order to spare her any worry or pain- This fact alone illustrates the kind of person you are..a good person. You are also transitioning to a female,and this is incredibly brave.You are overlooking these exceptional qualities,and defaulting back to self loathing. You -like HJ,and a whole slew of us,in fact-are sabotaging yourself at every turn. You beat yourself up for the very things you should embrace and be proud of yourself for. You DO have a future that promises to be ANYTHING but average and boring……Your story is fascinating,and I hope you keep writing it here-its tragic and beautiful and its inspiring despite the horrors..the current end of the story-which is you end up here candidly sharing the pain in a brutally honest way-will not only help victims of child molestation to identify with you and see that its ok to openly share on it,and thAt despite it all,they can survive this and go on working toward a positive future…. BUT also,you are a testament to the absolute importance of being who you REALLY are inside , AND bringing it to the outside. IDK if youve noticed,but there are MANY transgender kids who have posted on SP in utter despair over the dilemma of when and how to begin transition,and the horrors of family rejection because of it. Your testimony is IMPORTANT here, for all of those reasons..you are surviving your trauma,as we speak,and its quite extraordinary…tell the kids how you did it(transitioned) so far. Your life is shot full of relevance and meaning…I did think you were a bit of an asshole reading a post or two of yours recently,and never suspected who you really are-Im so glad youre here:)
When I came out, I quickly realized who my friends really were. My mother left, my father treats me like an alien from another world. But I’ve made new friends who were very supportive, my Grandmother included. Overall, this was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life. Despite everything that has happened to me, I can truly say that coming out made my life a whole lot better. I mean, I still get suicidal thoughts here and there, and I have a hard time not being triggered by things around me, but that has nothing to do with my being Transgender. 🙂
Thats awesome..Thats so fucking cool. You did something that people struggle with doing for years and years before getting the courage to act..
You would benefit from a ptsd program,and counseling…I hope you seek these,so you can recover…no,its never going completely away-BUT it can get better anyway
I read that MDMA was a good way to treat PTSD. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be dependent on that stuff. But it’s something I totally want to try once or twice to see what it would be like. I’m someone who loves to experience things like that. xD
Mmhm! I didn’t want to be stuck in my body forever. I wanted to be in the body I was meant to be in, and I wanted to do it as soon as possible. Honestly, I feel like I began too late. I wish someone had noticed before I hit puberty, because now I have to go through puberty all over again. It’s not too bad, but it would have been a lot better if I had done it before I became a teenager.
I see what you mean,about wishing youd started before you went into puberty…I think though,that this is the scenario that most transgender kids have… Parents may be improving on the whole in general concerning transitioning,,,but theres sttill an overwhelming number of horrible humans who unfortunately decided to become parents,despite lacking the ability to give their kids unconditional love..its such a shame . I wish it would just fucking be OK to be who you are..I was messaging a kid th other day and actually suggested that leaving home was -in my opinion- a better idea than remaining in that house being stifled and under constant threat of exposure and rejection by parents..they were absolutely horrible people. Living under those conditions can break you down so completely that many kids lose what little self esteem and courage they had,and end up with a shame based list of neurosis and compulsions and for some, homicide or suicide…hell,you know all this. If you read back through the posts,you will see quite a few…iv got to rest-I hope you get some sleep,too:) goodnight:)
I was thinking recently a out the mates I have, and I’ve noticed this massive change in demographics in the pasts few years. I’m Cis-gendered, straight and have always had mates who were too. However now the biggest portion of my mates, the good ones anyways, are LGBTI. I think it’s because we all share that similar level of suffering. Ostracised by the status quo, no safe place in society to belong too.
I think the LBGTI community is the warmest group of people, I wish I was more integrated into the community.
Its true that it has been used in trials for ptsd…..I just recently saw something about that….unfortunately the X bought on th street has the potential to kill you,because its often cut with shit ingredients …if only we could get pharmaceutical grade X…it seems so unjust to have to roll on potentially heart stopping X,but the government bastards give you no choice :):)…I did lots of x in th 90s….was pretty awesome,to be honest,but I think whats on th street now is a less potent and dirtier cut of X…
Yep. I want the good stuff. I don’t want crap cut with meth or crack, or something else that will fuck me up beyond repair.
U ever look at YouTube video of people rolling? Fascinating,I assure you. I got hung up on bath salt tweakers th other day-now THAT is some fucked up shit…crazy and terrifying
Yep. Sounds horrible. Goodnight! I’m going to try to get some sleep, too. 🙂