I don´t know how I ended up like this.
I feel like I don´t have anyone. Anyone I can hug or touch, just to feel the warmness of the body of someone else. Everybody leaves me. I can´t sleep at nights. I lay in my bed and listen how drops of rain are colliding with my window, thinking about all the people that left me behind continuing in their way and I stayed, like glued to the ground with no chance to move on. Someone would say I finally get used to people leaving me. But everytime it´s getting worse and worse. And I, like an idiot, am waiting for them to come back and leave me again. I don´t have friends that would hold me in my worst. That would stay with me. Their mouth are full of their own problems with one week boyfriend or other shit. And I´m sick.
My dad drinks a lot. Every day. He shouts and swears and calls me and my mother names. He´s disgusting for me as my father. And like the cherry on the top, I´ve never been good enough, for anyone. I was always that worse. I´ve been alwys questioned why am I not like her or her, why can´t I do it like her or her. Why am I not her?
And suddenly it was too much for me. The scissors wasn´t for cutting paper since that. It reveals my mental pain, it gets me calmer, it makes me feel better. I thought that my life is just a big horrible nightmare. And one little sting won´t help me wake up. So I tried harder, I tried so hard that my grey world had a little red in there.
Then I started hearing voices, quiet one. They were calling my name or just talking or screaming. They were telling me what to draw. And I drew. Pictures that would be scary for normal people. And they are. My mother started to be concened. She sent me to the psychologist and then I ended up with sessions at psychyatrist. But it´s getting worse. The numbness and emptyness I feel is unbearable. The tension inside of me is too much for me to deal with.
And I´m alone, just with my scars that never leave.
11 comments
Hi Rose,
Sorry to hear life is such crap for you. Just know it can get better, it really can. Of course there are no easy answers but there are choices, directions, intentions, that we can dedicate ourselves towards, that can, with time, make quite a difference. Maybe not in how others behave but in how we respond. In how we feel about ourselves bc others are abusive or emotionally imbalanced. Just try to pity such people and treat them accordingly. Often this means creating a space between you and them.
The best thing is to try and have a Zen attitude towards any negative people or situations,, (I know this is difficult,, but you might also be surprised by how much you can leave aside. It’s still there, but you’re not feeding (or being sucked into it) any longer.
Forget what other people say. We cannot count on others. Learn to be independent, so you dont confuse love with need, -as most of us do. There is only one you, focus on that. Keep it simple.
Know where you’re gonna be in one year or five years and that way all the little steps (many of them crap steps and things you will have to endure) will at least be recognized as steps to your eventual freedom. And keep your eye on that ball, so to speak. You dont say how old you are, but just keep communicating. Be as patient and positive as you can. You have access to many great works (Read Krishnamurti’s Think On These Things, for example).. and like this, and with one or two friends, or if you are lucky enough to have more,, make each day a day or growth and learning, of independence.. of course you will often not feel this way, but if you force your mind to occupy the space where you want to be,, not only will you feel an immediate sense of liberation from people like your dad, but from all the negative things in your life.
Anyway, I know you posted this a while ago. I had a rough upbringing myself, so Ican sort of relate. I certainly know how impossible it can get sometimes. I hope it gets better soon.
best, m
That was incredible advice mannikin. You sound like a highly evolved healer. Do you work helping others as a professional?
Tx Gary. No not a professional -I did major in psych, -though I think in general they do more harm than good, or are completely worthless. Ive learned a few things along the way is all. And I can feel the pain of others, sometimes, as if it were my own. This is a double-edged sword, but it’s just the way it is. best
Hi Rose,
don’t let what other people do get the best of you! you can’t control that, you only can control yourself which means stop cutting! face it life isn’t a story book dream and you are what you think about so flush that rotten BS out of your mind, think about yourself and how your going to treat others, your responsible for rose! be a good person and feel good when you pull the sheets over your toes at night.
well-done, rm
dragonfly_whisper,
Thank you,
I like you 🙂 I haven’t been on here for a long time, I want to help people but it’s hard, I know from experience what life is really about “yes I’m older” it’s hard for me to accept that life is what it is 🙁 not a bowl full of cherries HA hA! but! if you can accept the truth “reality” it’s much easier to deal with, I only wish that we were born knowing this, but this is something we have to learn, I am a romantic at heart one of my favorite songs is ” your love has lifted me higher” it sends shivers down my spine! but Google the man the song that’s reality, sad story, I’m not making much sense, but! my heart is in the right place, I’d be happy to talk with you anytime or anyone else @ recycling1000 @yahoo.com. I’m always open to share my story or listen to yours. 🙂
rocketman,
I like you too.
Fathers/ all people are difficult too. Even me — I am one hell of a woman to try to rope into a “listening” conversation.
I love the ” higher” song too.
Here’s the “*****” of “us”: There comes a point when we REALLY do realize that all of life is a circle. The pain you feel today, those who love you know once knew with similar intensity. The feeling you are trying to convey to me, many here now in the present. Life has a way of overlapping.
Somehow, I just want you to know that – in the moment you spoke to me – I came along and heard you.
DW
If you want someone to talk to, someone who won’t judge you or ever think badly of you, you can always email me (check my profile for my email). I promise I’ll always respond.
Thank you for all of your advices, you can´t imagine how much I aprecciate it. And I promise I´ll try my best, just because you made your time to read my post to the end.
It would be cool to see some of your art, if possible. Have you posted any online?
I was recently studying the images (I saved em in a folder on my computer tbh) made my Rowen Brea Altenberger, an 18 NYU student who recently committed suicide. She was quite a talented artist and seemingly had everything to live for, but she was severely depressed. It’s a sad story and her art is so revealing and compelling bc it is so touching and honest of her struggles. It has almost a visceral effect on those able to relate to such states of consciousness. The last image she posted had all the warning labels from her antidepressant scripts stuck all over a board that read ‘Doctor, Help, ‘Please, prescribe something to end the pain.’ and a little gun next to a sign that read Fuck it. She obviously did her research bc she died peacefully and even though I think life is a bad useless joke, for the most part.. it still made me sad. People who feel the most are cursed, they are given more for their consciousness to carry than most, and although this often comes at a steep price, there is also a gift in being able to see and care about what others are completely oblivious to.
Anyway, check in from time to time.
I haven´t posted online any pictures of mine, but if you really want I can send some to you or here.