The demons are getting to me. They are all inside my head now and my body is getting drained more and more each day. The suicide fantasies and the warm feelings of ending my life are starting to flare up again. Medication is not working anymore either. I think I’m gonna have to go sometime soon. I have fought for long, but they are winning.
Throughout all the day
The darkness remains
It’s here to stay
Light cannot pierce
It’s armor so strong
The darkness remains
T’was here for so long
Shadows no more,
Demons no long’r hide
The darkness remains
I have to abide
Throughout all the day
The darkness remains
It’s here to stay
Why is it that every time I try to end it all my conscious is like “No you can’t do this.”? Is it because I don’t have the guts to actually cut my vein?Or is it because I still have hope that I can conquer this battle? Yet, I can still harm myself? And not think twice about what I’m doing. Maybe I can conquer this battle or my demons are just playing around with me.
I couldn’t do what you said
This is a death note instead
There’s these voices in my head
Just wanna put them to bed
They’ve been screaming ’bout the pain
That’s been coursing through each vein
I’ve been trying to hit reset
This is all such a mess
They said suicide is a sin
But this game I cannot win
I am a 14 year old teenager, depressed and suicidal. I know this may sound stupid but does anyone know any pills that will make me pass out if I overdose? I am not exactly trying to kill myself, just a way of revealing my pain to my parent without having to actually talk to them, but let’s just say I wouldn’t care if I died overdosing.
I know I will receive lots of “don’t do this” “you don’t deserve life” and “you’re worth it” but I don’t believe any of that. I hate my life and myself so much, I don’t think anything or anyone can change this. So please, spare me the sweet comments about how everything will get better and I should stay strong because I can’t, I am a weak person who cannot handle anything anymore.
I don´t know how I ended up like this.
I feel like I don´t have anyone. Anyone I can hug or touch, just to feel the warmness of the body of someone else. Everybody leaves me. I can´t sleep at nights. I lay in my bed and listen how drops of rain are colliding with my window, thinking about all the people that left me behind continuing in their way and I stayed, like glued to the ground with no chance to move on. Someone would say I finally get used to people leaving me. But everytime it´s getting worse and worse. And I, like an idiot, am waiting for them to come back and leave me again. I don´t have friends that would hold me in my worst. That would stay with me. Their mouth are full of their own problems with one week boyfriend or other shit. And I´m sick.
My dad drinks a lot. Every day. He shouts and swears and calls me and my mother names. He´s disgusting for me as my father. And like the cherry on the top, I´ve never been good enough, for anyone. I was always that worse. I´ve been alwys questioned why am I not like her or her, why can´t I do it like her or her. Why am I not her?
And suddenly it was too much for me. The scissors wasn´t for cutting paper since that. It reveals my mental pain, it gets me calmer, it makes me feel better. I thought that my life is just a big horrible nightmare. And one little sting won´t help me wake up. So I tried harder, I tried so hard that my grey world had a little red in there.
Then I started hearing voices, quiet one. They were calling my name or just talking or screaming. They were telling me what to draw. And I drew. Pictures that would be scary for normal people. And they are. My mother started to be concened. She sent me to the psychologist and then I ended up with sessions at psychyatrist. But it´s getting worse. The numbness and emptyness I feel is unbearable. The tension inside of me is too much for me to deal with.
And I´m alone, just with my scars that never leave.
I don’t know where to begin. I’m 25. And I’m scared honestly. I know the tears that runs down face, is pain. And I feel like I can’t go through it anymore. This life of mines is something I don’t want to go through anymore. I’ve dealt with so much throughout my life, I feel like, I just can’t do it anymore.
My demons creep back into my room and rip me to shreds…. Leave me with tears, scars, and blood dripping from my legs…. Who cares though right? I mean that’s how I live life everyday… With the people around me.. Who say they’ll stay?
I mean they said it’d be okay.. But honestly this “okay” feeling has yet to come.. So here I am once again putting on the same mask to hide my true expression.
Though I may smile it doesn’t mean I feel how I look… Looks can be deceiving.. And one might say that I’m a master of deception. I scream for help but I’m still drowning… Will I ever be saved? Will I ever find my purpose?
I can’t take it anymore. I am breaking into pieces , I’m just tired of life , that’s all!! 🙁
I’m sick of all the shit. I can’t fight the Demons inside me , I just wanna drag the blade on my skin 🙁 !!!!! 🙁
I’ve always dealt with anxiety and depression, well since i was 15, is when i felt the horrible feel.
I wish i never felt that way ever again, and i would do so, to not feel that way again , is to not put myself in that position.
I fell in love again , and no this one isn’t a mistake, it is perfect. So perfect that it shows my imperfections.
Which introduced the horrible feeling back into my life. I’m 18 now going on 19. Â I fell in love 5 days after my birthday and been that way ever since. This relationship has showed me how broken i have became. I dissembled myself , in front of myself. I lost the feeling of love , but i know i still can love. I’m having a battle with myself, and its causing my mind to deteriorate. I’m trying to shed this little girl that my past has made me , but its like a demon who has embedded his claws into my soul. When i feel myself overcoming, i start to fuck up , and become depressed, doubles itself. I wanted to run into traffic i can hear him talking in my head. i just want it to stop.
I trying to run away , i am trying to escape. I’m so lost with words. i cant even explain my feelings. I try to explain and people say im being negative, but its really the negative hurting me. I just wished someone understood, step in my shoes. lived with my demon..
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I was doing well, I almost lost track of myself. For me, coming out of all that darkness was a miracle. I was on track, I felt like I had a direction, besides the anger and hurt and pain. I don’t know where else to write this, to speak it out loud, because this, my most recent and inevitable collapse, cannot be heard by anyone else. This is my only voice, the clack clack of my computer keys. I feel pathetic, spilling up the words here like bloody vomit, because I cannot be alone. I need to put this somewhere, where it may be heard. I can scream and shout my tormented rage no where else…
After my fantastic tangent… It seemed so surreal, too clear and crisp and bright. I overcame my demons, or so it seemed. I thought I could escape. New life. Like a phoenix. I had visions of power rising within me, power over my own life and my own path, burning and fiery like a rising dragon. I put away my knife, my wounds healed, my scars faded. I put away my addictions, my fears, I overcame myself. But it never left me.
I came to the belief that, changing modes, coming into a University, where nobody knew me, where I had been, or what I had done, I could start anew. I stupidly put false hope in the idea I could practically reinvent myself. They would never know. Everything would be okay. I was away from that old world. I would come to a place where… I was not the old me, but the new one. The one no one knew. The one who had deleted an old way of life, an old darkness, and all his demons, so people would not see the pathetic creature he really was, see through him into his shame.
I don’t know what I thought. Everything I have done, all my life, has been fake. I have never understood people. Emotions, interactions, the way they meet in groups and shout and laugh and chatter like monkeys. But I have been so very good at faking it. Replicating their interactions, their rhetoric. Very few people have ever seen me as I really am. Having said that, I do nothing by half measures. When I do feel, and feel I inevitably do… It is in the worst kind of extreme. So dark and painful, biting, bleeding, and Hard I can barely breathe.
I lie a lot. I lie like I breathe. I do not want people to know. Especially my family. I want to keep what concerns me to me. I don’t want people to be burdened by my darkness and my pain. The web of lies I have woven around myself to keep it masked and cloaked astounds me, sickens me, to an extent I did not think possible. I have hated and been ashamed of myself since I was a young child, but it gets deeper. My head never shuts up. It’s deafening in its silence. This is something I cannot put into words. Like a grey mess of static. Numb, but bleeding and raw around the edges. burning aggravation, pain, sitting, sinking its teeth deep into my mind, and though it says nothing, I can’t shut it up. and sometimes, it is very loud. Not the quiet loud, but the VERY loud. so many crowding voices trying to cut me up. hateful voices, thoughts that despise everything, but me most of all.
This never left me. I never stopped being bent up and broken, and I feel Stupid, Naive, to have thought I could escape it. After everything that came before, how could I think it would just leave me. I never stopped hating myself. and I suppose there in lies the key to my inevitable downfall. I am despicable. I am false, and I am a liar. I am selfish, and rotten on the inside. A corpse that still breathes. I am nothing.
And I suppose she reminded me of that. The frantic, too bright energy of the past year has amounted to nothing. She was a lie. I let myself feel for her. I got what inevitably comes of such things. She reminded me. I can’t hate her for showing me the truth, but I can still hate her for everything else. Just a little bit less then I hate myself.
So here I am. Again. Here I am again. Digging in my left arm for buried treasure. slicing wrist to shoulder. I never realised how bad it would feel to start again. I had so nearly convinced myself that I never had, the scars were so near gone. Â The shame, yes. The guilt. But it feels good. Justified. Right. The horrible, pathetic justice I can enact against myself. I deserve to be punished, but yet after, in the quiet, when for a moment the fog lifts, I feel so ashamed, deeply ashamed. I cover myself, my wrists, I never let anyone see. I just want to hurt. Cut, Slash and Burn. I want to hurt, and hurt, and hurt.
It was more then a year. More then a year. Yet here I am. Hiding. Again.
What or who do you think is torturing us?Â And why?Â Is it a god that’s torturing us for some reason?Â Is it some evil powers like demons?Â Or is it justÂ “nature”?
I see a picture of horses grazing in a field and, my god, it’s so beautiful, it’s so peaceful, none of them are bleeding, or in any pain, all of them are beautiful happy and content.Â That’s how life should be.
Instead we have chaos everywhere police syrens, blood, screams, filth, crying, humiliation,Â emptiness, suicide, hopeless, traumatized….
Everything is wrong.Â I want to know why.
Its been ages since i last wrote on here.
+++ Nothing has changed… Will i be like this forever?
I am still suffering from depression, stopped counselling because it wasn’t helping; but i realized recently i just wasn’t patient enough and i still continue to self harm as a coping method to help me through the mood swings and hatred.
On the plus side… i passed my gcses and started college- which is why my dad says i have no need to cut or be sad. Clearly he doesn’t understand what depression is…
What gets everyone through each horrible night and past the demons?
There’s something cold and blank behind her smile
She’s standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
“You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away”
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself
Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls
To that little girl, smiling from ear to ear, with no worries on her mind and no demons in her head? Where’s the girl whose smile would light up a room, who laughed like there was no tomorrow, who would spend hours jumping in the rain, where’s the girl who enjoyed life?
What happened to me, what’s wrong with me? Now I am waiting to die, every second of every day just waiting. I’ve been waiting for 4 years now, when will it finally come to an end?
“When you grow up, your heart dies.”-The Breakfast Club.
I am a failure in all ways that matter to me i cant stay away from drugs and they no longer even numb my pain the one i love with all my heart is to afraid what it would mean to love me to be gay even tho he has said if he was he would marry me and has considered it…..he claims he cares and that i am a good man but he was raised to hate gays even tho he does not hate me??? yet his ex he hates and is always fighting with but uses for a booty call will spend a week here and i am left completely isolated and ignored as she uses lines like “what you a fag and fucking him” my greatest fear is loneliness and the week or more i feel like a stranger in my own home (these are also the only times my demons drive me to drugs but they are becoming so frequent idk if i could stop) and i have started mixing poisons and practicing hangman’s nooses…..my birthday is in 3 days and that is when i plan to do it just wanted to leave some record goodbye im to tired to live this existence
This is my story from the startÂ http://suicideproject.org/2013/07/my-story-161/Â please reaad that first before continuing down so you will understand the bits that i’ve missed out.
So you have read the beginnings and the main depth of what happened in my child/teen life. Heres some that i have missed out like my eating disorder , suicide attempt and the visions and self harm.
Im going to start off with the visions i get when i have anxiety attacks or panic attacks i haven’t told anyone what i hear, see or feeling during these episodes. Not even my psychiatrist. Well i get flash backs of the that night i got raped its like im right back re living it, i can feel everything smell the damp earth and his horrible b.o and smoke smell but my hearing goes of when this traumatic anxiety like episode strikes me i cant hear anything around me until its over. And in that time i burst out in tears i have moments when i scream into my blanket.. no one is around when these strike the black bastards like to get me alone so im more isolated.
The other visions i got are me as a small child i was taken way back to where i first walked, to being held in my mothers arms then it flashes back to me being stuck in a coffin.. its hard to explain but my anxiety attacks are out of the ordinary they scare the heck out of me! sometimes i cant breathe it feels like someone is choking me and at the same time something in my mind all these tormenting thoughts. Â I have told a few close friends of mine about the visions i get that are so rapid they change from one thing to the next they think im psychic but i really just think its flashbacks well memories flashing back really.
Anyway with my eating disorder its kind of a mind ridden thing that i now have controlled thanks to the new medication im on. but i just never ate i hated food, this resorts back to the anxiety/panic attacks cause when i have them i get told a lot of nasty things from the black bastards(negative thoughts) they always told me i didnt deserve to eat i believed it, they told me to look in the mirror and see how horrible i look for eating and i believed it about a month later i noticed my hip bones were starting to show , Â and it freaked me out the idea of turning anorexia just.. because i have seen things on the internet about anorexia really scared me. I know i was asking for it by never eating but when i was in my good headspace i realized these small things like starting to go anorexic i Â gave my mum hell about it
We went to my psyciatrist and told him i lost appetite and never ate anything. and i told him my hipbones were showing i said its only the medication i was on at the time which was “seritraline” but i lied. i didnt want anyone to think im just going insane by hearing voices telling me i dont deserve to eat or im not allowed anymore. He knew though my psychiartist isnt stupid he just understood i didnt want to say anything just like he knows i dont want to go to doctors to get my scars examined i keep making excuses. But he changed my medication to one that will help my mind and control my appetite which i was happy about at the time cause i wanted nothing more then to be normal again.. After coming to accept myself ive started to realise i don’t even medications to be happy, i dont need these external superficial things to make me happy just be happy with me and the life i chose.
Thanks again for reading this, sorry its all so long but thats about in depth i am going to go about my hell of 3 years. And keep your opinions to yourself if you have something horrible to say remember its not even you thinking those thoughts.
I want good positive feedback or link me your stories cause id love to read them ! and we can all get through this together 🙂
I saw my mum for the first time in a few weeks today. She turned to me and said all she has in the world is me, my brother and her husband, but that I was her rock. Sheâ€™s been going through her own trouble, battling her own demons for a long time. Little did she know her rock was crying down the phone to the Samaritans last night, that I was crying down the phone just to feel something. How can I ever tell her that I want to die? How can I tell her that every day I smash up my sanity just trying to survive? How can I tell her that I canâ€™t stay another day longer? How can I tell her when she is the reason for the breath still in my lungs? Iâ€™ve mentioned before that I imagine her dying, as if her death is validation for my own. How do I do this? I feel such clarity when I think about death until I think of her and then I feel nothing but dread. I am sick. I donâ€™t know how much longer I can wear this disguise, how much longer I can be a rock. I donâ€™t know what Iâ€™m asking for. Can anyone understand this?
Just minutes before the world went black, a massive solar flare erupted.
Scientists only had seconds to realize what it was. But it was to late to even warn anyone.
There was a universal black out.
The whole world went dark.
Before the black out people were oblivious to the world around them. They let technology rule there lives, and in seconds,
Chaos ensued like never before, people were terrified. No one knew how to live without technology, fearing they worst.
Governments fell, stores were robbed blind, people murdered for no reason at all.
Gangs rose out of the ashes,
mafias seized power.
And when things seemed like they couldnâ€™t get worse.
The militaries stepped in and took control of everything, slaughtering anyone who got in there way . The united states and most inhabited countries were broke down into districts, a specific military unite ran each district.
Marshal law was instated, and the world seemed to go on as it was before.
Except there was no power.
And no one knew why.
Fear was not enough to keep order, People rioted and rebelled, demanded answers, but no one had the answers.
Civil wars happened around the globe, and just when they were about to kill each other off, something that everyone had put out of there minds happened,
The Nuclear reactors fell out,
Hundreds of thousands died.
Religion long forgotten came to the fore front. The catholic church stepped in and offered one simple answer that has changed man kind forever.
What was once frowned upon and scorned for being religious banter, suddenly became very believable, because the Vatican had proof.
The pope had a troop of captured supernaturalâ€™s spread through the districts.
A condition that was easy to hide in the cities when they had power, due the ability to work nights and live a night life. Was impossible to hide in a post black out world.
The pope went on to say that the end of the world was upon them. And the black out was a punishment designed by God. For humanity has fallen far from grace, and the harboring of demons was a capital offense.
The pope suggested that the people had to cleanse themselves of the darkness, in an effort to achieve redemption.
In a matter of hours people had committed hundreds of murders. Just on the allegations that some one was of demon decent. Many innocent people died in that first day. And over time the compulsion to kill everything that moved had subsided. But the pope had achieved the two goals he wanted. His insertion into power, and the deaths of manyÂ demon born.
It was believed that they had been rendered extinct.
She doesnâ€™t know how to cope.
She doesnâ€™t see any light.
So she picks up a blade
and cries the whole night.
He drowns his demons
With whiskey and pills
Heâ€™s fully aware,
of how much it kills.
She dreams of flight.
But not like the birds.
She just slices through air.
Without any words.
Heâ€™ll catch his train,
To the land of dreams
While the life he left behind,
Tears at itâ€™s seams.
Iâ€™ll go soon enough but for now
Iâ€™ll just wait.
For my demons to guide me to my