I’m broke

I don’t honestly know what to say so i’ll just start typing and hope it works. so for the most part my life hasn’t been the worst I grew up mostly in a trashy trailer park my dad left the day i was born. i also got bullied when i was little i would come home with bruise, cuts, scraps quite often there where some older gets who would beat on me. it wasn’t to bad then it started when i was about 4 but i had a few friends so i could take it. but in second grade my mom forced me to switch to this christian school and i couldn’t see all but a few of my old friends that’s when so much physical bullying stopped and more psychological started. but hey you can develop some weird problems when a pastor takes you into his office to beat you with a wooden paddle for stuff you didn’t know you did. I was a little over weight at the time so i got made fun of for being the fat kid. but i made 3 friends and they helped me through a lot of stuff. so i made it through middle school without much trouble just some insecurities and shyness. but one of my friends talked me into joining the basketball team freshmen year. i lost some weight and basketball became my crutch for when stuff got bad. I swear that got more and more frequent my grandpa died whom had been one of the few men in my life with the others being my uncle who would hit me when my mom had me watch me. I started dating but she left me and fucked my best friend at the time It wasn’t so much bad that she moved on more it felt like my best friend back stabbed me and it just sucked then my other friends moved away. so we have all but stopped talking and it sucked but i still had basketball so I had my crutch life was decent i wasn’t happy, i wasn’t content but life wasn’t terrible. and in 11th grade this one girl i had been friends with sense freshmen finally convinced me to date again I wasn’t exactly eager to seeing how the last took one of my few friends when she left. but it went well she was the first person I got attached to the first person i really opened up to and it went well for about 4 months we gave our virginity to each other we used a condom but she still got pregnant. it wasn’t a bad thing but we where young. we decided we where going to keep it but she mis carried It’s stupid to be attached to a fetus but we both where so we took it badly. that was at 4 months then because that i suppose she cheated on me. I was hurt but i forgave her pretty quickly I’m young but I think that this is love. I asked her to stop talking to him she continually lied to me about stopping but she kept seeing him until she left me for him. I had been more attached to her than any of my friends, family, or any other relationship of any manner. she was honestly the first person to get me to completely open up. when she left it crushed me I felt inadequate, replaceable, pathetic, worthless, useless the list goes on. I was crushed. after a month she came back and pretty much told me everything i thought was true she told me he was better than me in every way. but i stupidly took her back again she left me a second time. I think this was when i acknowledged i was depressed but in all honesty I’m still in denial about that but meh. this of course just confirmed my prior feelings. she came back a third time I tried to turn her away but she kept at it till i took her back. I asked her to leave the school she was attending that he goes to with her she said she would but she didn’t what’s more hollow words anyways. I tried cutting for the first time this month i don’t really understand how it helps some people. I’m stressed and she’s in all honesty just pushing me farther and farther. I can’t leave her though I love her. I’m more scared of losing her than i am of suicide. I’ve come close to it so many times. she knows she’s hurting me but she doesn’t care. I think i want to say goodbye with a bullet. I can’t function properly. I am broke. I can’t fix it. bye

well thanks if you bother reading me ramble about and poorly explain my story.