I have been in pain for years and I think about ending my life everyday. It’s not about wanting to die, but there is too much pain to handle any more. At this point I am trying to get things in order.
For me, the pain started decades ago when I was abused by priests. I tried to live with it, and for a long time I was able to cope. Unfortunately my mental health has deteriorated along with my physical health for many years and it is no longer a weight that I can carry. I have been diagnosed and re-diagnosed several times – enough so I don’t know what the real mental health issue is. From Bipolar to borderline personality to severe depression and PTSD — I am apparently all of those with some OCD to add to the mix.
Add a couple of terrible marriages and a family that has drifted apart. One of my children won’t talk to me at all because he is dealing with his own issues and my health pulls him down.
My physical pain is immense because of spinal fusions and degenerating discs. It is like lightning through my body all day and night. I can only imagine what this chronic problem will be like in years ahead, as it only gets worse every year.
At night, there’s no such thing as restful sleep. My dreams include death and dying every night. Then, during the day, I at least think about the end of my life for at least a few moments, but often for hours.
Middle aged and little money, debt up to the eyeballs, problems that many people have and cope with.
Ready for some irony? I work for a mental health agency and deal with policy issues on subjects such as suicide every day.
Nothing would make me happier than just dropping dead — then there is no stigma for my family to deal with, no feelings of guilt, anger and all the other things that remain for a family. I am so concerned about the way I will die, that it becomes a major component of my thoughts.
I hope I have not violated any of the rules here, I do want people to understand that considering this issue is complex and is not just simply based on emotion.
6 comments
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, and your family isn’t able to offer much (or any?) support. You say you have little money – is it little enough that you might qualify for some kind of assistance?
I hope you find some relief.
I work as much as I can, but unfortunately it’s just not enough money to cover everything anymore. Unfortunately my former wife is refusing to provide the tax people with a letter that shows I have paid support to her for years and they want me to pay 36,000 in taxes that I don’t owe. She doesn’t seem to realize that by refusing to acknowledge she received support puts me in jeopardy of continuing those payments if the taxman seizes my paycheques. Wouldn’t that be ironic.
Thanks for your note.
I hate to be blunt – but it would seem to my your former spouse knows precisely what her refusal means and does. I hope I’m wrong but it has been my experience that when a woman feel a perceived injustice has been done to her, they have a habit of exacting retribution many times beyond that which they perceived was done to them.
I hope you can find a way around her stubbornness – i have been (still am) on the receiving end of similar situations myself so I know the difficulty involved. I too, suffer from similar spinal issues – I wish I had more words of advice/encouragement. Live each day for your own happiness/well being – reject things you cannot change. Time spent thinking/worrying about things you can do nothing to change is wasted time/energy.
And for god’s sake – don’t get married again! (this is meant as humor)
divorced dawg
Thanks for your advice Dawg. I absolutely agree with your assessment of the situation. She is absolutely evil. This is the same woman who spent a settlement I have received for the sexual abuse I endured as a child. She even took out a loan on a car I owned (without my knowledge) and then didn’t pay it, leading to it being repossessed. Can you imagine my surprise when a car I paid cash for got repossessed?
Believe me, I try to find happiness and reject worries and such – but my OCD keeps these items in my head all the time. It’s like a stuck record.
I wish you peace. Thanks for writing.
You’re welcome … I think we all have a “satan” that we wish we never met. all we can do is try to “duck and cover” and get as far away as fast as possible and stay way and try to weather the shit storm without making the situation any worse than it already is. While I agree that happiness is a goal to strive for, I try simply to ensure i don’t do anything that will have a negative or destructive outcome/result. To me, if things result in neutral or positive conclusions or results, it’s a “win”.
For me, when past items issues present themselves in my mind, I ask, “How does this affect this moment or future moments?” … usually the answer is “it has no effect” … and I reject it as useless info, a thought that is not worth expending time/energy to consider. It took me a while but after putting these types of thoughts through reexamination consistently, I eventually reconditioned myself to do this almost automatically/subconsciously.
We can only go forward, so other than taking the lessons of the past forward with us, there is very little value in expending time/energy reviewing memories of past events. I hope you find this helpful when those thoughts pop into your mind – it takes time to recondition your mind to process things differently – don’t give up – be patient and consistent and persistent.
All the best my friend.
thinking dawg
“It took me a while but after putting these types of thoughts through reexamination consistently, I eventually reconditioned myself to do this almost automatically/subconsciously.”
That’s such great advice, Dawg; just about the best thing we can do when dealing with those intrusive thoughts.
Oldnewsman, I don’t know where my head was, but I just re-read your post and saw this line: “Ready for some irony? I work for a mental health agency and deal with policy issues on subjects such as suicide every day.”
Holy shit! I don’t know how I missed that. In a way, that, to me, is the most heartbreaking line in your post. For what it’s worth, I’m rooting for you, and I hope you’ll keep us updated.