Feels like eons since I’ve been on this site, but in “reality” it has only been a few weeks. I moved 4 hours away from my previous home, got a job at walmart making a pittance to run around like a headless chicken. Stressing to the max about money. And still wanting to kill myself.
I found a super awesome guy who’s letting me rent his room and is understanding about me not having the rent money until I get paid in 2-4 weeks. And he has a really cool 15 year old daughter who stays with him part time. I love teenagers. They’re so much fun.
But even with the luck of finding a place to stay, I have so much NOT going right. I got a job, yes, at minimum wage, and my first paycheck will only have about 18 hours on it, so I’m gonna be totally screwed for 2 weeks until my second check, which will probably ENTIRELY go to bills and rent and food.
I’ve spent about $6000 on my car in the last 4 months (which is a big chunk of where my money went) to fix everything that needed fixing on her to make her road worthy after sitting in a carport for about 5 years. And NOW she’s slowly leaking oil… and her tranny is a little finicky. I have to have a car to get to work. I have to. And I don’t have the money to fix her. I had to BORROW money just to buy a quart of oil to put in her. Does not bode well.
At my dead end job, I’ll be making about $12,000 a year… I’m in debt to the tune of about $35,000 due to mainly medical/dental expenses. At this rate it’ll take me 20 years to pay that shit off. Un-freaking-believable. And a majority of that debt is actually from my late husband. I think it’s BS that the banks say “We’re very sorry that you lost your husband, and we know you have been a homemaker for the last 8 years, but you know you’re responsible for this debt, so pay up.” F Them. My husband had a great job, and made a decent amount of money, but because we both had/have ongoing health issues, we were never able to pay down that debt, and anytime we did a little bit, an emergency would come up and we’d have to borrow it all back.
I need a freaking break. And I need it now. I need my husband back. I’m done with this nightmare. God needs to give him back to me and set this bullshit right. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I’m done playing his sick freaking games. Done being stepped on by the universe. This life is a fucking joke. Can’t get anywhere. I had all I needed. The only person who stood by me when shit got tough, and then the universe TOOK him from me. Un-fucking-acceptable. UNACCEPTABLE.
This is why I now believe, if God exists, he’s an asshole. I’ve had a shitty life. Not the worst ever, but not even close to even being AVERAGE. And the ONLY thing that made it better, the ONLY thing that made me have any hope for a better tomorrow and the possibility of a REAL FUTURE, was my husband. He was the ONLY GOOD THING in my life. And now he’s fucking gone, and I’m thrust into the deepest, darkest pits of hell, where shit is so bad that it’s nearly impossible to even remember that I was EVER HAPPY… That there was ever a time when life wasn’t THIS FUCKED. It’s like my entire life with him was a dream, and now I’m awake. This is a fucking nightmare and I keep waiting to fucking wake up from it and find him laying next to me in our tiny little apartment with our 2 cats. I’m waiting for that fucking day, because I REFUSE to believe that THIS SHIT is really real life.
This shit can’t be real. It’s TOO fucked. I believe in Karma… but if Karma is real, then I was fucking Hitler in my past life, because I’ve been shit on by the Universe for practically my entire 27 years in this body. I’m a good person. This shit shouldn’t be happening to me. Fuckin universe always seems to pick on the BEST people, and then it lets selfish, greedy, murderers, pedophiles, rapists, thieving CEO’s, etc get everything they ever fucking want. And when the rich people get caught, cuz they’re bad fucking people, they get a slap on the fucking wrist….
I am so done with this “life experiment”. I’ve learned enough. Life sucks. If you’re good and kind and help others, you’re fucked. If you’re greedy and only out for yourself, the sky is the limit. Fukin tweaked.
/rant
14 comments
I’m sorry you lost your husband. My heart goes out too you. I lost my partner last year and year befor that I lost my older brother who was everything to me I know what grief can do too someone
I was going to say that it’s nice to see you back on SP again and how are you doing after the move but after reading the post, well, I won’t, there’s nothing I can say. I can only really comment on the last part because it also annoys me too knowing that the greedy bastards at the top just keep screwing us at the bottom and getting away with it, be a bastard in life and you’ll be happy!
I could do a snufflesesque “echo” of what nias just said.
I’m glad you are still around. I still think of when you opened up about how your husband died. It is a heartwrenching story that haunts me and I can only imagine what you go through.
It isn’t fair that he was stolen away from you like that…and then to struggle with the shambles of life in the wake of it all, my heart goes out to you.
I still really wish somehow I could’ve died so you two could have remained together. Love like that shouldn’t be severed and you both shared something quite beautiful. I’m so sorry…
A life does not equal a life…. I would have been sad if my husband had been here at the cost of your life.
You wouldn’t even know me if that were the case so you wouldn’t have cause to be sad. Perhaps you wouldn’t even be on this site.
For someone to have found such a beautiful connection with another person and to watch it slip away like that is horrible.
The cost of my life to have prevented something so heartbreaking from occurring to you in such a base, selfish world is mere pennies to the dollar. You’re right of course that a life does not equal a life. I wish it did though. The value and presence of such light in the world is far greater than me.
You are the sweetest person ever. Thank you.
Thanks guys. Ya’ll are awesome. And yeah, it sucks that if you’re a jerk, you get almost anything you want and get to succeed, but if you’re a genuinely nice person, you get the short end of the stick. Meh. Just isn’t fair.
I didn’t give a decent reply because it was such a strong post and I didn’t think I could say anything that helps and I still can’t think of anything but just to hope things improve for someone who’s been through so much recently and deserves better.
Thank you, nias. Even just saying that you read it, or “hi” is a little bright spot in my day. I know what you mean though. I’ve read many posts on here and been left entirely speechless, wanting to help, but having no words. Just say “hi”, lol. It’s at least an acknowledgement that you heard the other person, and that you’re there for them. (*_^)
I agree. I’ve lived my life being nice, kind & generous. All it has brought me is poverty, loneliness & struggle. Good people get shit on. Maybe the good need to learn some grit about life & the more I cling to good, the more life sends more muck to force me to learn.
Hi…hugs. Sorry you’re hurting so much.
Thank you.
I’m sorry you are going through this hell. I think you are incredibly strong for all that you have been through. I was thinking the same thing today, I’m glad you’ve got a roof over your head at the moment and a job even though it’s not ideal. Please keep in mind that this isn’t forever, it is until you can get back on your feet. I feel for you. I agree with you. I hope things get a little easier for you soon. Hugs.
Thank you, kittin. (^_^)