Hi to whoever is reading this. I don’t know where to begin. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. Going into college, being an 18 year old girl felt amazing. I pictured myself partying, having so many friends and so much fun. I tried to play myself off as that person for the first month. And it didn’t occur to me that I was draining myself slowly. Finally, at the beginning of last month, I realized that these “friends” I had made were interested in who I pretended to be. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I wouldn’t fit in if I tried. I’m introverted and I don’t really have friends. Acquaintances, groups that I’m involved it but nothing usually surpasses a “Hi! How are you?” basis. I feel like such a disappointment. I’m judged because I stay in my room and watch movies a lot, or do other things by myself.
I’m so sleepy.
My medication makes me so drowsy. If I don’t take three pills a day, I feel suicidal. But if I do, I will sleep through all my classes. Why do I feel so alone? Why would I constantly rather be doing something else than hanging out with someone, and yet I still feel so alone? I hate that I can’t accept myself. My many forms of anxiety, social being the most prominent. I’m scared I will never be able to accept who I am, and my desire to be someone different paired with my inability to be will send me over the edge.
Earlier this afternoon, I decided to take my third pill because I was feeling very triggered. I sat at my desk in my dorm room. In my large picture frame, there is one picture of each of my family members. In the blackness surrounding the pictures, I could see my reflection as I held the neon bottle to my face. I dumped the bottle completely over into my waiting mouth. One pill went in.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
Now I guess I have to find a new plan. I’m too scared to overdose on my medication. It’s the most painless strategy, but I want to find another.
I’m just tired of trying to expect other people to accept me when I absolutely hate myself and my introversion.
1 comment
If you have a social life, don’t waste it, but don’t change to please others.
You are you, not what others want you to be.
If you feel bad, remove the source of suffering from your life if you can.
I know from experience that very few people who say they want to die, actually try to do it, and usually fail.
Please, if you hate yourself, don’t do something stupid.
If people don’t like you, it’s their problem, not yours.
A true friend would not want to control your life, and would help you without asking for something in return.