I don’t know what made me find this site… well I do bit I don’t know what made me decide to stay here. I guess I just thought maybe writing out my thoughts would help. But then again not much can help anymore. So… I’m not sure what to tell anyone, as if anyone’s gonna care but here I go.
I haven’t always been suicidal, in fact I used to never stop smiling, to always be happy. But recently I’ve just had so much happen. One thing that’s got me so depressed is probably losing a lot of my family all in just a few months. Another thing is the people at school, of course I try my best to ignore that. Suprisingly I’m not bullied for being bisexual, but instead for the way a dress and wear my hair, along with the music I listen to. The past year of relationships nearly tore me apart, I can’t keep a relationship to save my life. The first one hurt, but I was able to move on to a new one. That one hurt too, but yet again I was able to move on when the first one wanted to try the relationship again. Ultimately it failed again and as usual found someone who I though was nice, how wrong I was. This went on from 2011 until this year so I’m not just jumping from person to person I swear. After that last relationship I met a really nice boy and we dated for about a month. Over time he just drifted away, even to the point of completely ignoring me when he was with everyone else. He didn’t text me until the night we broke up when he told me he had found someone new. This of course had only made me mad, but over time the anger only faded to depression making me wonder why I am so easily replaced by everyone. The last relationship I was in was with this girl, she was so sweet and loving…. Well we broke up, she wanted someone else… I’ve lost most of my friends, they all completely ignore me when I talk, so I just don’t. I don’t tell anyone how I feel, I don’t smile and laugh at jokes anymore, I don’t bother with trying to make conversation, because they don’t care… People take little notice in me, even my family doesn’t notice how faked my smile is… no one does. No one notices the scars I have, or if they do I simply blame it on a cat and no questions are pressed any further… I just wish thay someone would look at me and say I know you’re not okay… but no one does and I just feel so alone. I guess that’s just how life is though huh? In the real world no one cares…
There’s still more to me than just the break ups that have me so depressed. Sure that’s a lot of it but the loss of family and friends do contribute. I also have bipolar disorder, which doesn’t help a thing… I think a lot of my friends don’t like me because I’m too rough… I bite and scratch and play too hard sometimes without meaning to and that makes people not like me. I can’t always control how I act and it just makes me feel like I need to be locked up in a box where I can’t hurt anyone…
I guess that’s all for now I feel like anyone who reads this isn’t even going to like me. I don’t usually talk… er well… type this much. I guess I really let my feelings take over… But that’s supposed tk be okay… right?
1 comment
Good Morning Riot
It doesn’t matter why you are here…only that you are. I’m sorry that life has been extra rough on you as of late….but it was a similar feeling of being overwhelmed with life that brought me to this site almost 3 years ago.
Here is the most important thing I learned….change your thoughts…change your life. Thoughts…especially negative ones are a bad habit. I have a million questions to ask…but most importantly…have you actually been diagnosed with BPD? What meds if any are you taking? Are you seeing a therapist? Feel free to ignore all of the above…just glad you are here and talking. 😀
Unfortunately you can’t change the world…just the way you think about it and react to it. But if you could change “your” world…how would you change it?
I’m also assuming that you are a teen or young adult. If so…you have probably heard ad infinitum…things will get better. Heard that one? Well it isn’t true. Only you will get better if you wish to…and things seem to fall into place when you do. I know life is easier if you have lots of distractions(especially a significant other)…but you can not find fulfillment through another…you have to find it in yourself first. It all starts and ends with you…what you think is the only thought that matters….so change your thoughts. Why not?