Dear mom,
I know this will hurt you for as long as you live. I don’t know what to say to ease the pain I’m going to cause, but I know that ‘sorry’ changes little. Though I will tell you why I did this, I know you’ll still be overwhelmed, confused, and hurt. Everything that was going through my head before I did this can be found in the Notes and Momento apps on my iPod if you’re interested. Everyone will probably think that this was an irrational decision done on impulse, but it wasn’t. There was a lot of thought put behind it, and there are hundreds of things I’m going to miss and not experience. But just so you know upfront, college, social anxiety, depression, and lack of self-esteem and meaning are the primary reasons why I did it.
The saddest part about dying, besides leaving everyone you love, is that people forget you. After some number of years, my name will be forgotten and I’ll be nothing. Being that I hate my life here, I actually look forward to oblivion. It’s one of the few things I know is going to happen to me and most people. I also see no point in sustaining a body I don’t like and didn’t ask for only to be forgotten.
I’m not going to lie: I have a ton a problems, including being terrified of death. I’m especially terrified of the moment I start to kill myself. But I’m also kind of happy that the misery I endured to this point will soon come to an end, at least I hope.
I’ve had enough of life. It’s not for everyone, and nor is college if that’s somehow relevant. I also regret wasting your and dad’s time and money. I have tried my best to live for you and held out as long as I could, but I’m tired. I give up trying to fix myself and my life. They’re both lost causes. If you’re wondering why I isolated myself from everyone, it’s because I knew I would end up committing suicide and didn’t want to hurt any more people than I had to. No matter what, I probably still would have done this within 10 years. I hate how oppressing it is here. Please take care of my piano and put the guitar in the case when I’m gone. I really loved music, especially piano…They gave my life meaning and happiness, and I regret leaving them behind.
Also, if by some chance I wind up alive in some undesirable condition remember that I’ve had enough of life. I just want to make it clear that I no longer want to live. Please pull the plug if by some stupid chance I survive unable to function like normal. I don’t care what you do with my body after it is dead. Donate it to science if you want, cremate it, but understand that if I survive I will not be convinced to live, and I am sorry if that makes me a selfish coward, but I cannot do this anymore. I am done; I lack the strength to continue. When people ask why I killed myself, you can just say I was sad.
Again I really hate myself for hurting you like this, but there was no other way. Sometimes giving up is the only solution to a problem. I can’t accept my body, my poor luck, the insults (i.e being an innocent, good person who’s suffered injustice after injustice his entire life), the bleak future, and not knowing why I exist anymore. Also no one wants me I think. I’m sorry you gave birth to me, I’m sorry I kept quiet about all this, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be more strong, but I won’t continue to torture my soul by living anymore. I beg you to forgive me, but more importantly, to understand.
Bye mom, dad, B, J. L. All of you were a huge part of my life. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.
Love,
M.
11 comments
Can I ask how you intend you end it, Deleted.from.society, I hope you talk before you try anything, please.
I know it can feel that life’s pointless, depression is difficult and the other problems you have just make you feel there’s no future. You have people around you but even that doesn’t help, it all gets too much to stand. You’ve made a few posts here so it not a sudden thing but you’re still young, too young to be doing this although age isn’t a factor I know. You know how difficult it is to end your life, you don’t want to end up worse off as you’ve stated. You must know that it will affect those around you, is there any other way forward, there must be. Please think carefully, life can feel awful but it can also get better with the right people around you.
I have my blade by my side. And I have a bottle of sleeping pills also.
I could never cut my wrists open, just couldn’t, I look at the veins etc there but no, I know you cut yourself so it may be different for you but you must have doubts about this, you must, think about all the issues first, you’ve gone through them before but it’s time to believe, suicide is the last resort, is it really that you have no other option if people care about you.
Thanks
I know life can be shit, it is for us on SP, it’s why I’m here, I struggle with life and wwith paranoia, with people around me. Can I ask, are you going to cut tonight, or go deeper, I hope you just cut to try and take away the pain you’re feeling and not to kill yourself, are you just going to cut and not to kill yourself?
I’m just going to cut. But not kill myself.
I’m pleased, I was worried when I read your post, I thought that you were gone. You seem like a caring person but I suppose caring means sensitive which leads to so many problems. I wish I could be like so many around me who don’t seem to worry about things but get on with there lives, it’s something I’m aiming for at least to be more confident, I hope you can do the same and succeed. At least you’ll be ok at the moment, just to cut, so many young people cut on this site, it must help, if it keeps you going and not ending it all then, idk, I hope you keep posting.
You are right. The death of a child, intentional or not, definitely hurts any mother or father for the rest of their lives. With suicide, it’s not so much that you intentionally took your own, as it is, that you were in so much emotionally pain, we couldn’t help you. You see, it’s our job to pick you up, brush you off, and bandage your wounds, nurse you back to health and return you to a happy life. It’s incredibly painful to know how miserably we failed.
I appreciate the effort you put into into this decision; the definite weighing of pros and cons. It shows that you truly care about how this could affect yourself and others. In all, it exemplifies your caring spirit.
I can’t say I totally agree with you on the “forgetting you” part. Everyone has a story, hey? Everyone has tragedy, hey? Ask them…ask them to share their greatest story, their greatest tragedy. I will take my chances that they will be able to recall the names of the people involved in those tragedies and stories. They will remember every detail of “that day”. Even the ones who didn’t pass away can be easily brought to mind.
I can say I DO agree with you on the forgetting your name after some number of years. But to be blunt, M, unless you make yourself something special in this life, ALL of our names are forgotten after a number of years! I read today on CNN that some archeologist dug up a femur bone of a Neanderthal from 45,000 years ago…I don’t think anyone knows his name. And I don’t think he cares. You can’t make an impact on the world and make your name memorable when your dead. You get one ride around the sun…only one. And in the grand scheme of life, whether that’s 60,000 years or 7,000 (depending on your belief system) your are but a mist. Here one moment and gone the next. So make a difference in the world you live in now. Make your name be known now.
You should consider NOT living your life the best for everyone else. Remember that “one ride around the sun” thing? Well, it’s kinda like a piggy bank…you get so many days in your bank account…don’t spend them all in one place and all on one or two people or ideas. Have a little bit of “Imma do me!” Take care of the less fortunate, the orphans, the poor, the widowed, et cetera…but beyond them, you do the “imma do me” dance…THEN see what you have left for the rest of people who can take care of themselves.
Music is quite possibly one of the best assets in life. It allows you to checkout of the boundaries of time and space and go into the oblivion that you seek…but without permanent commitment. Synesthetes describe another element that also involves color and shapes floating. It should make for a happy place for someone…I must encourage you not to lock up such crucial tools should another need to escape into temporary oblivion.
While you elude to this being the end…you did reach out to total unknown people. That shows incredible strength and a flicker of hope and desire in your soul that one or more of us will find you worth it….and we do.
Your mom will be forever and permanently heartbroken…I am a mom of two boys….I am also a daughter of parents who committed suicide together. Your dad will be shattered and unable to grasp the pain.
Should you decide to change your focus, I implore you to reach out to help someone else, go to support groups, get a solid therapist…and go hug your parents and tell them before you do something, not after…I bet they would LOVE to help you figure it out.
you are not alone in this journey. Just to let you know you are wanted by someone,somewhere. I just login to comment after almost a year. Do not do it. We need you. You don’t need to kill yourself, it’s others who do. It may not make sense but it is. Don’t do it. (i am making assumption by your user name btw).
Sleeping pills aren’t going to kill you