Why Im Here..

Hi, Im Angeline. Im 15 years old and Im in a relationship. My boyfriend is the same age and we’ve been together about a year and almost a month now. But the reason why Im typing this is because I’ve been depressed since July of this year. Our relationship was amazing in the beginning. He would always call me afterschool and we wpuld be on the phone till we got tired. We hung around each other alot, we held hands, etc. But then around July he started to push me away. I started to feel upset because it seemed like he didnt care about me anymore neither loved me. We constantly had sex..ik im young and all but i just sorta thought/knew that i would be with him for a while so i would give it up some time..but not that early. Anyways, we constantly did it and the last time we did He basically stopped calling me and texting me, he never let me come over anymore and he started lying about going to work. Now before i go on any further, I know most of you on here have much worse situations than me but I feel like if I havent found this site i probably wouldve “offed” myself before the year ends. The past couple of months he has been telling me he has been working when i found out from hisbest friend that he wasnt. I began to think he was cheating.I felt really upset and crappy because ive never been treated like this and this is my first relationship. He always flirts with this new classmate India and i get annoyed and jealous and wanna kill her for being around him. I try to vent to people about how i feel about my relationship and they tell me to talk to him but if i do then i knew it would turn into an argument or he would pretend to care about what im saying.Ive been going through my own depression of a downhill relationship and i didnt know what to do. My father doesnt even answer the phone when i wanna tell him about my issues or talk to him at all, My mother is steuggling to pay rent and for the gas, and she’s been bumped down to part time from her job of where she worked at for more than ten years. For a couple months now dealing with depression and a struggle, I’ve been thinking of ways to kill myself. I would stare at anything and daydream of myself hopping off of the bridge near my house into the river and drowning to death, Taking my brother’s gun and shooting myself, drinking bleach, hanging myself, or cutting myself. Sometimes having someone do it for me… I feel like i have nohing to live for and as a teenager who fell in love with someone who has drifted apart majorly has broken my heart and i dont know how to deal with it. I would sit in my room alone and cry to myself thinking i shouldnt be having thoughts daily about this. Im young, I can find someone else everyone isnt the same, and that someday a mircle could come and my mom can finally pay all the money she owes for the bills and my nightmare will be over. But every single day that I live I see the more I wanna kill myself and not be here because i can no longer make myself happy. But im too indecisive if whether I wanna do it not because Im too scared to see what death is like yet I wanna get away from all this. I think about if I killed myself how broken my family would be. They care for me so much and I would hate to just leave and have them be super upset because I died. But the more i think about suicide theres pros and cons to it. Like, I wont have to worry about dealing woth depression and struggling anymore but then my family and friends AND possibly my boyfriend would be torn. When I started thinking about it again tonight i googled the way suicide. Now, to be honest I wasnt looking for help. I was looking for a list of other ways to kill myself but the National Prevention Line came up and resources for suicide came up and I clicked it to see what was there. Once I read it, I sorta stopped thinking about it. The passages were like a small therapy for me that I needed and Im glad I found it because thats how I got here. Now once I publish this I highly doubt that anyone would read this or comment on this at all. But I would just like to say if you really took the time and read all of this I appreciate you for it. Although you are going through something much more difficult and worse than me Im glad you read how I feel…This isnt all that I wanna write but this is all I feel like venting for right now.