that’s basically why I’m here.
I’ve never really had many friends, even at school there was three girls in my primary class. We all got along okay i suppose but we didn’t have any long lasting friendships. When I came to secondary I made a few friends here and there mostly following my cousin about and tricked myself into ‘thinking’ i was one of her group’s members. Now i have one friend. This isn’t a post about how since i have one friend that i think i ahould commit suicide.. i’m just saying that one girl is the closest friend i have, we talk everyday yet she doesn’t seem to care about me at all. she would porbably drop me in a heartbeat if better people came along.
the truth is i shouldn’t be sad and depressed. i’m a smart person who does well enough in school (i’m failing English ever since September but other then that im doing reasonably well); i have a weekend job where i talk to people and put on a smile; if anyone was asked to describe me they’d probably say i’m happy. but i’m not.. since i was as young as i can remember i have hated the way i look. its not fair how some people are bad looking, have no friends and aren’t happy either while others have countless friends a happy lifestyle and are drop dead gorgeous. So I have hated myself for a long time but I was never really depressed until i was about 14/15. That was a bad year. I couldn’t build up the courage to kill myself but i really wanted to. i would say things to myself like “you’re so ugly” and “nobody likes you” because mostly those things are true. I’m not winning any beauty contests lets put it like that. and if people did like me then they wouldn’t pull away whenever i try to make friendships. I became kind of OCD in the way i would mutter things like this to myself. I also started bruising my left arm in the same spot. I didn’t have the courage to cut myself. I threw that idea off the table because i hate the sight of blood. I would bruise my left arm near my wrist to kind of ‘punish’ myself i suppose for being the way i am. My parents knew i was sad but they didn’t know i wanted to kill myself. I decided if i do kill myself i want to write a letter explaining everything. I don’t want them to be wondering why i died I’d want them to know how sorry i am for killing myself. that year was very hard for me. I made a noose with my scarf once and left it hanging in my wardrobe for a few weeks so i could pluck up the courage to do it.
you may be thinking that i must be heavily depressed now, since im 17 and still have thoughts about suicide but the truth is that I stopped being so depressed. the feeling was there, but through last year when i was 16 i became more sociable as we didn’t have serious exams, i had two more friends bringing my total up to 3. This friendship didn’t last long and to this day I don’t know why. I seriously don’t. It brings me to tears thinking about it because they said they didn’t want to have me as a friend anymore as i was ‘spreading stuff’ about them. firstly i have no one to spread anything to i only had 3 friends. and also i didn’t really know much about them. so they decided i wasn’t worth their friendship and they left me and my one friend together again.
i want to disappear or run away. or even wake up to when i’m older and have a husband or someone who loves me without having to like a family member is obligated to. right now i feel like if i do grow old ill be one of them women everyone talks about who never got married and doesn’t have friends so she lives alone with 200 cats in her house. i don’t want that and if that’s my future I want to disappear now.
i also don’t know if i want to commit suicide because of my family that i’m leaving behind. 4 years ago my dads brother and father died two months apart from eachother. that took its toll on him, he’s much more in touch with his emotions and definitely gets more emotional. my other grandfather has died this year and my family is just over that. I do’nt want my family members grieving my death and hating me for leaving. the problem is i don’t want anyone to hate me. but i hate myself either way. i hate everything about myself and i cant stand it
i’m lost and i need help i want to skip past the sadness i’m fed up of crying in my room and not being normal. I know no one will read this but i posting it anyway
5 comments
When you mentioned you wished you could skip ahead I thought “I wish so too. I wish you could skip to a time where you feel loved and cherished”… because everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally… but also not for that reason… I think there’s a fire in you, smoldering and growing…I think you’ll wake up one morning and feel so glad to see the sun that day…
I have attempted 3 times unsuccessfully and am planning another attempt… yet 2 days ago I woke up and thought “this sunrise is stunning.’ And that day I got a hug from a friend; a hug that i needed so desperately…
I think you’ll wake up and feel the joy in life and love.. Im not saying it will be any time soon, but… looks aren’t important in life. Often the most handsome guys become fat lazy old men, and the most glamorous girls in school become the teen mom’s or girls wishing they were more like you as they grow older.
I see beauty in every crevice of your heart. (Before you say “you don’t know me, how can you say that”) that fire I mentioned before, I mean it. Smoldering inside you is a fire growing and once the flames start licking at the wall you’ve likely put up between you and the world, all of your glory will be blazing brightly for all the world to see. All the world including yourself.
I agree with your post to some extent Maelin but I really caution when anyone says “because everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally”. There’s no such thing as unconditional, sorry but that’s a trap. Every relationship is conditional. It’s on the condition that you won’t kill me, rape me, abuse me, steal from me, mistreat me, deny me my rights etc etc. So yeah, it’s conditional as far as I’m concerned. Remember too that loyalty is often the last bastion of a scoundrel, they rely on your loyalty to stick around or whatever whilst they treat you like a piece of shit. People are cruel, inhumane, they’ll take you down any opportunity they get. But there are some good people around but it’s fucking hard to find them.
I suppose there are those “conditions”. Perhaps I believe too much in the fairytale world I force my mind to see… I love unconditionally though. Even if someone hurts me or betrays I can’t help but love them all the same…
I’ve loved unconditionally too Maelin and it’s got me into so much trouble and so much hurt. I, like you, still love them but they hurt me and my family so me thinks it’s best not to love unconditionally. Sad but true.
I believe in loving unconditionally. Unfortunately, I have also gotten hurt. It’s a dilemma of sorts for me… If I’m going to love someone, I should love them… but there can be some bad consequences. As a result, the road to me using the word “love” is a long one. But I keep the faith.