won’t last 6 months

This is my first post. My life has been full of setbacks and disappointments many by my own bad choices and many by terrible luck. I am possibly the biggest underachiever in the world. That’s why I couldn’t be happier when I met my beautiful wife learned that she wanted to be with me. 7 years later after watching her love turn cold after realizing that she was stuck with a loser she left (10 weeks ago). I am still holding out hope that we can save our marriage but that hope is fading. There are a few reasons to be hopeful but also many reasons that lead to despair. One thing is for sure, if I give up hope I know I don’t have the strength to pick myself up at age 45 and start over and even if I tried it is impossible to find someone who would be interested in me who I wanted to be with. Isn’t that just great, I know I’m a loser and have the balls to be picky. Guess it’s just part of my illness. Even if I did end up with someone who was perfect for me I would have to lie to them and make up a story about how I was over the ex and then wait several years for it to actually be true. I just don’t get over women well. So she is my last best chance at survival. If I ever realize that her and I are never going to try to work on our marriage I wont last a week and only then to carefully plan a slow, painful suicide because I hate myself for being a underachieving piece of crap who can’t earn the love of a good woman no matter how hard I try.