Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt of death. Specifically in the forms of vampires. I was obsessed with the thought of rebirth after death. Of becoming this new, more powerful, and less vulnerable creature simply by dying and leaving your previous life behind. I guess that’s where it started..
I’ve never been able to release this obsession with death. Recently I’ve been making things more dangerous by mixing and overusing medications plus alcohol. I don’t know if I really want to die, or if I just want the rebirth. Rebirth into the life where I’m invincible.
The saddest part of all of this is I don’t know if I can consider these suicide attempts or just attempts to feel something. I don’t want to end. I want to really begin.
Bring me sweet release.
Bring me my reawakening.
Bring me the life I was meant for.
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P.S. What’s the first sign of an overdose?
I dream about complete annihilation of everyone and everything in the world which means I feel aggrieved, I’m revengeful, selfish and want to drag the world down with me.
Your dreams are ok. They mean you don’t want to die but want a different life which is less vulnerable. Because this has escaped you all your life you are now thinking about death as a way of indefeasible.
If I wore a turban, burnt incense sticks learned to play the sitar, I reckon I’d make more money than working. certainly more that witchdoctor Azulu or whatever he’s calling himself these days.
Just be careful, because dying doesn’t guarantee a rebirth. Maybe other rebirths would be your thing, changing your life in extreme ways instead?