I don’t feel like I’m human. I don’t subscribe to whatever it is you feel anymore. It all feels like it’s so far away from myself.
So what am I? I don’t even know. For 10 years I feel like I’ve just been imitating the personalities of other people, and that’s what I was; a shell around a void, just to try fit in, to feel like I belong.
Now all that has failed and crumbled away, just like the people. I feel only indifference or anger towards those I see or think about. Their words circle in my mind like torture constantly.
I think about what I would do if I saw them again, and all my mind sees is violence. What did I do wrong? What have I done to be placed in a body and have a name I’ve never known to be my own?
I want nothing more to do with them; ‘humans’. So I’ve shut myself away. I keep receding; days and nights pass like nothing.
I’m terrified of leaving the house. Whenever I leave, I have panic attacks, so now I’ve given up. My mother has to supervise me with the most basic tasks for fear of me hurting or killing myself.
Overdose, cutting my wrists in the bath, scratching or cutting my skin off. I don’t want to be here. I just want to sleep.
I just feel like I don’t belong here. Life doesn’t belong here. These ‘humans’ don’t belong here. And I’m sick of their persecution, their sickness, their intolerance, their ignorance. I’m better than that.
I have planned and sometimes acted upon harming them. I just don’t want life to exist anymore. I hate it. I don’t even know what there is left now. I don’t even have the energy to face the day.
And all the days that follow that, tomorrow upon tomorrow, and all of the yesterdays fall down… it feels like they’ve all collapsed into one indiscernible mass. Nothing ever mattered.
I just want sleep. In dreams maybe I will feel whole, feel happiness, feel what I’ve missed; that which everyone else has that eludes me constantly.
28 comments
I live in complete irreverence to my own existence. I neither want to live nor do I have the resolve to kill myself. A while ago I did but then I accepted my complete failure. Despite being unable to willfully work towards a future, I have spent my days in a state of decay. I spend my time sleeping, lying in bed or trying to read. The only desire I have, is that former conviction to kill myself, I want to die, I am sure of that but…for some inexplicable reason I can’t seem to feel anything towards myself, not the despair I used to always feel, not that knot in my chest where I felt like I could just die from agony, not joy, no more tears, nothing.
I said earlier that “I accepted my complete failure”, I suppose that was the result of me failing my final year, after nothing but bear minimum grades and realizing that I knew nothing. I had always known I was a failure but I fully experienced it recently. I had planned two months ago to kill myself come Decembers end but now I can’t feel anything at all. I have to reason to stay alive, I have no knowledge about my studies to work and I have no willpower for it. I am treated as the black sheep of my family and I have never made a single friend.
This feeling is worse than being suicidal
It’s limbo. Beyond death. It’s just a big, vast emptiness. Nothing. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand that everyone around me is fine. They don’t see it.
I’m failing to see reasons why anyone does anything, never mind myself. I’ve got all these empty words flying around in my mind and they hurt. I don’t even care.
When you can’t die, but you can’t live, what else is there?
It makes me sick to my stomach; that’s what fuels the anger. These people.
I believe you and I are: misanthropic nihilist’s (Not that I believe in inherent categorization but this is the closest terminology I have found that more or less describes my outlook).
It annoys me at how ignorant other people are to the suffering I have gone through. It is insufferable that I alone should be bereaved of a joyful existence and that every one else lives in ignorant bliss.
The real source of my frustration lies in my inability to do anything about my position. I just don’t care for my own life. If a truck were to swerve onto the sidewalk and I to gaze upon its grill, I am sure I wouldn’t budge an inch.
I know those terms, and yes I agree with you, but I simply do not care any more. I swing between feeling that I am superior, and actively aggressive to people I come into contact with or completely indifferent, and withdraw from them completely. I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but I do not crave attention from ‘them’. Never. Nor do I care about rejection from ‘them’. I would take it with gladness.
I don’t know how else to act any more. I used to be distressed by my actions, where my anger would lead to sorrow, tears, sadness. Now there’s just nothing but anger or panicked avoidance. What the hell is going on with me? I had faith in words and now even that I can feel slipping. I was an artist but I don’t understand it anymore. It just leads to more frustration and subsequent emptiness.
I’m taking venlafaxine, quetiapine and zolpidem in order to sleep and none of it is working. I can just feel everything sliding down. Every second. I just wish for numbness, sleep, nonexistence.
You have written exactly how I feel and view the world, very eloquently I might add. I am also taking Venlafaxine and was recently taken off both Quetiapine and Zolpidem due to some adverse effects that landed me in a psych ward for two weeks. They just increased my Clonazepam dose to help with sleep, which isn’t helping.
I find that the venlafaxine does help with my anxiety. My dose was reduced by 75mg a while back, to introduce the quetiapine, and the effect it had was fairly catastrophic.
I’m beginning to think this is just beyond control. They’ve put me through CBT twice, which on both occasions, I found was a laughably ‘twee’ exercise in ‘managing negative thought’.
How does one manage their thoughts when they don’t even know what those thoughts are? I could have throttled the practitioner.
They’re seeking further help, but it’s pointless. If this is life as it is known, I associate myself with it no longer. I don’t even identify myself as being ‘ill’, but it is their view that is ‘wrong’.
I am not wrong. They are the sick ones.
They are the sick ones indeed! When it comes to medication, doctors will just throw it at you hoping something works. If not, they will adjust it indefinitely until it really doesn’t matter anymore. I believe they try to drag it out as long as possible so they can charge your insurance company. Besides, not very cost effective for you to actually, you know, show progress. Sick Indeed!
There really is just no way out is there? Hahaha. I’m done.
hello their. yeah. we are human. real *****, huh? its not quite what i expected either. anger and violence does not assist us in any way.it is borne out of frustration of these STUPID creatures. anger, greed, and violence is what is destroying their world, even as i write. you get used to it.it takes a whle, ok, maybe not so much, but you can adapt enough to get by. let the humans kill each other, they seem to be doing a real good job at it.
Hahahaha, I couldn’t help but think, in some twisted way; ‘the meek will inherit the Earth’. I don’t control my anger. I’m aware of it, and I’m ashamed of it, but I do not control it.
Anger is the most base of human emotion after all. I have little control over any of my emotions unfortunately. Though generally my spectrum is ‘anger’ and ‘apathetic’.
I guess 10 years of putting up with their lies, betrayal, abuse, hatred, spite, greed and manipulation have finally taken their toll. Why else would I be here?
My mum always said, ‘You’ve always held everything back; one day you’re going to snap’ and, well, how I have! Hooooow prooooud she must be.
Ah the fury. I hate it. I want this world to turn to dust. Stars turn to husks. It’s all pointless and I can’t fucking stand it. Life itself is just absurd. It shouldn’t exist, or nothing should exist to comprehend it.
Saturnalis, it’s easy to be angry when as you say “putting up with their lies, betrayal, abuse, hatred, spite, greed and manipulation have finally taken their toll”. God I know this so well and I get angry too. I get angry on here sometimes but rarely do face to face. Some of us have had a lot of really bad things happen to us and it can be next to impossible sometimes to turn that around…particularly if you have people around you who want to see you fall rather than pick you up. If people treat you like shit then you’re going to get angry and you’re going to have some hate. That’s fucking normal isn’t it?
As an aside, my boyfriend had BPD. God I wish he was still with me, he got rid of me not the other way around. I could have, and would have, loved to have him my life forever but…I’ll leave it at that.
Not a single person I have ever known has not betrayed me. Is that normal? Friends, partners, relatives; I’ve abandoned it all now. I tenuously keep one connection, my mother; in spite of her betrayal, she remains to care and, at the very least, look after me when it is needed. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your partner, for what it matters. My now ex-partner left me because of my BPD. I do not blame him. As I said in another post, patience only affords so much time. Time that he did not have. That does not stop the anger though.
Hey saturnalis…God I know this kind of relentless betrayal. I’m not just saying that I really do know it. Thank you for your sympathy at the loss of my partner…it’s been 2 years and I’m as sad as the day it happened. A lot went on in that relationship, a lot that wasn’t very good, I’m afraid I was a 2nd class citizen in that relationship, I got trashed quite a lot, but I really wanted it to work and did quite a lot for him, but he kept getting rid of me and I didn’t want him to…I’m still heartbroken.
The loss of someone you love can send the mind into turmoil. All of those are just empty memories for me now. One of my prior relationships, were he still alive to try and squirm, to try in vain to defend himself; the atrocities he committed to me would have been offensive… to any common laws. But I don’t even believe in those any more. 3 years of my life that were hell, compressed to a single, empty blip. Nothingness. Stupidly, even in that situation, when I felt love, I tried to stay with him. I think the moment I finally gave up and chose to get rid of him was the moment I lost any true desire to be with anyone. He beat me one last time; I felt nothing. And then he killed himself. How could I trust, when someone who I loved with all my heart was capable of such things?
Hey saturnalis that’s fucked. I’ll never get why people seem to enjoy making someone else’s life a misery. It’s a human rights issue as well as common law. I don’t want to be with anyone either after the last abusive relationship. I won’t even let anyone into my home anymore unless it’s my long term trusted friends or family. Too many really bad things have happened now. I didn’t deserve one single one. The world would be a much better place if respect were to be the driving force for humans NOT abuse or evil acts.
I know it sounds lame but hope things get better somehow for you.
Much love to you saturnalis.
I’m exactly the same. It’s why I react aggressively to other people I don’t know. Sometimes those I do know. Now I just don’t care. I used to feel shame for snapping at people; making plans to hurt people physically and emotionally, sometimes acting on them. I didn’t know what else to do, and I used to be ashamed I stooped to such levels. Everyone, in my mind, has the potential for such destructive, sickening behavior… I used to ask, what the hell have I done to deserve this? What justice can be done must be wrought by my own hands. To be born into a life where everyone seems to hate you for no reason. Now I can’t live, but I don’t want to die. I just want everything else to not exist.
How to fix our lives to happiness is everyone’s question on this website. It’s only us to blame since we are the ones in control and let ourselves become out of control. We know the answers, they are always right in front of us yet we never do them.. of course everyone has different needs.
#1 focus on our mind and body by eating properly and exercise (I eat terribly and never workout)
#2 find a passionate career/job, since we spend 1/3 of the day doing it might as well enjoy and learn all those hours and since we need money this is a must ( I smoked weed, popped xtc thus dropping out of design school into nightmare jobs destroying my life body and mind for over a decade)
#3 love (#1 if you have a partner already)
Were here to find a soulmate to love and experience blissful days and nights together which also reaches family and friends. (I smoked weed causing me to think terribly making bad descions, become shy, and avoid environments in which a soulmate would be.. for instance hanging out with Stoners in a couch instead of putting myself out there.) O ya and my Jon is a nightmare with no females around..
I feel everyone on this site is depressed because they are missing 1 of these 3 components to happiness… I’ve been missing all 3 of them.. all my life.. it sucks letting my family down and becoming the monster of failure..
You sound worse than my god damn CBT practitioner.
A soulmate? You’ve much, much more optimism and faith than I if you believe such a phenomena even exists. I couldn’t care less about men or women. I’m not here to find that.
‘Look at the pretty, peaceful picture of the mountains behind the lake at sunset. What you see in the picture, the peace and calm and tranquility, is what is missing from your life.’
Utter shit. Perfection is nonexistence. Showing the image, having the unattainable goal to begin with, is setting you up for failure.
Ha well guess your fucked then.
Aight, what do you enjoy ? Doing drugs and video games? Everyone has there pleasure no matter if it’s good or bad, what’s yours?
Touché.
I enjoy very little. The physical company of others annoys me, to the point of anger. I was an artist, but now I can’t even bare to think about it. Video games provide momentary relief, as does music.
I write occasionally, however even that is betraying me. The rest is a maelstrom of empty thoughts, sleep and silence.
Well if you don’t do drugs it’s your diet and exercise.
And your telling me, that you don’t like sex? The warmth of a partners body? Shiet.. just haven’t found that right person to enjoy your time with. If 100 of ur past girls friends didn’t work out there is 1 million more to go through.
Of course that’s my problem too and yet I don’t fix it therefore I don’t fix myself.. puts me in a dark place, strangers don’t like that.
I understand man.. were fucked. But.. the world is amazing.. Fuck is it ever wonderful.. hope we find the keys to happiness.. cause the world is also cruel as hell.
Are you kidding me? Well, I’ll ignore your rules of deduction for now anyways… Trust me, if diet and exercise were the roots of my problem, I would have sorted them long ago.
On a side note, I don’t like or dislike sex. It simply is. I have no desire for it. I haven’t felt anything for years in that respect. With ex-partners, random flings, anything. Men or women. That part of me was lost long ago anyway.
I don’t see what’s so amazing about this world. An inconsequential lump with things on it that are, supposedly, ‘living’. Cruel, yes; a cruel joke. We already have the keys. The problem is, there’s no lock to begin with.
Ah, just realized your a woman. Ya I’d say it’s the dieting and exercising.. since your not having sex no endorphins are being released and well that makes you miserable and keeps you depressed. Yup you need a man.
Do you have a career or job??
Firstly, where did you get information regarding my gender? Secondly, what difference would that make? Thirdly, you are ignorant.
No, I do not have a career or job. I haven’t worked in just over a year now. I left my previous job due to the uncontrollable anxiety / panic attacks.
Well there you go, no man and no career, idle hands. Since your not on the streets or having to pay rent makes this an excellent time to get a career on the go. I gaurntee it will help.. get into nursing or something rewarding.. shift all this intelligent negativity into helpful positive action, it will make you happier. Your a smart girl. I dunno your age but that doesn’t matter. You need change..now.
Yes I am ignorant.. I’m not proud of it.. or the mistakes I’ve made.. i was given everything.. health, good looks from a good family, opportunities, and I fucked all that up by doing some drugs that altered my brain and fucked my life up. I need change… in every aspect of my life.
So, what career you gonna look into? :p
I apologize, I didn’t read one of your other msgs. . About your past relationship with your ex. Sorry, I understand now..
life’s a ***** then we die.
So why bother? Why get a career? Why would I want to spend months and months going through sorting out crippling anxiety issues and attending ‘back to work’ courses, all the while hating the whole process, the people, being wary of their every single motive and behavior, to end up in an unfulfilling, redundant, 24/7 job, surrounded by more of the same people… That probably would end up with me fucking killing myself.
The keys? We’ve got the fucking keys my friend. The problem is like I said; there was no lock to begin with.
P.s. I’m a fucking guy.