Outcast

I am a person with social anxiety disorder, and i easily fall into depression, its already confirmed that depression is an illness
and it should be threated and thankfully some people get that treatment they require, but for me, i don’t have friends and people that would help me with that, because i am plain unlucky
i preferred being alone, i barely knew what to say when people talk to me, since my childhood i spend most of my time alone. my parents were always arguing, they
didn’t get along with each other, my father was abusing my mother, and i had to see that, it was traumatic. i only had one true friend he understood me, i understood him, but
he emigrated, another so called friend i knew since childhood betrayed me for his own popularity in school telling every secret he knew about me to everyone, i was never loved in school,
i was mentally and physically abused, why? Because of social anxiety, i felt like everybody was watching me, judging me, if i fail anywhere,
everyone would laugh at me say what failure i am. at that time i manifested signs of severe depression and went suicidal, i attempted to commit
suicide few times but hell it need guts to do that, damn survival instinct, but there was time when i actually did that, i shallowed bunch of pills,
i don’t know what it was, but it didn’t kill me, as of main reason for suicide, school, parents hated me because i didn’t get good grades in junior
school, why i didn’t get good grades, social anxiety, i couldn’t get along with other kids beside that, my teacher hated me, she always said how
she loves every kid in her class, but there was me, i kid who barely could talk, alone fend for himself from other kids, she just didn’t care about me,
she even yelled at me, i don’t remember why she did that, but i could always see contempt in her face when she looked at me, like she was saying that
i am worthless piece of junk. When kids abused other kid in her class she would act right away, say that its wrong and they shouldn’t do that,
but when it was me who was i abused, she didn’t care. when it came to education i was given easiest work in class like 2+2 over and over again while
everyone else was far beyond, why, because when i struggled with something, instead of teaching me how to do that,help me,i was given a work i did before
it was main reason why i didn’t get good grades. when i was going to school it was like going straight to hell where demons would torture me,
drive me crazy, i felt like everyone was superior to me, even kids my own age, i felt like a little man in land of giants, bad angry giants.
Only safe haven for me was my computer, i played games to forget.
When my family got broadband, i felt so many doors open before me, a whole worlds knowledge within my reach, but there was a challenge,
i barely knew how to write Lithuanian, my first language, let alone Russian, my second language, and for some reason my computer was
set on English, a language i knew nothing about,i didn’t knew how to read English, nobody knew, i had to learn myself and i did learn as you can see,
not perfectly yet, but its a lot for a person like me, i learned a lot about outer world, i learned how to read, write and speak in English by myself,
Of course my parents didn’t care about that, and i didn’t care about them, i just wanted them to leave me alone, everyday was, wake up, eat, sit on computer
and go back to sleep spending no time with chat.My parents didn’t like that, they thing i’m obsessed with computers, but truth is computer
is only safe haven i know, he don’t abuse me, he educates me, he makes me forget, he makes me happy, my computer is like family to me, sounds strange i know
, but this is how i fell, even now.
when i came to my teen age i started to avoid going to school, i was still abused by other kids, i had to escape that hell, those people, i would be happy
just by being left alone forever, some people say its crazy, go out with friends like other people, find love, get married and live happy, but i don’t have
friends, i cant get love, i don’t know what love is, i don’t know what love others and be loved feels like, i didn’t get that from parents, i dint get that
from other people, i didn’t learn what love is, one side of me craves love, other side rejects it. as i said i would be happy just by being left alone,
i wouldn’t be loved then, but i wouldn’t be abused by others and that would be happy end for me, but no thats not possible, i skip school to avoid stress
i receive from it, then i get yelled at for skipping school even though i don’t learn anything there i’m complete failure there, i’m being tortured there
they don’t care just go or you be abused at home and lose you computer.This is where suicidal desire kicks in, a third option that will end it all,
an option that if you choose, everyone will leave you alone, forever, happy end.
and theres a damn survival instinct that just wont let you do it, so i had to live. When i was 16 i cached a nasty virus, deadly if untreated,
i spend four days home on fifth day my father send me to hospital, doctor diagnosed me with epidemic virus that was
long gone and say that it possible that i could die, after such news most people feel scared, terrified, i’m i gonna die, but i have so much to do,
of course i was terrified at first, but moment after i felt happy, i started to wonder whats going to happen when i’m going to die, whats on other side
is there better life there or is there complete blackness, both theories were pleasing to me. After a week spending in hospital i was cured, i wasn’t really happy
about it, but i pretended i was. After surviving the virus i was send back to school, back to hell, perfect.
And here i am sitting here thinking about afterlife, how pleasant it was to be there instead of here, where i am just object to laugh at,
an animal who don’t know to love or how it fells like to be loved.