outside the box

i fell back into that place again. that place of darkness, hopelessness, and futility. that place that all of you have worked so hard to get me out of. im not thinking of 2015. im not thinking of this afternoon. im thinking of right now. this second, fighting that damn urge. so here i am again, thinkin of all of you and the things you have taught me, trying to distract my mind, to shut it up so i wont give in and listen to it. why wont it go away? why wont it leave me alone?why does it torture me, shut me down and make me feel like this?if it was in physical form i could fight it better. i was trained to fight the enemy, whaterever that enemy may be. to fight with evrything i have, and die with my face to the enemy. with honor. now im told i will lose my honor if i kill the enemy, because i am the enemy. my honor is all thats left. an archaic value that only a small few remember. one now that i wish i had never learned, and one i will never be rid of. i get so angry, when i see others lie, cheat steal, and crush others beneath their greed and ambition. they get away with it and live the good life, free of any consequences, or blame.admired and respected for their wealth and power. i was lied to. taught from an early age that if i work hard, play by the rules,and do whats right, that i too, would be a success. what bullshit.to be a success in todays world, you have to lie cheat, steal, and fuck the other person over, to be a success. my honor will not allow me to do that. dont worry my friends, those of you whom i have grown to love so much, i wont be able to do it myself. i cant now. but i seek that random moment, that one incident, that dangerous, life threatning event, that will trade my life for somebody elses who so desperetly wants to live. that seems a fair trade to me, and i would be able to go out and keep my honor. i love all of you and hope that 2015 brings you the peace we all seek