Failure + Fraud

I have always been a failure. For most of my life I have been successful at convincing others that I have things together and know where I’m trying to go and what I’m trying to do, but I have never known. Any successes I have had have stemmed purely from luck and circumstance and any situations that I have been deprived of either of these has led to certain failure and a complete inability to function like a human being. And in many of those circumstances where I did get lucky, I was either discovered a fraud or imploded the situation myself out of fear of discovery. This cycle has repeated itself enough that I have finally become exhausted, both unwilling and unable to let it continue any further. I have failed in a way that now ruins any prospects I have of a normal adult life. I am almost 26 years old and still essentially a child. I will never be an adult, largely because of holes I have dug for myself from my own stupidity and lack of any perceivable skills beyond the ability to project a false image of myself. I have essentially ruined any chance I have at living.

I cannot take care of myself. I don’t know how. I was never given those skills nor did I ever have the chance at developing them. I grew up in an insular bubble in the middle of nowhere, essentially sheltered away from any meaningful social interaction beyond individuals whom I have known my entire life and as such not exactly providing me with the ability to navigate unfamiliar social situations. I spent so much time alone due to the isolation of living so far away from anyone that I developed a strong imagination, which has benefitted me in some ways but has also given me the unfortunate ability to lose myself in daydreams rather than acknowledge real consequences of my actions. I see myself ignoring real things for fantasy, almost assuming things will just happen if I keep imagining they will. But they will not, and whatever delusions I keep harboring will only make my situation worse. But I also know they will not stop.

It has gotten to the point where I now realize that I have become a burden on almost everyone around me. My constant failures and constant need of being saved has caused others, who I have pushed away to hide the fact that I am a failure, to constantly have to help me for little in return. I cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep acting as a drain on everyone around me while contributing nothing. I just can’t make others have to deal with fixing my pointless, stupid mistakes. And, at the same time, there is little to no hope of overcoming the fact that I am a complete and utter failure. I am ungrateful, self-centered, delusional, stupid, and a failure. I cannot keep doing this to others.

I have no energy left. I have no sense of momentum or future beyond what I am going to eat for dinner and even that has become a chore. I eat because I need it not because I have the energy to eat and everything has begun tasting like a flavorless mush. I used to get so excited to go run and now it also feels like a chore, a thing I do because I am still alive and not because I enjoy it. I used to enjoy reading books and watching televisions and going out with friends and now each of those things feel like a chore when all I want to do is disappear and not have to live with myself any longer. Social interactions have become impossible as my energy dissipates and deep down I know that I will only end up alone, pushing anyone away to hide my lifelong fraud from anyone who may eventually discover it.
I cannot seek therapy or any kind of medical help, as I cannot pay for it and I refuse to let others continue to pay for me when I am a fucking 25 year old adult who has had multiple chances at not failing and every single time I have done this to myself. There are so many people in the world who have struggled more than I have who have managed it yet I am completely incapable of understanding even the most basic facets of how a person is supposed to live. Everyone around me, everyone I have ever known, has started to become a real adult. I have not grown since the age of 20 and have been treading water because deep down I know I am incapable of further growth. I am a fraud.