7 years ago, prior to my last attempt, I, along with 9 others bared witness to an angel ascend- my angel to be precise had been battling Aids for 15 years, and although in constant pain and discomfort he took me under his wing and like a mama bird- he nurtured me, showed me the care my own mother never could.
His poor, old, tired body could take no more and so we all gathered around him at a time he chose and bid him goodbye- he had such a high tolenrance from the hundreds of medications that had kept him alive that now they hindered his leaving… he looked around at all our faces, the look of pleading in his eyes and plan B had to come into play but as his body naturally fought it I, feeling a wave of selfish angst had to be held down so as to not hinder his wishes… me, of all people… didnt want to let him go. So I understand, I really do. But now, it is me with the pleading look… i am begging, release me, let me go
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I cannot begin to fathom what that must have been like. Ive read alot of your posts on here and always enjoy seeing your comments. You speak from the heart, from the depths of you and I for one truly appreciate that. I am sorry for the pain and suffering you are going through now. You are very strong and I wish you all the best. I do fully understand and agree with the begging to be let go and released. You just gotta promise me that if you figure out how, you gotta let me know.
“…my cup runneth over…” Thank you so much- I have been in dire need of a kind word –
I’ll let you in on a little secret… about a day or 2 before my last attempt, i became completely numb, felt nothing- and the idea or thought that I may cause pain or dissapointment to my loved ones never entered my mind- I was on auto pilot and had 1 mission to carry out at all costs… so if the time comes when you say DONE. , come hell or high water nothing will stand in your way- I imagine it is your internal override to self preservation…
I am on a steady decline in that direction once again, but its ok- I expected it
Im sorry that decline is where you find yourself presently. If its any consolation, I have been on that decline and am finding I am close to numb. No more “what if’s” or any other lingering questions. Just simply the desire to be no more. I am sorry for the pain and heartache you are having to experience. I hope you find some flickering light at the end of that tunnel that puts you on an incline. I’ll be cheering you on from down here. All the best.