Destined For Emptiness

Where to begin.. I suppose I should begin with my introduction to antidepressants. I’ve gone through several different brands and have yet to be impressed. I’ve always felt the need to avoid medication at all costs, as taking meds would be an admission of emotional instability; Once I get on them, I’m officially crazy. But, I began to sink lower than I ever had before in my previous bouts, and I became fearful enough of my own thoughts that I decided medication was my only option. Scary thing, antidepressants.. All those side effects. The dependency….
I’ve been seeing a girl recently. First actual love interest in a very long time. I’d been single for over five years. After some very deep reflection on my previous relationship, I decided that was best. I needed to work on myself. See, I was kind of a piece of shit boyfriend. Jealous, controlling, manipulative, overbearing, insecure.. I drove my ex away. I couldn’t blame her for cheating on me. I loved her, and she loved me, but I was a terrible boyfriend. So, I decided I wouldn’t put anyone through that ever again. Cut to: My current girlfriend. I believed I’d reached the point at which I needed to be to begin dating again.. But I feel those old tendencies creeping up. I get angry when she takes more than an hour to respond to a text. I get jealous when I’m not with her. I distrust her when she drinks. I distrust her pretty much all the time I’m not with her. I get angry when she comments on the attractiveness of other guys (mostly celebrities). She knows none of this, of course, because I promised myself never to subject another person to the horrible person I fear I am by nature. I know this can’t go on.. It’s making me crazy (even more so than I was to begin with) and I can’t deal. I fear I’m destined for loneliness. For solitude.
The other night I forgot my crazy pills at her place and, as she lives over 40 minutes away, have yet to find time to go back and get them. I feel the darkness coming back. The anger.. The unquenchable despondency.. And it’s made my insecurities and jealousy skyrocket. And my anger. I’m desperately trying to shield her from my bullshit, but I can tell she knows something is wrong. I need those pills. I hate that I do, but I do, all the same.
I know this is a fairly massive post, and probably not very interesting, but if you’ve read up to this point and can sympathize with my situation, please feel free to give me some pointers. I don’t know how to deal with this. Is there some mystical off switch hidden in the depths of my psyche than can fix me?