I’m a relatively successful woman–if by successful you mean I have great friends, supportive family, enough money to get by. I may not have a ludicrous career at 32 years old, but I’d like to think I’m okay even if I get jealous over younger, more successful people all the time.
But I hate myself. I go out and have a fun time, I think I look pretty at times, there are also times I think I’m on the top of the world.
I’ve always hated myself for as long as I remember. I remember being 10 years old, thinking that I should be killing myself because I only have mediocre grades. I have a lot of friends but I feel bad that they get to know me, like I’ve been polluting their minds. When I turned 30, I felt bad for everyone who had to put up with me for all these years, like they could have done better. I know I should just kill myself and get this over with. I know that people will miss me–logically, everyone can miss someone if their lives intertwined at some point–but I know my family will get over it within a few weeks so there’s no point in putting it off.
Today, a friend of mine told me a co-worker told him that the co-workers are worried about me because it’s taken me 10 years to finish my dissertation. I felt angry with all of them because I think they shouldn’t be worried about me. I guess it’s all coming to head right now. I have to kill myself and save everyone the time.
I don’t know why I’m this way. I know this isn’t really depression–how can I be depressed when I’m surrounded by positive and caring people? But how can I go on poisoning them? So it all goes into circles.
Now I feel embarrassed…I know how whiny I am and looking through all the posts here, I think my issue isn’t really bad. I’ll just delete it, but for now I guess I needed to vent. First time in doing so, too! I don’t even post anywhere else, even on Facebook or anything. Anyway. I hope I’m doing this right.
2 comments
Depression doesn’t care how surrounded you are by positive and caring people, it just shows up and makes life unbearable. You have just as much a right to look for support here as anyone else.
I know how it feels, though, to look at people younger than you that are ahead of you and to feel that you’re just dragging others down. My first attempt was when I was twelve, so I understand having these thoughts at a young age. If you ever need to talk or anything, I may not have any answers, but I’m here to listen.
By all means vent. Even if you do not feel depressed, there are many reasons why people feel the need to kill themselves. Yours has less to do with sadness and more to do with regret and feeling of never meeting the standards you feel you should meet. You cited grades in your youth, envy of co-workers, things you haven’t taken care of yet, etc. All these things are expectations you had for yourself that you didn’t reach and you seem to feel as if you are inferior to what you imagine you should be – and therefore hate the person you are because she isn’t what you wanted to be.
Fact is, most people never reach as high as they want to. They may always regret things in their life that they didn’t achieve but it doesn’t affect them as deeply as it has affected you. I’m not sure why that is but with the friends, family, and achievements you have made, you have a strong foundation to continue to build on – and maybe at some point can find a way to learn not to hate yourself. I hope so anyway. I wish you the best. Take care.