This is my first post here. I found this website when i was googleing on nebtual substitute. Thats where i am now. I know what i need to aquire, but it seems inpossible. So i look for the next best thing..
I have been down for the last 15y, and i have tried everything there is. It wont get better. Im diagnosed with a “personaltiy dissorder” so that means that no drugs on earth will ever cure me. Well, exept for one, the one that let me sleep forever.
I have 3 children and a girlfriend since 9y. Me, i am 29y.
But i dont feel anything special, u know, nothing will ever get me better. I dont know anything else to do. Before i was slightly optimistic about the future, but now, 15y later, i can clearly say that it wont be any better with me here. I might aswell just end the pain.
Nothing that i ever done has been good. Nothing. I try to be creative (Paiting, music, poetry/scribing etc) and it all just went shit. When ever i do something at work (i have a bluecollar-work) it just get messed up. And everytime i try to order something at mcdonalds och at the store, somethings always get wrong or i pick the wrong que. Always.
im starting to feel that my precense is starting to affect my kids in a negative way. And i dont want my kids to go thru life with my glasses on, not at all! So please, just let me go. I mean it. gah.
and there it goes again, sorry for the long post. And i understand if noone ever will read it. Couse im used to it. its ok.
4 comments
DBT therapy is supposed to be helpful to some with personality disorder…I think I’m right in saying. If you’ve been ‘down’ for 15 years, that sounds more like major depression. Maybe go back to the doc, ask for anti depressants if you haven’t tried them already? It’s not true that there is NO treatment for PD and besides, cases of misdiagnosis are very frequent. Please bear that in mind – docs often get it wrong. Too obvious to moralise about your three kids so I won’t…you sound very stressed out and your responsibilities to them and your gf may be a part of that. Try to think creatively about what you might do for yourself to ease some of this strain.
Well so far i have only tried ACT and KBT. And about all of the drugs there is. they havent worked at all, all im feeling is more low, but still sad. well well..
Yes, i am verry stressed. I need to have a great job with a great paycheck, i need to be the best dad in the universe and i have to have the most lovley and woderful relationship to my gf. And i hate it!! Sometimes i just wanna be for myself and do something on my own. Or just be. Just be for a moment.. wel.. thats not gonna happen. . .
I read it all. I know what you mean about people not reading everything you typed. It happens to me every single day. Like me, you probably notice people not paying attention to everything you say, either. I have “Double Depression”. So basically I always feel like crap, but sometimes I get suicidally depressed.
I currently take Cymbalta 60mg once a day. It helps with the general depression so I can keep putting on foot in front of the other, but it doesn’t cure it all. I have so much self-loathing its amazing I’ve made it as far in life as I have. I’ve utterly fracked my life up on top of everything else (like the bad luck). It seems all that I can really do is frack things up.
I have less and less of a reason to go on. I lose one family member after another as age has claimed them, or things like cancer. Now its only my Grandma, and I. I’m 30yo, have no social skills, and because I’ve spent my life taking care of my family I have no real training, and I’ll probably never have a family of my own.
The point of all this is that I envey somebody like you. I’d do anything to have a family. I hated every job I’ve ever had, but I’d endure it all to have a family. Putting one foot in front of another is all any of us can do though. :-/
Well, dont envy me. Just dont. Just imagine what u are feeling right now, and add a whole “family” to it. A family that have to see you every day, kids that have too see you like this every day. And you cant do anything about it.
I know this isnt a pitty-contest och such, but dont feel envy about me. Its not worth it.