In some ways having Asperger’s has similar types of symptoms to being bipolar! When I get to do something that I really enjoy, I get very manic and my whole world lights up! It’s also known as getting to enjoy my special interests that are associated with having Aspergers Syndrome and my special interests are trains! When I go through the usual blah shit, I just wish that I could die! When I have to do things that I don’t want to do, everything turns to shit! I am feeling extremely manic because I will do some traveling in the next week and I plan to spend this entire weekend riding trains and I hope to eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet after I am done riding trains on Saturday!
For many years, I have been wanting to die from autoerotic asphyxia. In January, it got so intense, I had trouble sleeping and I was able to delay ejaculation for hours! It never got that intense before. The temptation to hang myself was extremely intense! There are times that I can’t wait until I hang myself and die from this because I feel that I will be at peace once that happens! I have given up hope that I will ever be loved and accepted by anyone and at this point, I don’t know if I want to! I would rather be alone than being with someone who I can’t stand and I can’t stand most people! From testing, they determined that I am NOT bipolar. I was diagnosed with major depression and Asperger’s. I never told the doctor about the autoerotic asphyxia part! I don’t trust those people to talk about things like that!
Meanwhile, whenever I travel, my whole world lights up! It’s an intense feeling of escape and freedom from the things that I can’t stand! I like the feeling of freedom! I wonder if I will be in denial that I would even considering ending my life in such a way, when I am in my manic and happy state of mind! I have always thought that I was cured from this when I previously traveled! I will make videos while I am riding trains, which will help when I come back home, but it won’t be enough to put me in the manic state that traveling does! I won’t be traveling until Halloween after this! I can’t wait to see my friend who is as whacked out as I am, but with this aea being so intense, I may not be able to survive the intense temptations to end my life as the thought of it gives me such an intense feeling of peace and calm. Maybe the time for me to take my life while I’m jerking off will end up happening in the near future and maybe there’s a reason that it needs to happen! I’m not interesting in taking my life to hurt the one person who cares about me, but I just desperately want to permanently escape this stupid evil world and I won’t have to be afraid anymore and be taken somewhere I won’t feel so awkward and I will feel that extreme feeling of calm and understanding!
3 comments
I hope so transition32 (responding to your last sentence). I have bipolar myself, so I can relate to the way you describe your manic happiness, and how you feel you’re cured lol. I love to ride trains too! Enjoy.
I hope that you still get this message! I was manic during my trip and I am glad that you enjoy trains! I rode a lot of trains during my trip and I made lots of videos of trains and, while I was riding trains! The late Great George Carlin said, “suicide, who has the time to do that”, as I have been so busy, lately, but getting overwhelmed causes me to feel suicidal! I hope that you see the latest thing that I posted. There are still many times that I feel “cured”, but it’s difficult knowing that I want to do something like this aea at times!
I hope that you still get this message! I was manic during my trip and I am glad that you enjoy trains! I rode a lot of trains during my trip and I made lots of videos of trains and, while I was riding trains! The late Great George Carlin said, “suicide, who has the time to do that”, as I have been so busy, lately, but getting overwhelmed causes me to feel suicidal! I hope that you see the latest thing that I posted. There are still many times that I feel “cured”, but it’s difficult knowing that I want to do something like this aea at times!