I am 26 years old, and I’m married to the woman of my dreams, my high school sweetheart.
We’ve been married almost 3 years now, we have two kids ages one, and seven.. I have had a series of experiences in my life that I suppose have slowly eaten away at my innocence and I’ve managed to lose grasp on the good within me.
I use to be a very happy individual.. I was rarely ever in a bad mood or sad, and of those rare times my negative mood was usually influenced by an external source, someone unhappy with my choices or actions, or what have you, but the point is for the majority of my lifetime, I enjoyed everything about it, but despite my happiness, I’ve always had a horrible temper. If someone did manage to change my mood, I went all out. If I was sad I’d be so sad I could barely move, or I’d throw up, and and be rendered horribly crippled by my mental anguish, or I’d rage like the Hulk and “smash.”
I really don’t care to delve into the details, because no matter how you slice it, the end result is that I am a horrible person. I don’t deserve to live, and I don’t want to.
I threatened my beautiful Wife that I would end her life almost a year ago during an argument, and when I couldn’t contain my rage any more beyond words, I got physical with her. I completely destroyed my life. I hurt her, I threatened her, and I changed her love for me, and I became a monster that I’d always swore not to be. I know I’m a piece of shit, which is why I’m here.
I went to jail for some time and ever since I got out I’ve been going through domestic violence courses and anger management, and wow-
it really has helped me. I really learned to control my thoughts and feelings, and also to let petty things roll off my shoulders. I poured my soul into changing my ways, because, and I swear this, I never ever ever wanted to become the man I am today.
My Wife and I stayed together through everything, we currently live together, and we manage to have good times together… But the thing is, my Wife treats me completely different than through the years before, and I don’t blame her. I love her though, I adore her, I cherish her, and I believe that I’ve learned the skills I need to be worthy of her presence… But even though she’s civil, and will tell me that she loves me… She wants me gone. She wants me out of her life.. And she has every right to want that.. But she hasn’t forced it upon me.
A lot of the time we still act like friends and really do enjoy each other’s company.. Atleast I know I enjoy hers… But I have lost my motivation in life. Typing this out is in itself a horrible difficulty as I just feel like I don’t even have the motivation to breathe anymore, but it happens anyway. So… Getting to the point, I really just want to exit. I want to go and never come back but I think about my children and I just cannot bring myself to end my life.
I hate what I’ve turned my life into, I hate the damage I’ve caused my Wife and I just want her to be happy.
I absolutely despise the very ground I walk on, I deserve to fucking die for my actions. I just struggle to reach my final solution of suicide.
I am tormented every day by my thoughts and my depression. I cannot even stand to look in the mirror. I am ashamed that I was ever born, and I wish I could have never met my Wife so I’d never have had these feelings and I never damaged her. I struggle to do anything, I feel like a zombie. I have to really push myself mentally just to do the basics of everyday life and I am just so exhausted… I truly just want to die, but everytime I prepare myself to go through with it, I am overwhelmed by feelings of hope for a better marriage if I just keep trying, or haunted by the thoughts of missing the future of my children, and not being there to support them.
I hate my life, I hate me… I wish I could hit a reset button and just go back and make good choices… But, as we all know, I can’t.
If only someone would just shoot me in the fucking head..
Anyway, bash me for being such a worthless excuse for a man.
Hate me.
Or say whatever you want… I don’t care. I’m on the fence and I just hope that someone has words for me that will push me off one end or the other. Live or Die, I just need help going in either direction…
Aside from that, I wish all of you well and I hope the best for you.
3 comments
28th here. But quite similar, ï once self diagnosted myself with bi polar. And the chances that I am right is quite high, since my father was treated for this for several years in my childhood. I might have it for real or just the attitude. I tend to think in extremes.
in my case I had the right to be angry at my cheating… Whatever… she fears me as well… Not that I hurtred her, I hurt myself and this she fears. That I might one day hurt her instead… She sometimes asked me to do this, so i am not sure how much she really fears me.
Maybe try to be direct with her… Tell her what you feel and that you worry about losing her, talk with her how to fix it (ask if she has an idea how). Try to provoke a reaction from her that might be painful.. ask if she sees the good of you in the children that the two of you have. But also ask about the bad, maybe your children do not need therapy but you can make prepare yourself and then to educate them in better understanding their own biology.
I hope you can in time move past the shame and guilt you feel ymir. Probably doing everything you can to prove yourself and be a good person (like, I dunno, volunteering) might help. The person who most needs to forgive you is you. You aren’t a monster, you are human and you made mistakes. You did your jail time, no need to keep punishing yourself.
There were times I became fairly unhinged-fortunately I didn’t do anything that I later would come to regret. Like you I’ve always been a good person but external events can change you or break you, no matter how strong someone thinks they are. This is especially true if you’ve been a victim-then inevitably feeling sorry for yourself, you begin to attack others for injustices real or imagined.
My greatest enemy was my insecurity-took me a long time to overcome and still I find I occasionally struggle with it. If don’t like yourself-don’t feel worthy, then how can one expect anyone else to like you? Unfortunately this kept me from living life more fully and taking advantage of great opportunities.
Anyhow in your case-it’d probably best to leave your wife-neither of you are the same people anymore and if you’ve been violent towards her, she can never trust you again. You don’t have to end your life to make up for your past-but you can do ‘the right thing’ now to make amends, whatever that thing is.
Also living with someone-anyone, can lead to difficulties esp if you’re dependent on each other for survival. At times you could end up hating that person with a passion because they make bad choices.
As alluded to, I have my own anger issues-which I’ve more or less have under control. Actually I’m much more potent when I stay calm, then when I lose my temper-so I’ve tried to keep my cool, I win arguments better that way. Good luck in whatever you do.