Who am I?

My life has been layed out for me since I got out of middle school. “Take these classes” “Join this” “volunteer there” and I never had a say in anything. Recently I just got a tattoo. I am now a high school graduate. My mom found out and all hell broke loose. Of course being the person that I am I just sat there took all the beatings, and verbal abuse because in her mind I ruined myself. She told me to stop hanging out with everyone I’m friends with, don’t contact them anymore, and she took away my chance to go to Virginia for dance. I haven’t been so sad, depressed, devastated, and all those words that lie along the meaning of lifeless.

It’s been almost a week since that day and I see all these posts about enjoying summer, and hanging out with friends or getting ready to leave for vacation. And I can’t even leave my house anymore without being full on checked from my room to my phone to all my social media posts. I feel like my life is just a big doll house where I can’t control anything anymore. Even the way I dress is being changed. My life is worth nothing now. I am nothing.

The question I ask myself every morning is who am I? And the sad fact of it all is that I don’t know who I am. I never knew. I never found myself to explore and go out and do things that I actually like because I was so limited. All my friends tell me I’m a house child and they’re not wrong. Most of the time I find myself inside my house being verbally abused once again. All that anyone in my family says, “why aren’t you skinny” “why are you stupid” “why are you a disappointment” “I wish I could just die then to see you here disappoint me” that’s all I ever here now.

A couple months ago, actually a week before my birthday, I flipped my car. I was driving to schoo one morning and I swerved off the road and ran right into a tree. I came out with no scars or bruising, just a bump in the head and a sprained neck. But looking back, I wish I died. I wish that I never woke up. I wish that something could’ve just crushed me. I don’t have the strength to kill myself, but everyday when I drive I find myself going 40mph over and wondering if I could just swerve off again.

None of my friends want to talk to me anymore. I bet they don’t even care. I think it’s cause they’ve heard it all before and they’re just annoyed about it. I get it. I’m a bother, and just stupid and redundant. I guess my family was right though I am a burden to everyone’s lives. Maybe today is the day. I don’t want to live this world with knowing I’m just a walking mistake.