who I am
I hate it here. I want to leave, but I can’t. I have no where else to go.
They talk in front of me like I’m not there, he yells at me like he doesn’t know who I am, they treat me like I’m nothing. Maybe I’m not, but I’m trying to be something.
I cant see the letters through the tears.
Fuck, I sound so helpless and pathetic. Its sickening.
I just need to leave.
Im sorry I’m here, I’m sorry I’m yours, I’m sorry for my birth, god I’m so sorry.
I just need time to stop. I need more time, or maybe less. Theres too much i cant breathe anymore.
Even my words are worthless.
I fucking hate Kat.
And him too.
It’s just too much and I just feel sorry for myself and I want it all to end. I want to see the sun shine again. It’s been so long since I sincerely smiled. It’s been way too damn long since I felt things I could understand, since I was genuinely happy. I don’t want to be who I am. I want these thoughts to stop. They’re just too loud. I miss the times when I was actually confident and didn’t hate myself so much, the times I wasn’t so body conscious, the times I didn’t criticize every single thing I do, the times I wasn’t such a fucking idiot. I want to go way back in time before the scars and ugly cuts. I want to rewind everything, before the anxiety I wish I felt as empty and emotionless as I do now…then maybe I wouldn’t have the anxiety. The thoughts started again and I want to mute them but I’m so damn weak and they’re too damn loud, I might just try to end it again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just disappointing everyone…probably piss everyone off too…
I’m screaming for help, I’m making it so obvious that I’m not OK and they said that they would understand me but they’re such liars…” It’s just a phase”, ”stop being so angsty”. ”You need to stop being so depressing”. I don’t know when I’m gonna end it but I can’t see anything past this year. You won’t have to deal with my crap anymore. You can spend more time and money on someone who actually deserves it. I’ve just wanted this for so long…but I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself…
Because my disposition is so heavily suited for very unsavory tasks such as merciless combat and deceit, this makes me ill-equipped for more mundane things like small talk, forming relationships, and creating effective art. However, this statement is a contradiction, as my disposition also makes it possible for me to exhibit fairly uncommon forms of altruism and to stress understanding and communication which are key elements in promoting harmony.
And yet, neither statement is true, because one’s memories (more importantly, the condition of their brain) define the persona that is constantly undergoing development. In this sense, who I am now is merely a result of odds. But such statements imply that my personality reflects an immaterial soul that I do not possess.
By virtue of possessing such a contradictory set of principles, I’ve become the victim to two frequent phenomena: 1) consistent dishonesty and 2) an inability to be taken seriously. As a result, the likelihood of my social selectiveness has been reduced dramatically. This in turn, has rendered me a failed variation, which mandates my eventual death.
I don’t know how to live with this. With myself. I’m full of hatred & negativity. I feel so alone, & lost. I am a terrible person, but I don’t have it within me to be better. I can change my actions, but my underlying view of life remains the same. The problem is fundamental to who I am. No matter how many new starts I make, I will eventually drag myself down.
I have cut myself off from all humanity. I am completely alone. There is no meaning to anything I do. I go through the motions, clinging to the vestiges of life. But it’s artificial, and completely hollow. My dreams are based in my own twisted view of the world, and cannot be fulfilled.
Why can’t I let go? Fear? Guilt at the pain it would cause? Maybe I just love making myself miserable? Maybe I believe on some level that my life is really fantastic, despite how my mind constantly torments itself. Maybe my survival instinct overrides everything? I just want to not feel this, or be this, anymore. I want to sleep. I want it to stop.
My life is a complete failure. I have failed by every standard I or anyone else can devise. I have failed as a human being.
And that hurts. Any contact with other people inevitably opens me up to comparison, and I always fall short. Knowing that the best I can hope for from anyone is pity. And I stress myself out a huge amount, trying to figure out ways I can somehow measure up.
But the truth is, there is no way, and there never was. I was always several steps behind, with a disposition to turn my inadequacies into neurotic obsessions, and hamper myself further. And now it’s done. There’s no way to catch up to normalcy from where I am.
So I’m going to try and let go, of the idea of a ‘normal’ life. Of being loved, having real friends, being part of a community. Of being accepted as I am, by anyone.
Instead, I’m going to try and face the reality of who and what I really am. Cruel, callous, selfish, cynical, cowardly, deceitful, vain, lazy, pathetic, repulsive, worthless. But also sometimes sensitive, kind, thoughtful, idealistic, self-aware & compassionate. I’ll never be good enough for anyone else. But I won’t be completely evil and dastardly either. I’ll just be my own brand of trivial, casual wickedness, mixed with the odd bit of altruism when I feel like it.
Because that’s who I am. I am a failure. I am a loser. I’m really not a good person. I’ll never be good enough to be part of society, or acceptable to others. But I’m still here, right now, alive, breathing. And that’s still precious to me, even if I’m completely alone.
By any standards I’ve failed at ‘the game of life’. So I’m done trying to play that game. I’m awful at it. Time to start making some new rules.
Hello. I didn’t post yesterday. I just forgot was all. Nothing to worry about just in case a few of you were. Today my school had the annual senior presentations. At my school there is a heavy focus on engineering, and every year, starting since I was a freshman, the seniors show the school and a couple of local engineers who act as judges what they worked on. I used to be so excited for the event, since I want to be an engineer, but lately I didn’t really care. Then there was the keynote speaker. He was some German dude who has been working in marketing his whole life. At first I wasn’t interested in what he was saying until I got around to hearing some of what he said. He said there are two types of people in the world. The tinkerers who spend their whole life thinking of ways to solve problems and not really doing anything about it and the “blinkers” (I think that’s what he said. His accent was very heavy.) who spend their life just doing what they are told completely contempt with their life. He said neither was bad, but the only really successful person was a person who was a little of both. To really solve problems you have to be willing to work but still have some creativity. He said the only way a person could really be happy is to figure out who they are and where they fit in. It’s okay to be one or the other, but to figure it out is really what happiness is. I suppose this is true, since I always wonder and don’t really know who or what I am and where I fit and I’m definitely not happy. But what if someone isn’t happy with who they are? What if I don’t want to be one or the other? I’ve been thinking for a while. And what I think that whatever I am, I’m not happy with. When will I finally accept who I am? Well thanks for listening. See you tomorrow. PS I read the comments on the entertainment post just if you are wondering. I think it’s pretty cool that some of you do are and other stuff.
from 2009 of a brief stay inside the mental clinic. For 6 days I wrote terribly cringeworthy entries on a flipbook… and drew even more cringeworthy pictures. Gave me a good laugh. Yet one sentance stood out to me:
[…]I am important to People, and they like me for who I am and what I do[…]
What happened in 7 years since then? Today I am convinced of the opposite. Infact have attempted suicide multiple times because of issues of worthlessness etc. I wrote further […] “I learned my lesson, I will never attempt suicide again” […]
Yet I remember another attempt on suicide just a few weeks after.
When I read those lines I can see what a happy person I was despite my issues. That I treated that attempt as a small forgetable issue then an illness that is slowly consuming me. Today… well I am “just another Cutty McSobsalot” trying to get by.
Well that 19 year old didn’t know what would come to them in the years to follow. Friends lying to you up to a point they drove you to another attempted suicide – Parents not accepting of who you are on the inside and more setbacks. But such is life
I wondered if I became a better person? And… yes I did. Back then it was this weird transitioning time from the “schoolyard”-like mindset, tons of prejudices and slight narcacism.
in 7 years I met so many People, made so many friends and have read and listened to even more expieriences, my own included, that it made me a more knowledgeable, attentive and caring Person that happens to be waist deep in depression and low self esteem.
Yes, I still want to die. But not because the world hated me, as I thought so many years back. Today… it’s just the saturated loneliness and emotional pain seeping through my body. The insecurity causing anxieties and paranoia.
I wish I could visit my friends as a ghost… or whatever. IF I happen to finally kick the bucket by my own hand. In the meantime… well just wanna have a little fun.
Oh, and the diary is going to burn… as much as I want to keept it. I feel I need closure from that 19 year old.
Thanks for reading
This game called life is not a game I want to beat. 1,2,3 lives you’re out. The only enemie is yourself. The hate I have the struggle i feel. Death is the best option. Fuck the future, fuck the present. Fuck tomorrow I want to die tonight. Always feel like nothing and no one. No love no respect. I am who I am but why? I’ve heard it all my days are up.
1,2,3 it’s game over…
This is just a repeat of my usual tedious bullshit.
I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. The best I can do is to fake it (some of the time.) It stops me from ever really enjoying the moment. No matter where I go or what I do, I’m always dragging around this barrier in my mind, distancing me from everything.
So my life, in itself, is not worth living. I can’t be one of the happy, successful, functional people. No fun social life, no real friends, no partner, no kids, no fulfilling career etc. None of the significant moments that make up a meaningful life. I’m just here. Existing. Treading water. Stuck on the outside, watching, as everyone else gets on with building a life. Which feels unbearable.
If that’s how it is, then I suppose it makes sense to kill myself. All I’m doing by living is causing myself pain. I am something that it would be better did not exist.
Except that I’m fairly sure doing that would devastate my parents and my sister. I believe their lives are worthwhile. They don’t deserve that. And I don’t want to do it to them. I love them, in as much as I’m capable of caring about anyone but myself. Which would mean I need to protect them from how broken I really am, and try and maintain some sort of pretense of humanity for them.
I don’t know which is more significant: that who I am shouldn’t exist in principle, or that it should continue to exist for the sake of others, whose lives are worthwhile.
I’m also not sure how to go about such a pretense. How to contain all the self-hatred, anger, rage, regret, longing, sadness, loneliness, despair etc. I don’t know how you go about living with something like that. Other than various addictions, which become less and less effective over time.
How do you deal with being the sad, miserable loser who can’t be around people without them feeling awkward. I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be this guy.
But I don’t know how to give the pretense of normalcy, while my mind is so full of shit.
I called this I Dye My Hair! Because when I was 13 yrs old I started cutting myself aka self harm. I have plenty scars on my body. And I know they will be there forever. So I learned to love each scar and shows me who I am and where I came from. I will always have memories part of me. I’ve. Stopped cutting about like September 2015 so I was just turning 17 and I haven’t really done it since then. But allot I think about it. So I have a technique I used on myself. I started dying my hair a whole bunch of colors and puffing up and cutting it and it used to look like cotton candy if any of you know the YouTuber Veeoneye. So I used dying my hair and making it crazy a skill and sidetrack of cutting. It works sometimes and it fun. Find what helps you sidetrack your cutting less ~Stay Strong~ Love the Mad Hatter??
I knew this would happen. The whole week I’ve been too busy, my mind too preoccupied with school work to dwell on the pain. Now, it’s the weekend and I have all the time in the world to feel the pain. I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I hate this feeling. I thought I was starting to get over it, but I’m far from being cured from this. This is who I am. An empty shell. An empty void. I’m just empty. Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. There is no need for pretense when I’m alone. There is no need to put on a mask. My happy person mask. There’s no need for it. This is who I am. This is what I am. Nothing can ever change the fact that I will always be nothing. I will always feel nothing. I will always feel empty.
10 days of not cutting. 10 days. Today will be the day I end this beautiful long thread of not making myself bleed. I cannot take the pain anymore. I need to bleed. I need the release.
Tonight is the night.
In July of 2015 I attempted suicide. I tried to overdose on a full prescription of Xanax. I was prescribed quite a bit. What happened between when I took the bottle, and when I woke up over 24 hours later in the ER is a blur to me. I would hardly call myself a “suicide survivor” because all I can think about is dying. I have always been depressed, mostly due to my severe, crippling anxiety. I can hardly function and that is no stretch of the truth. My desires in life I can never achieve. I become paralyzed when I interact with anyone who I am not totally comfortable with. I can hardly speak to my own family without saying inappropriate things I don’t mean or having my body become paralyzed. It is hard for people to relate to me, and when they do I tend to fuck it all up. I just want to put an end to all my misery but I am pregnant. My family doesn’t know and my boyfriend is excited to be a dad, but shows little affection to me anymore. I wish I could die. I don’t know if I am fit to be a mother and giving my child away or killing it is not right either. I wish I was the one who had never been born.
I’ve posted these songs before on this site under a different name, but I’m going to try to stick to this username, so I thought I’d post them under my real name. Here’s a link to some instrumental/spoken word songs I created and recorded. Nothing special. Just trying to give you all an idea of who I am beyond my depression and all. Also, that’s my real name and face, so use that information kindly, would you? I don’t want the things I say or share to go beyond this site if you don’t mind.
I keep trying to fill that void inside
it feel like life is just passing by
looking in the mirror iv totally lost who I am the cuts relieve the pressure
can you save me from my self
Why do I find my morality, my principels to be so important. Is it because it is who I am, my very essence or protecting my pride from becoming like those who disgust me. Why do I care about others if I believe everything has no purpose, that our constant struggle is meaningless? I guess one could say that reality is based off one’s perception making any belief a truth. Although the world is non-existent to me those around me seem to see it. Maybe I’ve been sitting in the dark too long, maybe if I left my eyes open long enough I could see the sun. But I won’t, the light hurts my eyes and I will keep them shut. I will not feel the pain you so desperately wan’t me to see. Even if the warmth you feel is as charming as I imagine it, I will sit in my shadows and wait. And wait until I am completely nothing as is my meaning of life, my truth.
Is there a point of living life when nothing interests/satisfies you? I don’t think so. 24/7 bored, I blame who I am
So it has been a while since I last made a post on this site. Some of you may know that I was in a severely fucked up state. I came very close to trying to kill myself again but being on the edge of the abyss allowed me to do something I wouldn’t of been able to do: Lie with all I had.
Some of you may be confused by my last statement, let me try elaborate. I had completed my degree in IT, majoring in Software Development, over a year ago but in my final year of uni I suffered a mental breakdown and barely completed it. I was unable to find work due to crippling depression. For nearly the whole of 2015 I stayed in my room in a near comatose like state, ruminating on how to carry out my demise.
In September I decided to take an online programming course to give me the mental boost needed to get a job but that did not work and I almost gave up at the end of that month. So at the edge of my abyss I decided to say fuck everything since my honest hard work had done jack shit of my life. It was this final step that led me, for the first time in my life, to give zero fucks about what people think.
I found a software development job and made a complete bullshit CV that said I could do everything they wanted and more. It was tailor made nonsense but it was the best piece of written work I have ever done. I drove to their business to give my CV to the PR lady (I did not make an appointment or apply online since past experience has taught me that those methods don’t work), she was rather taken back by my brazen attitude but my dedication to my lie was absolute and combined with my smart attire I was the splitting image of confidence.
I got a telephonic interview the next day. I had prepared a word document with tons of programming terminology to answer any of their technical questions and I had briefly studied up on the development engine and libraries they were using (I didn’t have much time since this was all done within 2 days of discovering the interview). They asked me a bunch of technical questions and with the help of my word.docx, I was able to answer them all quite well and even give a very good explanation on a program I had ‘made’ (found one on github). They seemed impressed and invited me for a physical interview at their office.
I spent the time between the interview practicing & learning what I stated I could do on my CV. No surprise they made me write a few methods and tasked me with explaining what particular lines of code do. I fucking nailed it all 100%!
I got the job and am starting it soon. I have already signed the contract and I am getting a very nice starting salary. I lied my way to the job and some where along the way the lie became the truth, their is still a lot I don’t know but I’ll try my best to learn on the job and give it my all!
Getting this job is beyond anything I could of dreamed of last year, my depression has given way to excitement (I still feel it poking through occasionally but I desperately try fight it back down, instead of embracing it like I used to do). I don’t know if I’m morally correct in my actions but I don’t give a damn, I lied to get the job and am working my ass of to turn all those lies into truth.
Thank you to the people who gave me advice in my previous posts they really meant a lot to me. I don’t know how all this will play out but I’ll write another post after the first month of my employment.
P.S. I didn’t want to mention any super specifics on the extremely off chance someone figures out who I am.
I never want to leave my house but I can’t stand being here. I am a living contradiction. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m constantly dreaming that I get some lucky break and will be able to live my life one way or another but I’m not delusional, I obviously know that can’t and won’t happen. I know it’s my fault and I should’ve just done what needed to be done, but I don’t want to live in the first place the only reason I’m alive is so I don’t hurt my family. But now I’m just a disaster to them. I hate myself so much, it’s so painful to look in the mirror. Being in this body is like like living in a corpse, why couldn’t I have been born acceptable. I feel numb but I know I’m in so much pain, I can feel it leaking out of my subconscious- I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like an emotionless urge to die. If I have another breakdown I don’t think I’ll be able to recover or even breathe.