From how my friends and family treat my sisters is a lot different from how I’m treated. I alway tell my parents I see how excited and more outgoing my friends are around them, and when they approach me they seem bored and more reluctant to talk to someone else.
My parents seem to think I’m just imagining things. They tell me I’m just taking their actions differently, and that they still love me. But I can’t see it. Every time I invite a friend over they smile and greet me, and before long they ditch me for them.
I’m not angry, nor do I blame my sisters for any of my friends actions. I blame them (my so called “friends”). They chose to leave me. I honestly would be happy for me, my friends and sisters to hang out together but whenever I try to get into a conversation they ignore me or give me this look of disgust. I feel like a third wheel.
I always feel as though I’m speaking another language around them because they never understand me.
I have a bad speech impediment so it’s hard for me to speak correctly. When that does happen I end up stuttering and through my own fear forget what I was about to say fearing I’d say something wrong or something stupid.
I’ve made so many bad choices over the past 18 years of my life on earth..It feels like my bad choices keep repeating themselves within this time period over and over again everyday. If I could have just one wish it would be to forget all my memories and start a new. I want to be a different person with a different identity but, I would just want to keep one characteristic that I think makes myself me, and that would be caring. Because even though i feel my friends treat me like crap and leave me in the dirt, deep down inside I still care for them. Every single one, from the ones who left me, to the ones who never talk to me anymore and also to the ones who are here for me today.
I hope in the future my actions as well as my relationships with others improve, I don’t want to be sad and angry anymore. I just want to be loved and accepted by others.
I’m still waiting for my prayers to be answered. I feel like my days are running short. But now all I have to do is wait. Wait and see how my life plays out in front of me, to see if I can change my mistakes into nothing more than bad dreams.
Thanks to all who read this far. I hope you all are having a great day.
~Amanda
1 comment
People are really weird and can be mean, shallow and impatient sometimes, but one day you might find a few people who would act like real friends and stick around and they’ll be really worth keeping.
I know how annoying it is beating yourself up about mistakes you made in the past, but you should try and learn from them, use them as a lesson and try and do better next times.
You would keep caring even if you could change?
You still care for them even after what they do? That’s pretty impressive and brave of you to say.
Caring would be the first thing i would try and lose, if i could change myself.
Caring too much gets me in a mess most of the times.
I am sure you will improve, and i am sure that one day you’ll find people who will manage to get along with you and stick around with you.
You will be loved and accepted when you meet the right people in the future.