Struggle street

I haven’t been on this site for a few years. I was on it then because I was really suicidal, I worked through it that time and now it’s back with a vengeance. The last two years have been the worst two years. I’ve been waiting for it to get better but it doesn’t seem to be. My story’s about loss I guess. I’m a real survivor, I ve lived through sexual assault, violence, drug addiction. I’ve come out the other side on a couple of ocassions. I had 7 years off drugs and alcohol & 3 years but I’ve had these relapses and they’ve been big ones. I’m addicted to opiates codeine has been the issue the last five years. Before that It was heroin. I’ve managed to get off drugs many times and for long periods, but the last five years have been horrific. I gave up my whole life two years ago to get off drugs. I stopped working moved into the city again to get support and I’ve been in and out of rehabs with only one success I had five months off everything. Then I lapsed
I’ have lost my dog, my belongings in a flood, my home at the time, a baby cause of a misscarraige, my kidneys went into failure at one time which are now ok. I’ve also been in an abusive relationship that caused so much emotional pain. I meet him at
a 12 step meeting and I was very vulnerable and he had years off drugs. He pretty much took me into his home and controlled my every move, he assaulted me, took my wallet , keys and told me it was for my own good while I was held hostage in his place. I could have run out but I believed him. He would cross every boundary I had, abuse me , rage, drive dangerously and I would cry and shake to be let out of the car and he wouldn’t. I had no where to go except into the hands of this man. He also would sexually take advantage of me while I was out of it. He would constantly grope me even when I said I didn’t like it. I have suffered so much and I’ve been left with the pain of loss from addiction to having no self esteem left as a result of staying in abuse. I’m completely traumatised, I really don’t want to live cause things just haven’t got any better. I don’t see the point any more. There seems like no end to the pain, and I know how to kill myself with heroin it would be easy for me. I just wonder if things will get better cause I can’t see it. I have prayed and prayed but it’s like I’ve been through too much now. My question to any one out there is would you be messed up after all this. I mean, am I being a victim or is this actually hard stuff ? Also when I was younger I went through assaults for months so that’s what started my addiction originally and because of that I’ve attracted bad reltionships which I’m
single now. I’m just too scared to enter another one. Can any one relate to this ? Thanks