I am fourteen years old. My father abondoned me as a child. I think of that a lot. why wasnt i enough for him. Why did he have to leave me? Also when i was a child i was raped. My family doesnt know and only one of my friends does. I deal with constant flashbacks. I see and hear things that arent there. i hear voices telling me to do things i dont want to do, to hurt others and myself. i see scary things and stupid things from monsters to birds. I am secretly gay and live in a catholic family in the south. a few friends know my secret. My family makes it a point to always insult me, to make me feel like nothing and bring any self confidence i have to oblivion. I deal with moods from highs where i act loopy and unusual to lows where i feel nothing but tirednes, tiredness and the need to die. Its hard for me to talk to new people or even order food. I also deal with moments of so much fear my entire body freezes. Or i deal with moments of fear i shake and dry heave. I cant hang on much longer i want to die. Ive dealt with this my entire life. Nobody could love me, i cannot love myself. I doubt i even know how to love. Whats the point of life witout any form of love. When everything you think you love and loves you leaves. I want to die. its the only way i can escape.
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Well we pretty much share the same story except I’m 25 yo and I’ve been in this road 10 years more than you. I finished high school, went to college and now I have a job that I hate. I can’t tell you that something have changed but somehow I’m the same guy I was at 14 but I have a different soul. Now I understand myself and I know that it isn’t my fault I’m gay. It’s not my fault my father let me play with his manhood when I was 5. I don’t see myself as victim but what I am now it’s just the natural course of the events that took place when i was a kid and nobody has the right to judge me. Not even God. When I was 8 my father left us and I was raised by my mom. I never talked to him since then. And I really think there are others like me and you out there. I am secretly gay too. People have doubts about it and they always try to put me in akward situations so they can humiliate me. I wish they could just leave alone. There’re days I can’t stand breathing, like the whole last week, and others like today when I enjoy moments of piece. I don’t know how my future is going to be but I know I’m always going to be like that, alone and unhappy, but maybe that is the way I was meant to be. I have some addictions (not drugs) that helped get trough but at the same time they put me even more down. So just remenber it’s not your fault you were abused and it’s not your fault you’ve become gay (i really think some people don’t born gay they have their sexuality shaped by the enviroment). People are just mean and they are the one who are wrong for judging us. I wish you the best.