Epiphany!
I was rambling on in the comments of Tristeza’s post when I finally hit bottom and realized why I’m so unhappy and want to die. The gist of what I was saying is that life is nothing more than a dream and that when we die, our minds are erased from reality permanently. All of the information that our brains are holding onto is erased when it shuts down for good. The person that you think you are (Tom, Dick, Jane etc) is little more than a function of the brain, and so when the brain dies, you die too.
As in a dream, I’ve become lucid and aware of the meaninglessness of it all, so it frees me to do as I please without much guilt. “Life can be a day at an amusement park, or day a running errands” is what I said. The root of my depression lays in the fact that I’m tired of trying to make my life like a day at the amusement park. It’s all well and good to know that you’re free to do as you please, but it’s another thing entirely to be able to actually do it. All of the sacrifices that the average person must make for a little bit of happiness in the evenings and on weekends (going to school, working 9-5, budgeting, taxes, fees, insurance etc) are just not worth it to me anymore. That’s not even mentioning the fact that all of the worst kinds of people are running the world (psychopaths, racists, feminists, religious zealots).
I’m really tired of trying to enjoy my life. All of this meaningless work I do at my job, the TV shows I watch and music I listen to, health food I choke down; it’s all such a waste of energy. I’d rather not be doing any of this. I’m 29 and I think that’s long enough. There’s nothing else I want to do. I don’t want kids or a house of my own or whatever people do with themselves these days. I just want to go home.
I don’t want to get old and watch my body slowly break down. What’s the point of that? The only logical thing I can think to do is jump off of a high place, but dying terrifies me. Pain is extremely annoying and so I imagine that the final splat won’t be as freeing as I think it will be. I feel trapped in this flesh, like an astronaut floating through space; I just want to rip off my helmet and free my life from this heavy suit. I’m really quite tired of all this, the people, the places, the things.
3 comments
Life is nothing more than a 3D holographic movie. We’re all just actors in a play and the script has been written so all we get to do is act out our parts. There’s very little free will involved in this play. Who wrote the play, you ask? One theory is that you wrote the play of your own life before you took the form of a human. There is no deep meaning in this play. Its just an experience, just a play, nothing more. So, you wrote the script for tphg with the boring job and all the frustrations in trying to enjoy this life. Maybe you added a suicide? It’s just a play.
I had a similar thought just now. There’s a theory that we’re all actually dead and that this existence is our lives flashing before our eyes. The brain releases all kinds of chemicals during traumatic experiences, and dying is the most traumatic of them all. What if this life is just one long drug trip that our brains have us on, as a way to cushion the blow of dying?
I can relate to your feelings. Just wanted to share that.