Welp I wanted more alcohol but my Aunt the Conqorer said no! I had to get 1 12 pack of cooers motherfucking light. Since alcohol is the only thing that brings me joy, it’s very important to me to get drunk off my ass at least once a week. She is also controlling my xanex intake, which I use to sublimement for alcohol,
I tried to explain to her that I no longer want to live and gave up. I told her this many times before. She said, “well if you would have killed yourself in 2009, you would never have met your wife”. Well she’s now my ex. I explained to her that it doesn’t fucking matter since we are all gonna die anyway. She called me an arrogant nihilist.
I responded by saying – IM NOT A NIHILIST, NATURE IS!
in her own delusions, she claimed that I never got “treatment” for depression”. I responded by repeating over and over again that I was seeking “treatment” for depression since I was six years fucking old! It didn’t click in her head! I tried explaining that I have tapped into a deeper sense of reality though my decades long depression, she called me arrogant. Wtf! I wanna die! I’m not a slave to my fear and depression as she said I was in. I have my own right to self determination and ownership. And so does everyone else. How dare people say that we, who had no control over our birth, should not have control over our death!
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At least she isn’t calling in the white coat fascists, but my aunt is a member of the social elite weather her intentions are good or not, . I believe she has good intentions, but with zero understanding of my own reality. Every mind has its own universe within it, metaphorically speaking. If she wants to live in her own universe than fine, let me life my own.
Convincing me that my life is worth living would be tat amount to a preacher convincing me to follow Christianity. At least I am sound of mind and still plan on starting my Gift To Go Movement on YouTube that will highlight my reasoning for allowing the long suffering mentally ill to get the same choices as people like Brittney Maynard did. My aunt did agree to get me a new iPad because this one has no sound. I was planning on giving a speech on YouTube, but once I did, only the picture worked so I had to delete it.
Our lives affect those of others like it or not, if you kill yourself and she didn’t do all she could to prevent it then she may feel responsible and then have to live with that regret. Of course by being so overt with your intentions you put incredible pressure on all who come into contact with you. I’m sure none of the people in your life wish for you to commit suicide, I’m surer still that they would much rather you didn’t impose your selfish self destruction upon them.
Make the most of it, there may be nothing after this and if you do find the courage to continue for any good reason you may regret the path you have taken and look back upon all the subtle help you have received and ill appreciated.
Well don’t we have a little philosopher in this room. Of course it’s selfish! Her wanting to keep me alive is selfish as well you know! The argument can go both ways. I’m sorry but if she feels guilty it’s not my fault. She needs to reexamine the realities of life. I didn’t choose to be born nor did I choose to be born with the deck of cards that’s been handed to me. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna live for someone else!!!
And also, don’t you not realize that people like us have problems with endorphins going though the synapse? We are born this way! We do not have the technology yet to reverse it. Medication, which I am on, does nothing compared to what future technology can do.
I’m not gonna get into an argument, you miscomprehended my point, life is fragile, depression is debilitating, whilst you are miserable you make others around you who are trying to lift your spirit (to their own detriment) miserable also. Maybe they were also miserable I don’t know, in any case do you really want to leave this life having made a negative impact upon those who wish to live rather than a positive one?
Describe this deck of cards which has been handed to you, I am ignorant to your plight. When you say “I’m damned if I’m gonna live for someone else” do you refer only to your aunt the conqueror?
What about the rest of your family who could benefit from, maybe not the miserable, depressed you, but the best of you?
Well it’s impossible to lift my spirits no matter how hard they tried. As for leaving my life making a negative impact, I don’t care one way or another. I’ll be unconscious for all eternity anyhow. A lot of people say I have negative thoughts. When I here negative, I understand that it as realistic. When I say I’m not gonna live for anyone, I mean everyone. My deck of cards goes like this – I was born into a totally chaotic family, which made me suffer from PTSD from the time I was 2 years old. I continued living this throughout my childhood. All these traumatic experience caused the neuropatgways in my brain to malfunction. Thus changing my brain structure in comparison to a child growing up in a healthy environment. Because of this, I developed personality disorders of the paranoid, dependent, and avoidant. I also suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. As an adult, I llost friends to suicide and murder, and numerous mental breakdowns, horrible relationships, and rejection. I can’t even relate to the friends I once had 10 years ago in my early 20s. There all married with kids, etc.
I am skilled in psychology and self examination. In fact. Many of my case workers and counsilers said I should go to school to be a psychologist or counsel others. They are impressed by my knowlege not only of my self, but of the entire field of psychology. What they don’t realize that my brain paralyzed me from accomplishing any goals I once had.
The chemicals in our bodies are secreted though glands, the way you feel physically is determined by so many factors. Your state of physical health, the condition of your cardio vascular system etc.
Chemicals in the brain are triggered through stimulus certainly, I don’t think that cavemen worried about endorphins and had the opportunity to kill themselves and either did (unlikely) or didn’t and didn’t complain either way, you know that you can end your life, I am no different. It is not hope which keeps me alive it is nature. I am naturally inclined to live and grow and flourish, to reproduce, to run, walk, sing, play, dance as are you don’t deny yourself the simple pleasures in favor of doom and devastation. You benefit none and do damage to yourself.
Endorphins are released with physical exercise, so feel good, look good and see how the world responds.
I definatly agree with you on the functionality of endorphins and how complex it can be. I do workout and try to better my body since i want to end my life by my own hands and not though natural causes (which will probably be much more painful). I usually feel a tad bit better after working out, BUT my tad bit better is still a living hell and it doesn’t change what I wish to do in the future. As for nature, I don’t have that instinct to live, flourish and have kids. That’s evolution not logic. Logically, since the only cause of death is life itself, you can make an argument that reproduction is murder by proxy. As with damage, I can only damage myself as a living organism. The damage starts at birth, and ends with death. I’m not interested in benefiting anyone unless it’s in the name of choice! I believe that everyone who is terminally ill or severely mentally ill, such as myself, should be allowed to go…..Numbethal being the prize,
What you see is what you get though, surely you understand that, your focus is whats making you unhappy, instead of seeing an aunt who cares for and is trying to give you a kick up the arse to get your life back on track, to get you up and about and busy, involved in life, life with all it’s bad AND all it’s good. We all have a choice, glass half empty or glass half full and then we take our perspective and we share it with others as it could shine some light (rather than darkness) on an existence which amounts essentially, to the opportunity for experience, be it pleasurable or not.
Why not use your intelligence to make experience more pleasurable for yourself and others around you, take advantage, beat the system, however you choose to view it. Carpe diem, because swe are ephemeral
your minimalizing my experiences and the experiences of others in my situation. Free will, which you call choice, doesn’t exist as you say it does. Even neuropsychologist agree with me. There has been study after study that suggest that free will is an illusion of the mind. And I don’t need a “kick up the arse”, life has kicked me enough. Intelligence and emotional experience is two different things. You can be intelligent and miserable. Ever see an unhappy child with Down syndrome? Exactly!
And let me say, if I want to end my life and have a sound mind, which I do, and someone tries to stop me, they are taking away my self ownership wether they believe they are or not. They are controlling me. That is just a fact,
Yes but your aunt is playing the role of not wanting to feel she could’ve stopped you. Have you even studied people who lose their children or loved ones to suicide. They obsess about guilt and what they could’ve done to stop it. They just don’t get you are suffering beyond all measures and want out.
I agree. I seen many documentaries of how it effects families. I been trying to prepare my loved ones for years. Sometimes I speak in code, try to get under there psyche. Trying my best to convince them that what I will do is ok. Once I’m gone, my universe will go away, and I won’t exist. Quantumy speaking, the universe only exist as long as I am able to observe it. I feel like once I’m gone, everything is gone.
And I told them time and time again, if I ever do anything, it’s not there fault but my own neurological misfortunes
Fit for purpose.
I don’t know your experiences and you don’t know mine, what do you believe this forum is good for? Why post here?
This forum is great for getting things off my chest, talking to people who have or had similar experience that I have, and spreading my world and personal views on life and the human right to die wether your terminally or mentally ill.
I know I’m not aware at any given moment which synapse is directing which neuron to do such and such a task. Do you know from where the word neuron or indeed neurosis originates from?
I’ll tell you, these words originate from the word aponeurosis. I’m sure you already know what that is so I won’t go into great detail about the implications of such a connection.
I’m the poster child for neurosis. As for neurons, these nerve cells, do so much I can write a book about em.
Me too. I have been alone and sad since I was 6. Decades later everything just got worse. I feel like am the only one in the world with everything that’s happening to me. Being awake is the worst nightmare possible. I don’t do drugs or take medications. The only thing that helps me cry and feel better to fall to sleep is alcohol. So I know exactly how you feel. Is so fuck up that we can go to the doctor to get treatment for cancer, leukemia, hiv, etc….. to stay alive but we can’t go to them and get something to stop living and end all this endless nightmare. We have suffer enough and they expect us to deal with our own death If we wanna take it. If they only really knew how we feel , they would give us that peaceful pill that we all been looking for, for so long. I feel like getting really wasted right now.
I’m sorry your going though this hell! I know what it feels like and your not alone. Speaking of sleeping, I been having dreams latley of taking Numethal and than I wake up all depressed because it was only a dream. The dreams are so surreal, it’s like I can feel it’s comforting effects, dizziness and closing my eyes to it……then ding ding ding I wake up
Also, people in my situation produce too much of a stres hormone called Cortisol. This increases the chances of heart disease, stroke, diabetes and hypertension. I already have hypertension and have to take 120 mg of propranolol to control it. So depression IS a deadly disease.
Bright lights or darkness. Is all the sane to me. Actually not. Darkness forever is what I want. You will succeed at equality for the right to survive or not. Please do your best for the ones after us.
I got really wasted last night. It felt so good. I slept for like 5 hours no dreams no nightmares, just really good sleep of nothingness. I think death is just like that nothingness. But then I woke up to this piece of shit of my life. Real nightmare , time to get wasted again.
didnt read everything of course but you have tapped into a deeper realm of reality than most because of the depth of your pain bud. never doubt that. if that makes you arrogant than fuck it. it makes you deep n real