It happened. Worse than ever. I lost my shit.
Sobbing in the bath tub, snot and tears and drool mingling with the water, mumbling over and over for two hours “I don’t want to die… I don’t want to die… But I can’t do this…”
I’ve never felt such anguish, I feel like I have emotional cancer, I’ve never felt this way and it scares me so badly.
I don’t want to die, but what if it’s worse next time? What if it hurts so bad that I just end it all?
What if I go to hell for giving up too soon? I know not everyone is religious but I believe in hell, and the only thing keeping me from ending everything is the fear that I’ll wake up there after I close my eyes here.
Who really knows? I sure don’t.
4 comments
Hey. I’m sorry your going though this. I had many breakdowns in my life. I remember in 2007 cured up under my computer desk and balling my eyes out, times were I was laying in the bed singing silent night to myself while pretending I had a cross on my chest even though I am atheist, sitting in a chair naked back in 2004 sobbing my eyes out because I thought I had some terrible disease due to a small bump on my arm. Many more breakdowns happened after and before. I remember being a child and ripping up my entire room. Breaking stuff, staring at the wall for hours without moving my eyes. All due to traumatic events. Than there came a point were my brain just shut down and I became suicidal. I have came to the conclusion that since we are all going to die anyway, I might as well speed up the process. I am currently planning my own suicide that will take between six months to a year to complete given my living and financial situation. I use alcohol to even me out but unfortunately I can only get it once a week.
I became so numb to trauma that I internalize it now instead of outright noticeable breakdowns. Plus medication takes the edge off. I became a philosopher about life, disassociated myself from society. For 2 years from 2004 to 2006 I use to have up to 10 panic attacks a day. Oh that was a breakdown for the ages. Everything seemed like a dream, as it was unreal. I slept about 4 hours at a time than up for 48 hours. I’m a master now at disassociation and trying to use my own free will to get what I want – death. Alcohol and my soon to be realized dream of death silences my tears and comforts me. Gives me a since of control.
It’s tough. I had a small break down yesterday. I blame medication changes. What I find works is laying in bed with my eyes closed… I believe one of the things with me is that I have sensory issues and closing my eyes helps me focus.
No one knows if there is a hell or not, by that I don’t know either. But, if you believe that there is a hell then you (likely) believe in a heaven and a god. It would be pretty bad if you were judged on dying by suicide. I presume that you’re a good person… most people are. I prefer to think that you’d be judged based on the “how you lived your life ” rather than the “how it was ended”.
People go through rough periods… everyone. I’m not making light as you’re clearly in pain. I feel for you man… I wish I could take all your pain away but sadly I can’t. No one can. That said and while people can’t take your pain away, people can help you deal with it and work through it but you have to let people know…. if you haven’t done so, reach out to someone if you can. Dealing with this sort of shit sucks, especially alone.
Posting on SP is a start…. 🙂
Hang in there. Feel free to post and post as much as you want.
Something I forgot to mention is that I’ve had as many as 4 meltdowns in my life… absolute meltdowns. I know where you’re coming from in asking “what if the next one is worse?”. Best thing is to perhaps identify triggers and try to avoid. Simple, right?… at least that is what I’ve been told by professionals.