I just want to disappear. I’m crying. It hurts. I’m sad. Suicide? No… I can’t think of any excuses or simple solutions. I don’t know how to raise my voice, speak up .. I’m too scared… I wear a mask everyday, a mask where the smile never fades and the eyes of a 14 year old girl light up bright. In reality, I force myself to smile.. I think too much. Sometimes I feel like if I didn’t exist everything would be a lot easier for my mum especially… then I realise there are many cases around the world. ugh, this world. My home is been destroyed. I’m scared for the future…. but i HATE myself I CANT DO ANYTHING. IM TOO SCARED. IM TOO SHY. I CAN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT MY EYES CRYING OUT IN TEARS. I FEEL LIKE FALLING TO KNEES AND CRAWLING AWAY. I WANT TO BE ALONE. I SEE MANY THINGS, I SEE MANY PEOPLE, THEIR SITUATIONS.. ARE THEY TRUE? AM I THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING HERE. I HEAR MY MOTHER CRY. SHE STRESSES. SHE FIGHTS. i love her too much to say goodbye.. but also hard things bring great joy right? I’m not sure… I’m confused. I hear yells… I can’t make out what they’re saying. but it’s loud and clear to understand that somehow it all falls down on me…. the way I am… the life I have.. life is so hard.. they say.. but no one can imagine how hard it actually is. I hear laughs… in the distance. Why can’t we be like them? Enjoy ourselves… as a family. Even just me and mum… Dad. Where are you? WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE… I need to wipe my tears.. I wouldn’t bear see my mum in tears.. My eyes are red.. my body aches… I just sit here in silence.. killing myself slowly word by word… it hurts.. this pain.. I’ve lived it to long to not just see it.. It’s not there but i can feel it.. but no attention is given. It’s all a lie…. but idk.. I just DONT KNOW ANYMORE…
I’m trying not to be the victim.. I don’t want to be… I want to fight… but again maybe I just letting it all out.. all that I had inside twisting in my stomach.. punching at my chest is free. In this form. I have no one to speak to because I can’t bring my self to it…. But i just want them to say that everything will be ok… right?
3 comments
I doubt things will be easier for your mom if you are not there. I’m sure she loves you and needs you, especially if your dad isn’t there for her.
There’s nothing wrong with being shy, or scared.
It might be a little tougher for us shy people but we can manage.
Maybe it feels like you can’t do anything now but i’m sure you are trying your best and you’ll be able to do more as time passes, and as you grow.
Wanting to be alone is fine – but it’s tough dealing with all this by yourself.
Also wearing a mask and faking takes a lot of energy.
If you have anyone you can turn to, even if it’s someone online since that’s easier, you should try.
You’re not the only one suffering, you’re not alone.
Don’t be hard on yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong and you are actually fighting right now.
Thanks for the comment, I know I did nothing wrong… It’s just feels that I’m the one who’s wrong.. My health has not been the best in the last few years…My mum is unemployed and we rely on a friend to help us.. The bills. The appointments. The medicines. Also my mum is a very stressed person.. and she can easily get depressed and that also hurts me.. I just feel like if I was somehow a normal girl or if I didn’t exist.. things would just be a lot easier for her. She’s all I have and I don’t want her to be sad..
Stand by your mum, she has suffered so much to get you where you are. She gets depressed not because of you but because she has little to offer but a shoulder. there’s nothing worse for a mum than that.
Stand by yourself, Fight…
it’s hard i know
You are not a victim but a survivor.
The scars you carry show your struggle but they cannot break you.