Anyone else out there depressed, and feeling like hell, but not suicidal?

I don’t know why I go on anymore, it’d be easiest to give it a fucking rest and be the recluse I’m meant to be. I just drag myself through this hell again and again. I have nobody else to blame but myself for the way I feel. I just wish sometimes I wasn’t so alone, but the thing is that it’s my fault and there’s no good excuse for it. Most days I can force the smile on my face to be real enough that even I believe it, for a time at least. The thing is that no matter how long I smile and laugh there’ll be a time when I realize it was fake, that I was lying, and that it’d be too hard to right now. I could scream and shout about how this is all some girl’s fault, that if she hadn’t decided to be my friend this never would’ve happened. Hell, I could blame my mother for what she said to me when I was ten, but I recognize that the way I feel is independent of others. I have a rudimentary understanding of this disorder which most of us are afflicted with, and I understand an okay bit about the human condition, and my therapist thinks that makes me some kind of fuckin’ genius. I don’t know how true that is, but most days I wish I didn’t understand, that I didn’t know these things. Because the reason I know what I know is because the dark years I’ve gone through. If I could take them back maybe life’d be better, maybe I’d have a girlfriend, friends, and a thousand new hopes for each day, not just that little bit more innocence I have left to lose. You could say this is because I don’t have any good friends, but that’d be a lie, I felt this way when all my best friends were feet away from me, just a touch and they’d know I exist. This isn’t a cause or anything, just something that bugs the hell out of me, this girl that I’m friends with, the person I told my story to, from beginning to end, has seemingly been trying to forget or ignore me. I know that this sounds paranoid and like I’m overreacting, but I have previous evidence to back this up, she’s done the exact same thing before. Hell, maybe I still have a post from a few months ago explaining it. I care about this girl, no this woman, more than as a friend which is probably evident. I know she doesn’t return the feelings because I’ve asked her before, not because I just think she doesn’t. Hell, I’m probably going to end up texting her tonight and not get a response but I can’t give up on her, God knows why. Anyone who stayed to read this to the end, thanks appreciate it, to those who don’t FUCK YOU just kidding, but you’ll never know that.