I could be her friend if I really wanted to, but I’d have to wear a costume, and those aren’t very comfortable after a while. You start to sweat and the built up perspiration makes it muggy inside and so it gets hard to breathe; it’s a whole ordeal. I’d get to know her, but she’d never get to know the real me, and I want so badly for someone to see and accept me for who I really am. I could be her friend, but it wouldn’t be real. It’d be real enough for her, sure, but what it would amount to is a hassle for me.
But if I never give anyone a chance to know the real me, how will I ever find someone to love me? After she caught me browsing Suicide Project, she said that if I ever wanted to talk about anything, I could come to her. I nicely dismissed her desire to play armchair therapist, but maybe I should take a chance and let her in. More than anyone else, she seems accepting of less than sunny personalities. The only hurdles left are fear and love. I fear that I have romantic feelings for her and that they won’t be reciprocated because she’s older than me and possibly already dating someone. I also fear that my perpetual loneliness is once again masquerading as affection, and that if I couple with her, my true feelings will surface and I’ll want to be alone again. Those feelings being that I was more in love with the IDEA of being with someone, and not actually having a relationship.
Why don’t I just e-mail her and ask her to lunch? Cause it’s not a road I want to travel. I’d like the perks of cuddling and inside jokes and having someone to do mundane life stuff with, but whenever I get with a woman, I always want out. I like imagining myself going on dates and “getting some”, having a big wedding, the excitement of the first pregnancy, but I feel totally inadequate for that kind of life. I’m 29 but don’t feel old enough to do any of those things. What’s up with that?
If I ask her out, I’m afraid that I’ll realize that I don’t even really like her. Besides, I already promised myself not to date anymore of my co-workers. I was just lucky that the last co-worker I dated quit soon after we broke up because it was SUPER awkward being around her. Just let it go Huggie Bear; plenty of fish in the sea for you to overthink about. Let it go.
7 comments
Hello tphg :”) , i hope you feel better now .. i know that the loneliness is the hardest feeling in life and no matter how happy you are ..you can’t be when you’re alone .. that’s why we get married and have children’s that’s how the life goes .. you need to find a new friends and gf and find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and the one who will understand you, will accept you without wearing your costume.. i know it’s not easy to find the one but you can if you loved yourself enough you will… be strong<3
thanks a lot for your kind words. I really and truly want to believe that, I just don’t know how to convince myself yet. I’ll keep trying
May god walk with you by your side…come into your heart and fill up the emptiness inside of you, may he send a loving and caring person into your life with whom you can share laughter and make all negativity fade away.
God is love and love is god, and just like god loves you so do other people…im one of them 🙂
Love Funanya <3
I really appreciate this, thank you. I hate this emptiness I feel, but more than that it feels like there’s a vacuum inside sucking away my ability to grow and change. I’ve wished so many times that I could believe in God but I don’t have it in me. I love the idea of him, but like everything else in my life, it doesn’t feel real. Thanks again for your words though. Positive energy is what I need.
Your welcome 🙂
Just pray to god accept him in your heart believe and hold on to it, the falls of life will try to get discourage you from believing it will bring that negativity that nobody really wants and thats not what god is about he is about love and us loving eachother like he loves us, he is about the good and kindness and wants us to be about the same things. So here i am reflecting gods kindness in the hopes it will fill up whatever emptyness there is inside of you, you deserve to be happy
Keep yourself busy with good hobbies that make you happy that can distract you from the auffering for awhile untill you gain more strength to fight again
Love Funanya
you will never know what it is like to not wear a costume until you stop wearing it. maybe the first person won;t accept, but maybe they will. maybe the next one. or maybe you will learn something about yourself that helps you
I really needed to hear this, thank you. The only constant in my life has been the costume I wear to hide my social anxiety and other mental dysfunctions. All I know is smiling and nodding and acting like it’s all good in the hood. I’m so afraid to disagree with people that I’ll say things completely contrary to my own opinion; I feel dirty afterward, betraying myself like that. I don’t know how to stand up for myself and take charge. This guy grabbed me on the subway once cause he didn’t like how close I was standing to him. Most people would have fought back or at least got into a shouting match with the guy, but I just let him hold my arm for the moment until other people came to my defense.