Why am I still trying?

Rock Bottom. It’s more of a home to me now than ever before. I come and go from this place. I never leave it permanently. I end up messing things up all the time anyhow. I don’t feel anything. I feel sick. I feel like the energy is slowly dying in me. I can’t go to anyone anymore. I annoy them with my constant complaints. They have better things to do. Lately, days seem longer and the sleep seems short. I’ve been here before. I know every pain and feeling that comes with being here again. I can never get used to it. I always feel so alone but this time is different. This is the feelng that you know your friends want to stay away. Being home can sometimes sicken you. You want to feel anything again but you can’t. You aren’t thinking anymore. You sell yourself to anyone who would have you. You think that would be you feel better. Feel pretty. You’re wrong. It just tears you up more. You whore. You slut. Why are you making yourself so accessible to strangers. Why aren’t you going to your friends rather than letting him touch you like that. Is that really making you feel better? No. It brings more pain and regret. You can’t help it. You can’t reach out to others. You are a distraction. You are making their lives worse. Why are you wasting their time. Wouldn’t it be better to just sleep forever? Cry until your whole body gives up. Scream till your voice can’t take it any longer. Cut like it won’t leave a scar. No one will notice. They only notice when they point it out. You are alone, but you know that’s where you belong. Stay in the darkness. Don’t bother the ones in the light. They don’t deserve your weakness. You don’t deserve their pity